


L stands for Loser (and maybe Lover? Nah, fuck that amiright?)

by BayleyWinchester



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Bisexual Richie Tozier, Chatting & Messaging, Comedian Richie Tozier, Coming Out, Crack, Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Endgame Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Group chat, Humor, Idiots in Love, Losers Club (IT) Friendship, M/M, Nurse Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Stanley Uris Lives, Teenage Losers Club (IT), Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-11-26 11:42:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BayleyWinchester/pseuds/BayleyWinchester
Summary: "Could Richie be more obvious? Hell, could Eddie be more obvious? Could either of them be less annoying?"~ Questions the Losers ask themselves every single day-~-~-#whenwillreddiehappenBeverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, BenBev - idiots in loveStan - what are we going to do about it?Stan - because richie is becoming harder to deal with every single day this goes onBill - try being the only one that eddie comes toBill - at least richie talks to bev as wellBev - yeah cause i love it when he doesBen - we need a planBev - knowing them it’s going to be about 400 stepsMike - the get richie and eddie together planBev - i have an idea





	1. Chapter 1: The 'let’s make a plan that 100% won't backfire' Part

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first work in the IT fandom so sorry if the charactraztion is a little off. Bear in mind that this is crack fic as well though so please don't be to harsh. 
> 
> (The grammar and spelling mistakes are on purpose.)

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- I have decided that I am going to become a Broadway star

_ Spaghetti _ \- you can’t sing and you can’t dance 

_ tHOzier _ \- but I can act

_ Spaghetti _ \- Didn’t say that

_ tHOzier _ \- you didn’t not say it tho

_ tHOzier _ \- Im gonna be famous and win an oscar

_ Stanny the Manny _\- for ,,,,, broadway?/?

_ tHOzier _ \- Ye

_ billy bill bill _\- that’s not

_ billy bill bill _\- oscar = movie

_ Spaghetti _ \- dumbass

_ tHOzier _ \- :/

_ tHOzier _ \- I’ll just have to become a movie star then. Eds can be my most loyal groupie

_ Spaghetti _ \- Not my name and hell no. 

_ billy bill bill _\- rich as an actor? I’d like to see it

_ Stanny the Manny _\- i can see it

_ billy bill bill _\- but what kind of actor?

_ Spaghetti _ \- clearly he’d be a comedian 

_ tHOzier _ \- thanks

_ Spaghetti _ \- only because you don’t have range

_ Mikey Moo _\- eddie as a groupie? Makes sense tbh

_ Spaghetti _ \- no it fucking doesn’t

_ tHOzier _ \- you’ll change your mind once i’m living in a mansion on the hill and my security guy won’t let you in even when you plead to see your bestest friend in the whole world. I’ll be watching through a camera at the gate and laughing because I remember this moment when my eds turned me down 

_ Spaghetti _ \- what the actual fuck Richard?

_ Spaghetti _ \- and why did that take you so long to type? 

_ tHOzier _ \- had to come up with the right wording 

_ Spaghetti _ \- you said it out loud before you typed it?? You had the wording 

_ bad bitch _\- Are you two together right now? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- against my will

_ tHOzier _ \- movie night

_ tHOzier _ \- eds it was your idea 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- did you know that I hate them?

_ Ben _ \- you don’t

_ Bev _ \- hypothetically

_ Stan _ \- what does that mean?

_ Bev _ \- idk 

_ Bev _ \- anyway are we gonna go and crash they’re movie night?

_ Mike _ \- we don’t know where they are 

_ Bev _ \- properly richie’s ‘cause mrs K is 

_ Bev _ \- putting it nicely

_ Bev _ \- cray 

_ Mike _ \- yeah, I’m down

_ Stan _ \- not doing anything else

_ Bill _ \- shouldn’t we, like, not crash date night. They might finally stop being idiots 

_ Stan _ \- doubtful

_ Bev _ \- yeah they’re not doing anything without a little shove

_ Stan _ \- how are they not a thing yet

_ Bill _ \- Eddie thinks Richie doesn’t like him like that

_ Bev _ \- Richie still thinks Eddie isn’t gay

_ Ben _ \- dear god they’re morons 

_ Bill _ \- to be fair, eddie isn’t actually out to anyone lmao 

_ Bev _ \- you’re right bill but like 

_ Stan _ \- straight people aren’t like that tbh

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich_ ** ** and ** ** _Eds_ **

_ Rich _ \- did you want coke or sprite 

_ Rich _ \- knowing you you’re gonna want water and a multivitamin but

_ Eds _ \- whatever you’re having

_ Eds _ \- all of our friends are active but they’re not talking to me

_ Rich _ \- what do you mean?

_ Eds _ \- what i just said jackass

_ Rich _ \- so kind

_ Rich _ \- popcorn just went in

_ Eds _ \- and Bill is being weird

_ Rich _ \- bills always weird. That’s the dynamic. He’s weird, Im funny you’re a dramatic little bitch

_ Eds _ \- hmmm

_ Rich _ \- didn’t even insult me back. Somethings up with you

_ Eds _ \- idk Bev was being weird in class today as well

_ Rich _ \- we have weird friends

_ Eds _ \- i guess

_ Rich _ \- chill out. We’re going to the Quarry with them tomorrow and it will all be normal and if it’s not you can, idk, punch me or something 

_ Eds _ \- im holding you to that 

_ Rich _ \- didn’t doubt it

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- we all have to be really normal tomorrow or eds is going to punch me

_ bad bitch _\- ???

_ Mikey Moo _ \- okay? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- doesn’t count now

_ tHOzier _ \- well if you’re gonna punch me now wait until I put the popcorn down otherwise you’re eating floor popcorn

_ tHOzier _ \- and knowing you you’d rather die

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s so gross

_ Spaghetti _ \- yeah, obviously I don’t want to

_ tHOzier _ \- also please don’t punch me in the face because I need it to win an oscar

_ Spaghetti _ \- shut up now I am gonna punch you in the face

_ Mikey Moo _ \- what the fuck are you two talking about 

_ Benzo _\- who knows

_ Benzo _\- they’re crazy 

_ Stanny the Manny _\- we should kick them out of the chat

_ Mikey Moo _ \- i know we shouldn’t but it’s so tempting 

_ billy bill bill _\- where did they go??

_ bad bitch _\- probably making out or something gross

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Bev_ **

_ Rich _\- shut up Bev 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bev_ **

_ Eddie _ \- why would you say that??? Don’t say things like that. It’s not even true

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- I take it back, I hate them for real real 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mikey Moo _ \- ignoring that I can’t make it to the quarry until like 11 at the earliest 

_ tHOzier _ \- that’s fine because it is sunday and i refuse to wake up before 10

_ tHOzier _ \- oh fuckkkkkkk

_ billy bill bill _\- ??

_ tHOzier _ \- eds is here and he wakes up so fucking early

_ Spaghetti _ \- eight isn’t early

_ Spaghetti _ \- and that’s not my name

_ Benzo _\- meet at twelve then? Bev we can work on our english assignment before?

_ tHOzier _ \- oh shit eds we have to do that as well

_ bad bitch _\- sounds good ben

_ bad bitch _\- wait, i thought Mr H banned you two from being partners last month? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- he did

_ tHOzier _ \- i’m irresistible 

_ Benzo _\- shut up richie no one else wanted to be your partners lol

_ tHOzier _ \- no, eds was so cute that mr h let us work together 

_ Spaghetti _ \- fuck you 

_ tHOzier _ \- just the truth babe

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Eddie _ \- I think I’m having a mental breakdown 

_ Bill _ \- we can tell 

_ Eddie _ \- That’s not helpful 

_ Bill _ \- just

_ Bill _ \- tell 

_ Eddie _ \- don’t finish that

_ Bill _ \- him

_ Eddie _ \- why are you so unhelpful?

_ Bill _ \- that would help

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Rich _\- Stan

_ Stan _ \- you’re in love with Eddie. I know

_ Rich _\- we are touching rn stan

_ Rich _\- TOUCHING

_ Stan _ \- gross

_ Rich _\- don’t make it weird, it’s all PG here. 

_ Rich _\- well, my thoughts aren’t

_ Stan _ \- im so close to blocking you 

_ Rich _\- im in a gay panic 

_ Stan _ \- im aware 

_ Rich _\- stanley 

_ Rich _\- help me

_ Stan _ \- say, outloud, ‘i like you eddie’

_ Rich _\- why are you so unhelpful? 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bill _ \- “Why are you so unhelpful?”

_ Bill _ \- you’re just an idiot 

_ Stan _ \- is that what he said to you?

_ Bill _ \- yeah

_ Stan _ \- rich said the exact same thing to me

_ Mike _ \- they’re becoming one

_ Bev _ \- lord help us 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- why aren’t you talking to me eds

_ Spaghetti _ \- ??? we are talking 

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah but not in the group chat

_ Spaghetti _ \- sorry for wanting some physical human interaction jackass

_ tHOzier _ \- if you type it i have proof later

_ Spaghetti _ \- wtf richie

_ tHOzier _ \- i could voice record you 

_ tHOzier _ \- but your mum might get jealous

_ Spaghetti _ \- could you stop for three minutes

_ tHOzier _ \- thats not what your mum said last night 

_ Spaghetti _ \- everyone hates you

_ tHOzier _ \- judging by the lack of responses they hate you too

_ tHOzier _ \- oh well we can just start our own group

_ Spaghetti _ \- losers 2.0

_ tHOzier _ \- just the two of us

_ tHOzier _ \- we’re funnier as well

_ Spaghetti _ \- clearly

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- they’re in the same room right now

_ Mike _ \- and probably both on Richie’s bed tbh

_ Bill _ \- are they even aware of what they’re saying

Bev - knowing them they’re both panicking and thinking the other is totally platonic and/or joking. 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Rich _\- fuck stan what do i do 

_ Stan _ \- i don’t know

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Eddie _ \- omg

_ Bill _ \- lol 

_ Eddie _ \- does he know what he’s doing to me???

_ Bill _ \- bev has an idea that I think is right

_ Eddie _ \- our group 

_ Eddie _ \- bill i am about to explode 

_ Bill _ \- you know my advice. 

_ Eddie _ \- I haven’t even told the other losers that

_ Bill _ \- i know

_ Eddie _ \- i can’t just 

_ Eddie _ \- tell him!!

_ Bill _ \- you told me

_ Eddie _ \- that was a complete mistake! 

_ Bill _ \- you know that no one cares

_ Bill _ \- Richie is out, you know that right, and nothing changed

_ Eddie _ \- it’s different

_ Bill _ \- it really isn’t

_ Bill _ \- also, and I promise I didn’t say anything and I still haven't, but the other losers know eddie. We don’t care.

_ Eddie _ \- I’ve got to go, Richie wants me

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bill _ \- talking to eddie about this is kind of sad 

_ Stan _ \- and you’re right bev

_ Bev _ \- idiots in love

_ Stan _ \- what are we going to do about it?

_ Stan _ \- because richie is becoming harder to deal with every single day this goes on

_ Bill _ \- try being the only one that eddie comes to 

_ Bill _ \- at least richie talks to bev as well

_ Bev _ \- yeah cause i love it when he does

_ Ben _ \- we need a plan

_ Bev _ \- knowing them it’s going to be about 400 steps 

_ Mike _ \- the get richie and eddie together plan

_ Bev _ \- i have an idea

_ Bill _ \- same 

_ Stan _ \- yeah

_ Bev _ \- lets do it


	2. Chapter 1: The 'coming out to a squad that already knows' Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Benzo  _ \- i left my jacket at the quarry

_ Benzo  _ \- I am an Idiot

_ tHOzier _ \- you are

_ tHOzier _ \- we are still here so we will bring it we’ll bring back

_ bad bitch _ \- ‘we’ being,,,??

_ tHOzier _ \- eds and i

_ tHOzier _ \- ha

_ tHOzier _ \- his phone is dead so he can’t bitch about me calling him eds

_ tHOzier _ \- well apparently he can complain about it in real life

_ Benzo  _ \- so are you bring my jacket?

_ tHOzier _ \- sure

_ tHOzier _ \- we’ll bring it to school tomorrow for you because we’re nice like that

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- so nice

_ tHOzier _ \- eds says that i'm actually a demon in disguise but i disagree so 

_ Benzo  _ \- thanks

_ Benzo  _ \- i think

_ billy bill bill  _ \- guys we should have a sleepover next weekend

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- surely 

_ bad bitch _ \- down

_ Mikey Moo _ \- richie’s turn to host

_ bad bitch _ \- his house is always so messy

_ billy bill bill  _ \- send eddie over before he’s a neat freak 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- eddie and stanly team up

_ bad bitch _ \- richie will never know what happened

_ bad bitch _ \- speaking off where did he go

_ tHOzier _ \- making out with eddie

_ tHOzier _ \- sure i can host 

_ tHOzier _ \- lets getting fucking lit 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- dear god they are so annoying 

_ Bev _ \- is it illegal to kidnap them and just lock them in a room until they’re forced to confess

_ Bev _ \- like we say that we won’t let them out until they’ve kissed it all out

_ Ben _ \- I'm like pretty sure that kidnapping is illegal 

_ Bill _ \- yeah i believe it is

_ Bev _ \- damn

_ Mike _ \- guys i’ve got first period with them first thing tomorrow morning

_ Mike _ \- do you know how much that sucks

_ Bill _ \- I know, it’s the three of us in maths. It’s like I'm invisible to them or something

_ Stan _ \- they can be pretty rude

_ Bev _ \- idiots in love

_ Stan _ \- jackasses in love

_ Bill _ \- lol

_ Mike _ \- true

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Eddie _ \- i need advice 

_ Bill _ \- okay 

_ Eddie _ \- so like

_ Eddie _ \- you know how i'm like

_ Eddie _ \- gay

_ Bill _ \- i am aware

_ Eddie _ \- and like I didn’t actually tell you or anything 

_ Bill _ \- you kinda did

_ Eddie _ \- I was very drunk

_ Eddie _ \- richie did not tell me how much vodka were in those jello shots

_ Bill _ \- okay

_ Eddie _ \- I’m thinking about coming out to everyone

_ Eddie _ \- in the Losers I mean

_ Bill _ \- finally 

_ Bill _ \- im happy for you

_ Eddie _ \- do you think I should?

_ Bill _ \- yes

_ Eddie _ \- everyone already knows, don’t they?

_ Bill _ \- yes

_ Bill _ \- like, we are all very aware 

_ Eddie _ \- I guess that makes it easier

_ Bill _ \- hey, quick question, why not talk to Richie about this? He’s actually come out to everyone

_ Eddie _ \- wanted your advice on it

_ Bill _ \- Just go for it

_ Bill _ \- we’re all going to support you no matter what

_ Eddie _ \- how should I do it?

_ Eddie _ \- am I pussy for just texting the group 

_ Bill _ \- no

_ Bill _ \- you can’t be a pussy if you’re coming out

_ Eddie _ \- hmm

_ Bill _ \- i know it’s 2019 and all but we still live in Derry fucking Maine

_ Bill _ \- we’ve all got you back 

_ Eddie _ \- okay 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- y'all I have to say something. 

_ Spaghetti _ \- I am gay

_ Spaghetti _ \- I know you all knew but I never actually said anything so I thought I should come out

_ Spaghetti _ \- but just to you guys 

_ bad bitch _ \- <3 

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- we knew but congrats on actually coming out

_ Benzo  _ \- thanks for trusting us enough to tell us eddie

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- we definitely knew but that doesn’t mean that was nerve wracking

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I told you everyone would be chill 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Bill _ \- better?

_ Eddie _ \- yeah

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Ben_ **

_ Ben _ \- happy you’re out

_ Eddie _ \- very much so 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bev_ **

_ Bev _ \- you’re braver than you give yourself credit for

_ Eddie _ \- hardly

_ Bev _ \- dude

_ Eddie _ \- okay

_ Eddie _ \- kinda

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Mike_ **

_ Mike _ \- seriously thanks for telling us and if you need to talk about anything I can listen

_ Eddie _ \- thank you Mike, that means a lot

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Stan_ **

_ Stan _ \- Bevs been making closet jokes for about three months, so she’s going to have to find new material 

_ Eddie _ \- for some reason I can’t bring myself to care

_ Stan _ \- good

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- thanks guys

_ Spaghetti _ \- <3

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- stan why isn’t richie saying anything

_ Stan _ \- why would i know that????

_ Bev _ \- you’re close to Richie

_ Stan _ \- we all are

_ Mike _ \- yeah but you and him are tight ya know

_ Stan _ \- idk they’re probably together or something 

_ Ben _ \- they’re not 

_ Ben _ \- eddie told me that richie dropped him home and left my jacket with him

_ Bill _ \- shit

_ Mike _ \- richie isn’t homophoic tho

_ Bill _ \- yeah but eddie, as much as he hates to admit, cares about richie and really values his opinion 

_ Bev _ \- he hasn’t read the chat but he’s been active 

_ Stan _ \- I can't think why he wouldn’t say anything in the chat

_ Mike _ \- maybe he messaged eddie privately or something? 

_ Ben _ \- probably

_ Bev _ \- I guess we’ll see how they’re acting tomorrow in class then

_ Bill _ \- Mike you can live message what's happening 

_ Bev _ \- that’s a good idea

_ Bev _ \- and you do it during maths bill so we can all keep up to date

_ Stan _ \- our lives would be so much easier if they became a thing

_ Bev _ \- be less boring as well

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ bad bitch _ \- so two out of seven losers are out

_ bad bitch _ \- perhaps a pattern 

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- who are you expecting to be next?

_ bad bitch _ \- don’t know

_ bad bitch _ \- we have to see

_ Benzo  _ \- sorry lads but not it

_ bad bitch _ \- i two am a hetrosexual 

_ bad bitch _ \- silence from the others okay

_ bad bitch _ \- kidding

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- bev you crack me up sometimes

_ bad bitch _ \- good

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- he still hasn’t said anything tho

_ Bill _ \- he’s gotta be PMing eddie 

_ Stan _ \- no way Richie isn’t talking to him rn

_ Mike _ \- when is richie not talking

_ Bev _ \- exactly 

_ Bill _ \- stan

_ Bill _ \- why don’t you message him

_ Ben _ \- so we’re getting really involved then 

_ Bev _ \- absolutely

_ Bev _ \- stan

_ Stan _ \- idk what to say 

_ Bev _ \- start with ‘hey’ and see what happens 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Stan  _ \- hey

_ Richie _ \- yeah

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- he just said ‘yeah’

_ Bill _ \- ask him what’s he doing 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Stan  _ \- what are you doing?

_ Richie _ \- rn? Watching a movie. Why? 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- he said he’s watching a movie 

_ Bev _ \- be outright and ask if he’s talked to eddie 

_ Bill _ \- but be casually about it

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Stan  _ \- have you talked to eddie

_ Richie _ \- why is it taking you like a minute to respond to each of my questions 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- help he asked why it’s taking me so long to respond to him 

_ Bill _ \- so he didn’t answer

_ Stan _ \- no

_ Bev _ \- ask him to answer 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Stan  _ \- doesn’t matter. Have you talked to eddie

_ Richie _ \- who else are you talking to rn?

_ Richie _ \- oh shit you’re talking about these question lmao 

_ Richie _ \- why did they send you? 

_ Stan  _ \- because we’re friends

_ Richie _ \- i'm friends with all of them

_ Stan  _ \- that’s what i said

_ Stan  _ \- but they said we’re closer 

_ Richie _ \- oh?

_ Stan  _ \- yeah

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- he is completely on to me 

_ Stan _ \- i also may of explained what’s going on when asked

_ Bev _ \- dude

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- I didn’t respond to eds in the group chat because I already knew

_ tHOzier _ \- and not in the ‘he’s clearly a little twink, look at those shorts’ kinda way. He told me like a year ago

_ Spaghetti _ \- I'm not a twink

_ tHOzier _ \- babe

_ bad bitch _ \- WHAT

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you said I was the only one you were out to???

_ Spaghetti _ \- i never really came out to richie

_ tHOzier _ \- “richie can you be serious for two minutes i really need some of your help” “is it that you’re struggling with your sexuailty and seeing as I’m clear with mine you wanted to come to me?” “yea, that’s it” “eds you’re gay” 

_ Spaghetti _ \- he was completely serious the entire time as well

_ Spaghetti _ \- I was impressed

_ Spaghetti _ \- then he made some dumb joke

_ billy bill bill  _ \- i knew but i still responded to him in the chat

_ bad bitch _ \- you had us all worried

_ tHOzier _ \- didn’t need to respond he’s sitting beside me. We talked out loud

_ Benzo  _ \- you said that richie dropped you off

_ Spaghetti _ \- snuck into my room after ma fell asleep

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- what the actual fuck 

_ Bev _ \- i am rather close to strangling the two of them tbh

_ Stan _ \- I’ll help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love :))) Makes my day!!


	3. Chapter 1:  The ‘Mike may or may not commit double homicide’ Part

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- okay

_ Mike _ \- you guys ready for this??

_ Bev _ \- hell yeah

_ Stan _ \- i don’t think we have a choice

_ Bill _ \- that’s the spirit 

_ Mike _ \- so, i just arrived neither of them are here yet.

_ Mike _ \- they usually arrive like 30 seconds before the bell goes so that’s fine

_ Stan _ \- aren’t you going to get in trouble for being on your phone?

_ Mike _ \- nah my teacher is super chill about that kind of thing

_ Mike _ \- they’re here

_ Mike _ \- big news, Eddie is wearing one of Richie’s jumpers

_ Bev _ \- what the fuck

_ Bev _ \- are you sure

_ Mike _ \- yeah its the one ben got him for his birthday 

_ Ben _ \- Richie wears that all the time tho 

_ Bill _ \- so is eddie borrowing it then 

_ Mike _ \- how are they not dating 

_ Mike _ \- anyway within about a minute of them being in the room richie annoyed eddie, annoyed the teacher and eddie looks like he’s about to fight riche in the middle of class

_ Bill _ \- what did he do to the teacher

_ Mike _ \- ‘sorry we’re late sir, we were being super awesome students and cleaning up some trash’ to which Greta said ‘aren’t you trash, tozier’ and richie just winked at her and then Mr h so 

_ Bill _ \- wtf

_ Mike _ \- yeah

_ Mike _ \- eddie just rolled his eyes

_ Bev _ \- what’s happening now

_ Mike _ \- they’re passing notes back and forth 

_ Mike _ \- im tryna see what they say

_ Mike _ \- the two of them sit in front of me 

_ Stan _ \- didn’t mr h separate them or something? 

_ Mike _ \- he did and they ignored that

_ Mike _ \- no one complains because when they’re separated Richie just talks out loud to eddie 

_ Ben _ \- same in 3rd

_ Ben _ \- I am so surprised they don’t have constant detentions 

_ Stan _ \- richie especially 

_ Bill _ \- no one wants to deal with him for longer than the hour 

_ Mike _ \- one note just said ‘no’ from richie 

_ Mike _ \- and eddie gave one back that said ‘please’

_ Mike _ \- apparently he convinced richie because he groaned, and very dramatically threw his head on the desk. Eddie didn’t even react 

_ Ben _ \- again, how do teachers not send him out every single class

_ Bill _ \- it doesn’t work

_ Bill _ \- last time he got sent out he starred in the window the entire time and winked whenever anyone looked at him

_ Ben _ \- im surprised they’re allowed to be in the same class

_ Ben _ \- don’t they have every class together or something? 

_ Stan _ \- they have fourth apart 

_ Bev _ \- i'm with ben

_ Bev _ \- they’ve been like this for years shouldn’t the school do something lol

_ Bev _ \- not that I want them to be separated 

_ Stan _ \- richie once told me that he said eddie had to be with him for support 

_ Bill _ \- he told me that he ‘fucked the principle so good that’ and i don’t know how that sentence ended because i beeped him very fucking quickly 

_ Ben _ \- jesus 

_ Ben _ \- something is wrong with him i swear

_ Bev _ \- somethings wrong with eddie to if he likes richie so much 

_ Stan _ \- tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if richie used the gay card to be with eddie so much

_ Stan _ \- he did it to me once so like

_ Mike _ \- GUYS

_ Mike _ \- I think they were just holding hands under the table??????

_ Ben _ \- what?!?!

_ Mike _ \- yeah they were sitting weirdly and then when it came to right richie sighed and pulled his hand out from under the desk 

_ Mike _ \- “eddie can you do my work for me?”

_ Mike _ \- “why would i do that?”

_ Mike _ \- “because im the hottest person in derry”

_ Mike _ \- “you’re no mike”

_ Mike _ \- both of them turned around and grinned at me. It was really creepy actually because it was so in sync 

_ Bill _ \- it’s weird when they do that

_ Mike _ \- our teacher doesn’t care so we basically have free time for the next ten minutes, both of them spun fully around so they can talk to me

_ Mike _ \- i am tyoing undrr the tablw

_ Mike _ \- were talkibg bout work

_ Bill _ \- lol

_ Mike _ \- theu watchd a scart moviw last night

_ Mike _ \- rich says ed ‘scremed likw a lil bitch’

_ Mike _ \- ed sais that rich is full of shit

_ Bev _ \- how do they not realise that mikes typing?

_ Bill _ \- probably to busy staring at each other 

_ Bev _ \- honestly 

_ Mike _ \- omg 

_ Mike _ \- they’re ignoring me again because they’re arguing about which flavour of popcorn is better. I hate being alone in this class

_ Stan _ \- like i said, jackasses

_ Mike _ \- why do they look like they’re about to throw punches

_ Mike _ \- im kinda scared

_ Bev _ \- over popcorn?

_ Bev _ \- actually i'm not even surprised 

_ Bill _ \- neither

_ Mike _ \- we got worksheets

_ Mike _ \- I’ve never really watched them before in class

_ Bill _ \- creepy isn’t it 

_ Mike _ \- the sheet has like twenty questions about the book we’re reading. Richie flips the page over and does 11-20 while eddie does 1-10. 

_ Bill _ \- they do it in math as well

_ Bill _ \- does my head in 

_ Mike _ \- give me a minute

_ Mike _ \- okay so they finished their ten questions and then copied the other person’s which means they’re already done and im only on number 8

_ Bill _ \- they mix up the answers just enough to get caught

_ Bill _ \- i tried it with stan once and it’s actually lowkey hard 

_ Mike _ \- mr H takes their paper and now they’re free to do whatever they want

_ Mike _ \- which is apparently whisper loud enough to annoy me

_ Bev _ \- but that means you can hear them?????

_ Mike _ \- I can’t tell if they know I can hear them 

_ Bev _ \- better for us

_ Mike _ \- e: can you please not be an idiot for two seconds

_ Mike _ \- r: babe I love it when you beg me

_ Mike _ \- e: oh please, you wish

_ Mike _ \- r: I know, we talked about this last night

_ Mike _ \- e: you couldn’t talk last night you were to scared of the movie

_ Mike _ \- r: I talked to mrs K all about 

_ Mike _ \- e: beep beep bitch 

_ Mike _ \- r: awww that was a funny way

_ Mike _ \- e: literally couldn’t care less

_ Mike _ \- r: you wound me babe

_ Mike _ \- e: sorry darling

_ Mike _ \- okay side note richie’s eyes went really fucking wide and he stopped tapping the desk when eddie called him that. I think eddie noticed 

_ Mike _ \- r: are you coming to the sleepover this weekend?

_ Mike _ \- e: the one that all the losers are going to?

_ Mike _ \- r: yeah

_ Mike _ \- e: yes, I am coming to that sleepover unless my mother decides to be a bitch again

_ Mike _ \- r: at least you’re calling her a bitch, stick it to her. Now tell it to her face!

_ Mike _ \- then he gets really serious

_ Mike _ \- r: what did she do? 

_ Mike _ \- e: got annoyed when I came home with wet hair, said I wasn’t allowed to go to the quarry again

_ Mike _ \- r: did you tell her that you jumped in? 

_ Mike _ \- e: she would have packed me up and moved me to my aunts or something 

_ Mike _ \- r: she really hates me

_ Mike _ \- e: she complains about you, oh, every day

_ Mike _ \- r: not about how good I am at

_ Mike _ \- e: beep beep 

_ Mike _ \- r: you’re no fun

_ Mike _ \- e: I’m a gem

_ Mike _ \- r: I’ll sneak you out if needed on Friday

_ Mike _ \- e: sounds good

_ Mike _ \- okay they’ve stopped talking and they are now playing tic tac toe

_ Bev _ \- poor eddie :/

_ Bill _ \- yeah his mother is

_ Bill _ \- a lot

_ Stan _ \- i'm surprised richie can sit still enough to play a game 

_ Ben _ \- so do they just sit in class for the rest of the period??

_ Bill _ \- yeah usually 

_ Bill _ \- they’re really quick 

_ Mike _ \- and im behind because I was typing so let me do this quickly 

_ Bev _ \- what are we thinking? 

_ Stan _ \- that they’re both idiots

_ Stan _ \- but we are all also idiots for being interested 

_ Bev _ \- lol what else there to do in Derry fucking Maine

_ Stan _ \- true

_ Ben _ \- they literally act like a couple and then act like the other isn’t in love

_ Ben _ \- hell, actual couples aren’t as annoying as they are

_ Bill _ \- wait, richie said not knowing if eddie was gay was something that held him back

_ Bill _ \- but

_ Bill _ \- he’s known for sometime. I mean, I’ve known for like a solid three months and I’m pretty sure Eddie told rich first 

_ Stan _ \- he’s just a bitch 

_ Stan _ \- a bitch in love tho

_ Bev _ \- stan, that’s so sweet

_ Stan _ \- :/

_ Bill _ \- he is sweet

_ Bill _ \- he just likes to pretend that he isn’t

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- I have an idea

_ tHOzier _ \- it’s great

_ Spaghetti _ \- It is not

_ tHOzier _ \- shut up eds

_ Spaghetti _ \- at least I can come up with actually good ideas

_ tHOzier _ \- fuck you

_ Spaghetti _ \- fuck you!

_ tHOzier _ \- fuck you!!

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- they’re staring at each other while they type

_ Mike _ \- I am so tired of them

_ Mike _ \- one period of actively paying attention and I’m about to go off

_ Bill _ \- if you do snap I will help you clean up the evidence

_ Stan _ \- same

_ Mike _ \- thanks guys

_ Ben _ \- what are they doing now? 

_ Mike _ \- whispering to quietly for me to hear and I think they’re holding hands under the table again 

_ Bill _ \- absolute morons 


	4. Chapter 1:  The ‘it’s Bill’s time to deal with the idiots’ Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- okay but my idea, before I was rudely interrupted, was that we get fucking wasted at my house this weekend

_ Spaghetti _ \- I’m sure your parents will be so happy

_ bad bitch  _ \- who cares? I’m game

_ Benzo  _ \- same

_ tHOzier _ \- parents are going out this weekend eds

_ tHOzier _ \- eds spaeges

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s such a dumb name richie 

_ tHOzier _ \- I told you they were leaving 

_ tHOzier _ \- and fuck you it’s a great name

_ billy bill bill  _ \- so, alcohol?

_ Benzo  _ \- nice

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- sounds good

_ Benzo  _ \- I still have some in my room from last time. It’s hidden under my clothes in my closet 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- why not

_ tHOzier _ \- eds, do you think we could take some of mrs ks pills to crush up?

_ tHOzier _ \- what happens if you snort crazy people pills

_ Spaghetti _ \- beep beep bitch 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- are they in class yet bill?

_ Ben _ \- I’m like 90% sure I just saw them walking past my class so I’m saying no

_ Bill _ \- yeah they’re not here yet

_ Bill _ \- they just arrived 

_ Bill _ \- that is definitely richies jumper

_ Mike _ \- knew it

_ Bill _ \- that’s really adorable 

_ Bill _ \- it’s like clearly too big

_ Bill _ \- so we have a seating arrangement in this class which means I can’t hear them but I can see them. They’re like three rows ahead and a few seats to my left so I’m going to do the best I can here

_ Mike _ \- again, how are they allowed to sit next to each other

_ Bill _ \- remember? they were separated and they stayed away for about a week and then richie started getting fidgety and said he’d stop if he could sit next to eddie

_ Mike _ \- and it worked?

_ Bill _ \- he’s less fidgety now for sure

_ Bev _ \- i make fun of them but they are good at that

_ Bev _ \- like calming each other down and stuff 

_ Bill _ \- richie is drawing on eddie’s fingers

_ Bill _ \- I’ve never seen him doing that

_ Bev _ \- are you for real right now? 

_ Bill _ \- yeah

_ Stan _ \- okay that’s cute

_ Bev _ \- can you see what he’s drawing????

_ Bill _ \- something in red pen

_ Stan _ \- probably a dick or something 

_ Mike _ \- that sounds like richie 

_ Bill _ \- eddie just whispered something to richie and richie literally looked like he was about to die

_ Bill _ \- im worried richie is just gonna propose 

_ Mike _ \- middle of maths? Most romantic place there is.

_ Bill _ \- we just got our sheets and they’re doing the same thing

_ Bill _ \- eddie is doing the first page and richie is doing the second one

_ Bev _ \- i wonder how long they’ve been doing it? 

_ Stan _ \- since the beginning of high school

_ Mike _ \- really? 

_ Stan _ \- yup

_ Mike _ \- that’s intense

_ Mike _ \- so have you guys been dealing with this since you were like 12? 

_ Stan _ \- we’ve been dealing with it since we were all about 8 tbh

_ Bill _ \- they were in love before they even knew what it was

_ Bev _ \- cute

_ Stan _ \- gross

_ Bill _ \- they’ve got their feet crossed under the table? 

_ Bill _ \- like crossed over each other

_ Stan _ \- how can they be that stupid

_ Mike _ \- it’s almost impressive 

_ Ben _ \- like how they sit in the hammock 

_ Mike _ \- they’re literally going to need us to force them to be together before anything happens 

_ Ben _ \- mike get that weird gun

_ Stan _ \- i think that’s illegal 

_ Bev _ \- if we explain it to the cops they won’t mind 

_ Bev _ \- “sir, we had to hold them at gunpoint because they’ve refused to share their feelings and it’s been years”

_ Mike _ \- they’ll understand 

_ Bill _ \- eddie is making love eyes at richie now

_ Bill _ \- but like also that’s just how they look at each other

_ Stan _ \- call them out 

_ Bev _ \- lmao 

_ Bev _ \- what are they doing now

_ Bill _ \- literally nothing

_ Bill _ \- they’re just sitting there

_ Bill _ \- oh they’re sharing headphones, I couldn’t see it before

_ Mike _ \- who’s phone?

_ Bill _ \- richie has the orange case right?

_ Mike _ \- yeah

_ Bill _ \- richie’s phone

_ Bill _ \- both literally look high right now

_ Bill _ \- oh shit the teacher is going over to them

_ Stan _ \- are you allowed to listen to music? 

_ Bill _ \- no

_ Mike _ \- what’s happening?? 

_ Bill _ \- the teacher told them they couldn’t listen while working and they handed their papers to her without really talking

_ Mike _ \- richie not talking??? Wow

_ Bill _ \- hang on

_ Bill _ \- she looks the answers over and says that they still can’t listen to music in class

_ Bill _ \- richie says “but miss I made this playlist for my BFF eds here and we haven’t had a chance to listen to it!” Mrs L was like “doesn’t matter” and richie goes “you do know what a mixtape is, right?”

_ Bev _ \- a mixtape??

_ Stan _ \- they have a few

_ Bill _ \- Mrs L goes ‘yes, Mr Tozier, I am aware’ and richie says ‘so you’re going to let us listen to the music?’ 

_ Bill _ \- “give me your phone” “oh but miss how will I know when to take my birth control pills?” 

_ Bill _ \- and now Richie is standing in the hall, mrs L has Richie phones and both of them are pouting about it. 

_ Bill _ \- he keeps looking in the window

_ Bill _ \- mrs L told him that he could either stop or go to the principal 

_ Mike _ \- god if richie goes to the principal again he’s gonna get suspended or something 

_ Ben _ \- yeah he’s gotten so many detentions this semester

_ Mike _ \- please tell me he stopped

_ Bill _ \- he looked at eddie who from how tense his shoulders are I am assuming was giving richie his best death glare. He nodded and stepped back. 

_ Stan _ \- Richie’s punishment was being sent away from Eddie

_ Ben _ \- true love

_ Bev _ \- we need to use eddie to control richie more

_ Stan _ \- i’ve never seen it work irl

_ Mike _ \- I'd like to see it

_ Bill _ \- eddie looks sad

_ Bill _ \- he just looked at me and rolled his eyes nvm

_ Stan _ \- do your work bill, let us know if something else happens

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- I am deeply in love with Richie

_ Spaghetti _ \- Richie is a lot more attractive them me

_ Spaghetti _ \- Richie is the best at sex

_ Spaghetti _ \- and the funniest person in Maine

_ Spaghetti _ \- no, america

_ Spaghetti _ \- no, the world! 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- what the fuck are you talking about richie

_ Spaghetti _ \- this is clearly Eddie

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- we’re not idiots

_ Benzo  _ \- lmao why do you have eddie’s phone?

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- Billy said you got kicked out of class

_ Spaghetti _ \- yes, I did, and I took eddie’s phone because standing in the hallway is boring

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- did you steal eddie’s phone

_ Spaghetti _ \- no comment

_ Spaghetti _ \- he won’t care

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- Eddie won’t care about you being annoying

_ Benzo  _ \- all you two do is fight about you being annoying

_ Spaghetti _ \- not true we also make out a lot

_ Spaghetti _ \- love that eds isn’t here to bitch 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- i think eddie just figured out you have his phone

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I have a feeling you’re going to get bitched at

_ Spaghetti _ \- it’s our foreplay

_ Spaghetti _ \- I KNOW

_ Spaghetti _ \- beep beep richie

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- please

_ Benzo  _ \- ^^

_ Spaghetti _ \- ben how dear you

_ bad bitch  _ \- wait I’m missing out on all the fun

_ bad bitch  _ \- why do i have to have such a bitch of a teacher

_ Spaghetti _ \- bevey your boyfriend is being mean to me

_ bad bitch  _ \- poor baby

_ Spaghetti _ \- ha

_ bad bitch  _ \- talking about Ben

_ Spaghetti _ \- why are you all so mean? 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- should have stayed in class, eddie is nice to you

_ Spaghetti _ \- he’s the meanest

_ Spaghetti _ \- well, he isn’t mean about my fashion sense

_ bad bitch  _ \- crazy

_ Spaghetti _ \- okay you guys suck 

_ Spaghetti _ \- Im done I want to talk to eds now

_ Benzo  _ \- can’t even last ten minutes without him now

_ Spaghetti _ \- don’t call me out traitor 

_ Spaghetti _ \- oh shit mrs is coming back

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- Okay

_ Stan _ \- ???

_ Bev _ \- we need a plan for this weekend

_ Bev _ \- not just watch them

_ Bill _ \- they might figure out that we’re watching them

_ Bev _ \- exactly 

_ Mike _ \- so are we implementing phase one? 

_ Ben _ \- Truth or dare????

_ Bev _ \- hell yeah

_ Stan _ \- oh shit why am I excited for this

_ Bev _ \- because it’s going to be fun????

_ Bill _ \- Richie just got let back in if he promised to behave

_ Bev _ \- Richie behave? 

_ Bill _ \- I know

_ Stan _ \- do you have a sub or something 

_ Bill _ \- lol that would make sense

_ Bill _ \- he came back in, finger gunned at me and then sat back down beside Eddie. They’re whispering something 

_ Ben _ \- what’s the vibe?

_ Bill _ \- both look pretty chill

_ Bill _ \- richie handed eddie his phone and eddie didn’t even look surprised 

_ Ben _ \- I don’t think anything can surprise them when it comes to each other now

_ Mike _ \- what are they doing now?

_ Bill _ \- they’re still whispering 

_ Bill _ \- They’ve stopped

_ Mike _ \- oh god I can’t imagine what they’re talking about

_ Bill _ \- Richie nodded

_ Stan _ \- I feel like this is going to end badly for us

_ Stan _ \- oh no 

_ Stan _ \- are they going to get worse when they’re in a relationship??

_ Ben _ \- probably

_ Stan _ \- shit. 


	5. Chapter 1:  The ‘let's get angsty for a second‘ Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS:::
> 
> Homophobia (spoilers: see the endnote for details)

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- 1000 FUCKING DAYS

_ tHOzier _ \- EDDIE MY BABY WE DID IT

_ Spaghetti _ \- !!!!!!!!!!!!!

_ Spaghetti _ \- I CAN’T

_ tHOzier _ \- SHITSHIT

_ tHOzier _ \- 2000 HERE WE COME BITCH

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- Can we know what you two are yelling about at five o’clock in the morning

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- They’re also together right now.

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- Eddie’s at Richie’s house

_ tHOzier _ \- 1000 FUCKING DAYS

_ bad bitch  _ \- ???

_ Spaghetti _ \- I feel like we should give a speech

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- what are you talking about

_ tHOzier _ \- I’ve never been prouder of us

_ tHOzier _ \- coming out to the losers? Standing up to your mother? Fighting that man in a clown costume in the sewer? NOthing compares 

_ Spaghetti _ \- I KNOW!!!

_ Spaghetti _ \- I don’t think I’ve ever been happier

_ tHOzier _ \- This is what love feels like

_ Spaghetti _ \- !!!

_ bad bitch  _ \- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- with them? It could be anything. They are crazy

_ tHOzier _ \- crazy in love

_ tHOzier _ \- eds can you believe this is happening? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- with our ADHD asses? No

_ tHOzier _ \- !!!

_ bad bitch  _ \- he didn’t even complain about the name

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- Im scared

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I can’t believe you woke me up for this

_ tHOzier _ \- Eds and mine snapchat streak just hit 1000 days!!

_ billy bill bill  _ \- Really? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- YES

_ billy bill bill  _ \- 1000 days? 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- that’s 33 months

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why did you know that so quickly?

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- good at maths

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- your snapchat streak is over two and a half years long??

_ tHOzier _ \- yes!! Officially 1000 this morning 

_ bad bitch  _ \- you two said you couldn’t keep them because you always forgot about them 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- ours lasted like two weeks eddie and then you forgot 

_ tHOzier _ \- rip to you but we’re different 

_ Spaghetti _ \- yeah sorry bill 

_ tHOzier _ \- we’re celebrating tonight

_ Spaghetti _ \- oh shit forgot about that

_ Spaghetti _ \- hell yes 

_ bad bitch  _ \- what are you doing?

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- they’ve had a streak going for nearly three years

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I am actually finding that hard to believe 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- Im with Stan

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- how they are celebrating tho?

_ bad bitch  _ \- some weird sex thing probs

_ billy bill bill  _ \- sounds like a date tbh

_ billy bill bill  _ \- ;))))))

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I still don’t believe them

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- sometimes richie doesn’t respond for like a week because he forgot about it

_ billy bill bill  _ \- yeah but like

_ billy bill bill  _ \- it’s eddie 

_ bad bitch  _ \- they’re not active anymore

_ bad bitch  _ \- I want to know 

_ Benzo  _ \- 1000??!!??

**Private Message Between ** ** _Bev and Ben_ **

_ Ben _ \- I won’t be at lunch

_ Bev _ \- ??

_ Ben _ \- woodshop tech wants to talk to me

_ Bev _ \- oh? 

_ Ben _ \- apparently there’s an internship up for grabs

_ Bev _ \- babe!!! You’d do amazing!

_ Ben _ \- thanks

_ Ben _ \- do you still want to go out tonight? 

_ Bev _ \- yeah, of course I do. 

_ Bev _ \- It’s our year anniversary in a month

_ Bev _ \- Isn’t that crazy?

_ Ben _ \- It really is

_ Bev _ \- we have to do something fun

_ Ben _ \- like what?

_ Bev _ \- idk something amazing

_ Bev _ \- Love you Ben

_ Ben _ \- Love you too

_ Bev _ \- and because I love you I’ll keep you updated about the reddie situation 

_ Ben _ \- that’s true love right there

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- Richie and I will be at lunch in like five minutes

_ bad bitch  _ \- what happened?

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I’m going to guess a teacher wants to talk to them

_ tHOzier _ \- and the point goes to Stan the Man

_ Spaghetti _ \- actually a teacher wants to talk to richie about richie’s behaviour 

_ tHOzier _ \- half a point then

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- so why are you going eddie?

_ tHOzier _ \- because he loves me

_ Spaghetti _ \- because richie took my lunch money and won’t give it back unless I go with him

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- Isn’t that extortion? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- yes

_ tHOzier _ \- no

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- lol

_ tHOzier _ \- eds loves spending time with me so he wanted to come

_ Spaghetti _ \- fuck off

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- are you two walking side by side right now?

_ tHOzier _ \- yes

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I actually hate the both of you

_ tHOzier _ \- you lov 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- ???

_ Spaghetti _ \- he walked into a wall and accidentally sent the message as he fell over

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah and all eds did was laugh

_ Spaghetti _ \- not my name

_ Spaghetti _ \- and it was funny

_ tHOzier _ \- ://////

_ Spaghetti _ \- poor baby

_ tHOzier _ \- don’t call me baby when you’re being mean

_ tHOzier _ \- it confuses me

_ tHOzier _ \- and my

_ tHOzier _ \- he beeped me, sorry guys you can’t find out my awesome joke

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- you’ve got like three jokes I think we can guess what you were going to say. 

_ tHOzier _ \- it was about my dick

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- yeah

_ Spaghetti _ \- you’re the dick

_ tHOzier _ \- you love my dick

_ Spaghetti _ \- what the fuck

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s actually disgusting 

_ tHOzier _ \- will you ever be able to have sex? Like with your weird germ thing? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- it’s not weird

_ tHOzier _ \- eddie I tried to hold your hand once and you nearly cried 

_ Spaghetti _ \- do you know how many germs there are on a hand??

_ tHOzier _ \- you’re never going to have sex

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- what the fuck are you two talking about

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- can’t you just talk out loud and stop bothering us? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- we’ll see in you a few minutes

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- oh good

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- Stan you’re actually savage

_ Stan _ \- thank you

_ Stan _ \- they bring it out of me

_ Bev _ \- well it’s fun for the rest of us well

_ Ben _ \- are they there

_ Bill _ \- no and it’s been like 15 mins already 

_ Stan _ \- teachers usually get annoyed after 5 

_ Bev _ \- probably making out or something lol

_ Stan _ \- gross

_ Ben _ \- but them

_ Mike _ \- they just walked into the cafeteria 

_ Bill _ \- we’ve got to act natural 

_ Bill _ \- okay they’re getting food 

_ Bev _ \- go with the flow everyone 

_ Ben _ \- keep me updated

_ Ben _ \- the tech isn’t here but I’ve got to wait

_ Ben _ \- I need to know what’s happening okay

_ Ben _ \- true love

_ Mike _ \- currently richie is talking and eddie is listening 

_ Mike _ \- they don’t look like they’re enjoying the conversation 

_ Mike _ \- richie has both of their lunch money

_ Bev _ \- why did richie have eddie’s in the first place

_ Bev _ \- i'm gonna ask that 

_ Bill _ \- they’ve gotten their food and they’re coming over now

_ Bill _ \- eddie looks kinda sad

_ Bev _ \- might hold off on the jokes

_ Mike _ \- richie doesn’t look happy either

_ Ben _ \- keep me posted 

_ Mike _ \- I’ll scribe because they can’t see if I have my phone under the table 

_ Bev _ \- same

_ Mike _ \- bev asked if everything is okay

_ Mike _ \- they looked at each other before eddie shrugged and richie sighed

_ Mike _ \- eddie’s mom is angry again.

_ Ben _ \- oh

_ Bev _ \- sounds serious

_ Ben _ \- that sucks 

_ Mike _ \- Stan’s asking for more info

_ Bev _ \- richie looks pissed off and eddie is sad

_ Mike _ \- she found out that richie is gay

_ Mike _ \- well Bi but I don’t think she cares

_ Ben _ \- shit

_ Bev _ \- yeah

_ Mike _ \- apparently she called eddie just before when richie was in his meeting and told him that he can’t be friends with richie anymore. 

_ Mike _ \- richie hasn’t said a single joke and it’s scaring me

_ Mike _ \- eddie is genuinely worried he’s about to be pulled out of school or something

_ Ben _ \- wouldn’t put it past mrs K

_ Mike _ \- richie had some colorful words to describe eddie’s mom

_ Ben _ \- :( 

_ Ben _ \- is he okay? 

_ Mike _ \- I don’t know

_ Stan _ \- richie’s holding his hand

_ Ben _ \- you can’t even say anything about that tho

_ Mike _ \- no

_ Mike _ \- eddie’s worried about his mom finding out about him 

_ Ben _ \- jeez

_ Mike _ \- okay he doesn’t want to talk about it

_ Mike _ \- they started talking about the movie they watched last night 

_ Ben _ \- go along with what they want

_ Bev _ \- yeah 

_ Mike _ \- we’re talking about the weekend 

_ Mike _ \- bill mentioned truth or dare and richie was very happy to agree

_ Bev _ \- this sleepover is going to be

_ Bev _ \- amazing

_ Ben _ \- we can’t just go ‘now kiss’ tho

_ Bev _ \- no but we can lock them in a closet for seven minutes

_ Mike _ \- or dare them to sit on each other’s lap

_ Bev _ \- seven minutes in heaven with no shirts

_ Ben _ \- how are you going to get them to do that

_ Bev _ \- when I dare richie to go into the closet (lol) he’ll say it’s easy so I’ll ask him if I want him to up the challenge. Eddie will say no but richie will say yes. I’ll dare them to both take off their shirts. If I can I’m going to try and get them to take off their pants as well

_ Ben _ \- I’m dating a psychopath 

_ Bev _ \- you’re dating a very clever person is who fed up with richie talking about his ‘unrequited crush’ 

_ Ben _ \- okay that’s fair

_ Stan _ \- jeez beverly 

_ Stan _ \- that’s intense 

_ Bill _ \- it really is

_ Bev _ \- intense is what we need

_ Mike _ \- true that

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich_ ** ** and ** ** _Eds_ **

_ Rich _ \- are you okay?

_ Eds _ \- I’ve been home for about a minute

_ Eds _ \- are you even out of my driveway? 

_ Rich _ \- I parked down the road

_ Eds _ \- go home rich, I can deal with this

_ Rich _ \- I don’t like it

_ Eds _ \- well neither but I can do it

_ Rich _ \- I know you can but I don’t want you to

_ Eds _ \- she just called me into the living room

_ Rich _ \- let me know how it goes

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- I’m bored 

_ bad bitch  _ \- what do you want me to do about that?

_ tHOzier _ \- idk entertain me

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- piss off

_ tHOzier _ \- stan my bff plz I am so bored

_ tHOzier _ \- I hate not doing anything 

_ bad bitch  _ \- then do something?

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- yeah why don’t you do something then

_ tHOzier _ \- I am currently sitting in my car, parked on the side of the road about three houses down for eddies and can not leave

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- omg

_ Stan _ \- Richie being sweet? 

_ Stan _ \- Who knew that he could do that

_ Bev _ \- I know

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- I’m still bored 

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- you’re favourite goat tried to eat my shirt

_ tHOzier _ \- !! REally

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- yup

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you have a favourite goat? 

_ tHOzier _ \- of course I do. Her name is Vivienne and she is a huge bitch

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- that is true

_ tHOzier _ \- ugly as well

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- also true

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I never pegged you for a farm guy

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I also pegged him as a dumpster behind a liquor store in New York kinda guy

_ tHOzier _ \- that’s really rude

_ tHOzier _ \- I am clearly a dumpster behind a high-class restaurant guy

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- gas station

_ tHOzier _ \- 7/11

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- club that was popular in 2007 but has since fallen into repair. The owners were hipsters but now they're just depressed and broke jerks who drink the cheapest brand of kombucha and do coke on special occasions. They live in the club and it’s only open on Sunday’s now because they both have late shifts as cleaners at the local walmart and target every night. 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- what the ever-loving fuck Stan

_ bad bitch  _ \- I did not expect that from Stanley 

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- uhh

_ Benzo  _ \- what did I just read

_ tHOzier _ \- FUCKING ACCURATE STAN

_ tHOzier _ \- you know me so well

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I know

_ tHOzier _ \- i’m impressed 

_ bad bitch  _ \- It was a good read

_ billy bill bill  _ \- very vivid 

_ bad bitch  _ \- and let’s be real. Very richie

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- Thanks.

_ Benzo  _ \- okay

_ Benzo  _ \- normal messages between normal friends

_ billy bill bill  _ \- as soon as you decide to be friends with richie you have to give up normal 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- that’s true

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- we never had a chance bill 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- lmao

_ bad bitch  _ \- this is way more fun

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- as much as I hate to admit it. Yeah. 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Richie_ ** ** and ** ** _Maggie_ **

_ baby _ \- heyyyyy

_ Mom _ \- what did you do

_ baby _ \- nothing 

_ baby _ \- but

_ Mom _ \- oh god

_ baby _ \- I need to ask you something

_ baby _ \- well eddie and I need to ask you something

_ Mom _ \- ok

_ baby _ \- can eddie come and live with us

_ Mom _ \- haha

_ baby _ \- I’m being serious. 

_ Mom _ \- like you were serious when you were nine because ‘mom we can’t live in different houses anymore because we can’t listen to the same music’?

_ baby _ \- his mom kicked him out

_ Mom _ \- what? 

_ Mom _ \- Richie start from the start please. 

_ baby _ \- so eds is gay right, I think you knew that because it’s kinda obvious (look at his shorts and be real). Anyway, the bitch found out that I am gay today and was all ‘you can’t hang out with that boy because he’ll make you sick’ because she’s awful and part witch. Anyway, eddie got home and she starts yelling about how being gay is evil and how eddie needs to stop talking to me. Eddie, my brave little eds, decides to come out to his mother then and there (he only just told our friends mind you: brave). The bitch told him that he has ten minutes to get whatever he needed and to get out until he wasn’t sick anymore. He grabbed some things and came out, see I knew something was going to go wrong so I was parked outside his house. We’re sitting outside our house right now. 

_ Mom _ \- oh my

_ Mom _ \- I did now. 

_ baby _ \- can he at least stay the night

_ Mom _ \- he can stay as long as he needs to. I’ll call Sonia and let her now

_ baby _ \- she doesn’t deserve that

_ Mom _ \- come into the house richie and we can figure it all out.

_ baby _ \- aren’t you going to tell me off for swearing?

_ Mom _ \- calling Sonia a bitch? No, I’m not going to. You’re right. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- guess who just got a new roommate! 

_ tHOzier _ \- no offence eds but your mother kicking you out is awesome

_ tHOzier _ \- I don’t have to climb in your window anymore! 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Ben _ \- holy shit!

_ Bev _ \- what the fuck

_ Ben _ \- omg

_ Stan _ \- okay this keeps getting better and better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> {Mrs K finds out that Richie is gay and tells Eddie not to be his friend. Eddie proceeds to come out and Mrs K (off-screen) kicks him out of the house.}


	6. Chapter 1:  The ‘it’s time to fucking party’ Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's party time.

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Benzo _ \- hey, quick question. I know we’re all talking about how eddie is living with richie and stuff but like

_ Benzo _ \- what did you mean when you said that you fought a clown in a sewer? 

_ Benzo _ \- is that code for something or like 

_ tHOzier _ \- I keep forgetting that my darling Ben wasn’t there

_ bad bitch  _ \- no, it actually happened

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- summer before you came to town

_ bad bitch  _ \- it was a ride 

_ tHOzier _ \- so it starts because Bill’s brother Georgie went missing one day

_ Benzo _ \- the Georgie that cashed our sleepover the other week

_ tHOzier _ \- he came back

_ bad bitch  _ \- you’re getting ahead of yourself.

_ billy bill bill  _ \- but yeah he is back

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- how have we not told ben this yet

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- trauma 

_ tHOzier _ \- let me tell the story 

_ tHOzier _ \- so baby G goes missing and the entire town is like ‘shit we should find this kid’

_ billy bill bill  _ \- yes, that’s what we were thinking

_ tHOzier _ \- everyone is out searching for this kid and it’s getting dark. People are scared 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- normal response to a five year old going missing

_ tHOzier _ \- then, at like 10pm that night, a dude tries to snatch bevey-boo

_ bad bitch  _ \- he didn’t try to snatch me. He took me

_ tHOzier _ \- but we were there and literally watched this happen

_ bad bitch  _ \- yet he managed to get me

_ tHOzier _ \- shut up bev

_ tHOzier _ \- so we followed him because we’re fucking brave as shit

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you whined the entire time that you were going to die

_ tHOzier _ \- brave as shit. So we get to the sewers and clown is already inside. Eds is about to have a panic attack 

_ tHOzier _ \- he wants me to say that his name isn’t eds

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- he doesn’t want you to say that he didn’t almost have a panic attack? 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- I mean he did but still.

_ tHOzier _ \- he’s realistic. Anyway, we go into the sewer. 

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- we really should have called someone

_ tHOzier _ \- and after a few turns we find this dude plus Bev and baby G

_ billy bill bill  _ \- best feeling ever

_ tHOzier _ \- clown is all ‘now I have all these kids to eat’

_ Benzo _ \- what

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- he isn’t lying about that

_ billy bill bill  _ \- direct quote

_ Benzo _ \- wtf

_ tHOzier _ \- billyboi just goes fucking apeshit 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- big brother instinct 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- the big brother instinct is to grab a pipe and beat a man dressed as a clown holding a knife?

_ billy bill bill  _ \- yes

_ Benzo _ \- knife?

_ billy bill bill  _ \- yes

_ tHOzier _ \- we all get in on the action and start whaling on this dude.

_ Benzo _ \- what the actual fuck

_ tHOzier _ \- he spat blood at eds at one point and eds went fucking feral. I swear he dented that fuckers head with the hit he landed. 

_ bad bitch  _ \- it was dented in court still 

_ Benzo _ \- court?

_ tHOzier _ \- we do what every normal group of kids would do. Bill grabbed baby G and the rest of us dragged the clown out of the sewer. Some of the search party happened to walk by when we did. 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- they were shocked

_ tHOzier _ \- he was arrested, he also almost died, and was sentenced to like kidnapping and he was like a crack addict as well

_ Benzo _ \- you’re fucking with me

_ Benzo _ \- wait

_ Benzo _ \- I read a newspaper article about this

_ billy bill bill  _ \- doesn’t have our names because our parents said no

_ Benzo _ \- nah 

_ Benzo _ \- you’re fucking with me

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- we are not.

_ Benzo _ \- hoooooly shit

**Private Message Between ** ** _Richie_ ** ** and ** ** _Stan_ **

_ Richie _ \- I can’t sleep

_ Stan _ \- and?

_ Richie _ \- this was supposed to be romantic 

_ Stan _ \- is eddie making you sleep in the living room?

_ Richie _ \- eddie has his own room

_ Stan _ \- you and eddie have slept in the same room for years

_ Richie _ \- stanny stop talking about my side ho i’m tryna be romantic 

_ Stan _ \- he did kick you out

_ Richie _ \- maybe

_ Stan _ \- of your own room

_ Stan _ \- on the first night of him staying there? 

_ Richie _ \- sort of

_ Richie _ \- he actually kicked me out of the bed 

_ Stan _ \- lol sucks to be you I guess

_ Richie _ \- :(

_ Stan _ \- good night

_ Richie _ \- wait

_ Richie _ \- stannnnn

_ Richie _ \- stop ignoring me

_ Richie _ \- nvm i'm back in the bed

_ Richie _ \- please do not respond because I am about to rock his world

_ Richie _ \- eddie's yelling at me for that message

_ Richie _ \- I've been kicked out again

_ Stan _ \- I am so close to blocking you

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mikey Moo _ \- bad news

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- what? 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- I can’t come to the sleepover on saturday

_ Mikey Moo _ \- my great-aunt is coming over

_ bad bitch _ \- shit

_ Mikey Moo _ \- yeah

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- we can postpone? 

_ tHOzier _ \- wow, stan you’re being so caring rn 

_ tHOzier _ \- who knew

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- it’s because I like Mike

_ tHOzier _ \- harsh

_ tHOzier _ \- eddie wants me to say that he laughed

_ bad bitch _ \- is eddie reading these messages

_ tHOzier _ \- he is

_ bad bitch _ \- hi eddie

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- hey eddie

_ Mikey Moo _ \- heya

_ tHOzier _ \- he says hi

_ Mikey Moo _ \- when is he going to get his phone back?

_ bad bitch _ \- will you two be at school tomorrow? 

_ tHOzier _ \- don’t know. His mum called it like 100 times before moving onto the house phone

_ tHOzier _ \- mum blocked her

_ Mikey Moo _ \- awesome

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah mum only wanted us to have a day off 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- see you tomorrow then

_ Benzo _ \- hey eddie

_ Benzo _ \- oh sucks about saturday

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- are you sure you don’t want us to postpone? 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- it’s literally fine

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- you’ve got to keep me updated all night

_ Mike _ \- I’m invested in this

_ Bev _ \- promise 

_ Bev _ \- we’ll even film it if anything happens

_ Mike _ \- which knowing them, will not happen

_ Bev _ \- we’re friends with idiots

_ Stan _ \- that we are

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- let’s fucking party babeyyyyy

_ tHOzier _ \- eds is being mean to me

_ tHOzier _ \- because richie is being a jackass

_ tHOzier _ \- am not

_ tHOzier _ \- yes you fucking are

_ billy bill bill  _ \- shut the fuck up

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I am sitting behind you dumbasses

_ billy bill bill  _ \- they are casually passing the phone back and forth between each other

_ tHOzier _ \- we’re fighting but we want you to know about it. And we’re respectful, duh 

_ tHOzier _ \- love richie

_ billy bill bill  _ \- is anyone opposed to kicking them out? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- lol eddie just looked at me and he looks so betrayed

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- good. 

_ bad bitch _ \- don’t kick them out

_ bad bitch _ \- this is entertaining 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- what’s happening??

_ Bev _ \- right now we’re eating pizza

_ Bev _ \- richie is telling us about living with Eddie

_ Bev _ \- apparently Eddie doused his entire room in purell and cleaned his bathroom

_ Bev _ \- Maggie is ‘in love and wants eddie as a son’

_ Mike _ \- the cleanest and messiest loser live together now

_ Stan _ \- Richie is trying to feed Eddie pizza and Eddie is trying to hit richie

_ Ben _ \- True love

_ Bev _ \- We’re almost done with dinner and then we’re going to play truth or dare

_ Bev _ \- as soon as I can I’m starting phase one

_ Mike _ \- nice

_ Bev _ \- but first, shots

_ Mike _ \- someone do one for me

_ Bev _ \- dibs

_ Mike _ \- lmao

_ Bev _ \- we’re going to a circle now. We’re spinning the bottle and we’re under strict instruction to start it as soon as either of them say dare

_ Mike _ \- eddie won’t say dare after the Great Dare of Last Year

_ Bev _ \- I know

_ Bev _ \- okay Stan just got Eddie. Eddie said truth. 

_ Bev _ \- Stan’s asking who Eddie’s crush is

_ Bev _ \- lmaooooooo he looks so uncomfortable 

_ Bev _ \- his answer was Mike and now Richie is all offended 

_ Mike _ \- lol why me

_ Stan _ \- probably because you’re not here

_ Bev _ \- eddie dared bill to give Stan a lap dance

_ Bev _ \- neither are happy about it but this is really fun

_ Mike _ \- omg

_ Mike _ \- amazing

_ Bev _ \- billyboygrindingonstan.mov

_ Bill _ \- thanks bev

_ Bev _ \- Bill asked Ben if he was going to marry me

_ Mike _ \- v sweet

_ Bev _ \- he said that Bill has to ask me that lol

_ Mike _ \- what did you say?

_ Bev _ \- nothing I’m talking to you 

_ Mike _ \- oh

_ Mike _ \- lol

_ Bev _ \- Ben got Richie!!!

_ Mike _ \- oh shitttt

_ Bev _ \- “I dare you to go into the closet with eddie for seven minutes”

_ Bev _ \- “We just came out of there!” 

_ Bev _ \- eddie looks annoyed

_ Bill _ \- “that’s such a boring one ben, just so you know”

_ Bill _ \- “take off your shirts then,” bev said

_ Mike _ \- oh shitttttttttt it’s happening

_ Bill _ \- eddie looks like he’s about to pass out

_ Mike _ \- are they taking their shirts off

_ Bill _ \- richie practically ripped his off

_ Bill _ \- eddie is doing his now

_ Mike _ \- I’m surprised that eddie is doing it

_ Stan _ \- Bev is peer pressuring him

_ Mike _ \- that makes sense

_ Ben _ \- I am dating a psychopath 

_ Ben _ \- how does she have so much control of eddie

_ Bev _ \- patience 

_ Mike _ \- did they do it? 

_ Bev _ \- going in now

_ Mike _ \- nice

_ Bev _ \- we’re spying on them

_ Ben _ \- very quiet 

_ Bill _ \- we’re all leaning on the door

_ Stan _ \- Richie just banged on it and told us not to be peeping toms

_ Mike _ \- lol

_ Bev _ \- Stan and Ben both jumped at the noise

_ Ben _ \- don’t call me out bev

_ Mike _ \- are they still in the closet? 

_ Stan _ \- yup

_ Bill _ \- and they’re still quiet 

_ Stan _ \- something was just knocked over???

_ Bill _ \- lmao eddie just goes ‘oh shit’

_ Bev _ \- richie didn’t say anything

_ Stan _ \- can’t believe you just typed that out

_ Stan _ \- and I can’t believe that it’s true

_ Bill _ \- two minutes to go

_ Ben _ \- I leant against the door again

_ Ben _ \- there’s no sound 

_ Stan _ \- coming out now

_ Mike _ \- what happened??

_ Bev _ \- they were so quiet because they used to have make out silently when eddie was living with mrs K and that’s why we couldn’t hear them

_ Bev _ \- according to Richie of course

_ Mike _ \- what did eddie say? 

_ Bev _ \- that he wanted his shirt back

_ Mike _ \- did he get back??

_ Stan _ \- no

_ Stan _ \- richie took it and is holding it over eddie’s head

_ Mike _ \- lmao really

_ Bev _ \- “this is so fucking old richie”

_ Bev _ \- richie did it this morning as well

_ Mike _ \- those two 

_ Mike _ \- my god

_ Stan _ \- richie threatened to through eddie’s shirt in the pool

_ Ben _ \- eddie has his shirt back 

_ Ben _ \- richie is very upset about this development. 


	7. Chapter 1:  The ‘phase 2 is a go’ Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- what’s up bitches 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- eddie!!! 

_ Spaghetti _ \- I turned my phone back on!! 

_ Spaghetti _ \- I’m back

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why did you turn your phone back on at ten thirty at night 

_ Spaghetti _ \- mum should be asleep 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- fair enough 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- how’s that going? 

_ Spaghetti _ \- she turned up at Richie’s yesterday afternoon. Maggie told her that I was here and maggie told me that she came to see if I wanted to come home 

_ Benzo _ \- what did you say

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- hopefully that he wasn’t going back. 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- was she asking because she cares or

_ Spaghetti _ \- she doesn’t care. She wants me home because she’s controlling as fuck. 

_ Spaghetti _ \- Maggie told her that I would be staying at the Tozier’s for the foreseeable future 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- good

_ billy bill bill  _ \- that is good

_ billy bill bill  _ \- not that your mother is like that but that you got away 

_ Spaghetti _ \- she also said that Richie and I are going to hell if we stay on this track so that’s fun!!

_ Benzo _ \- that’s not true

_ Spaghetti _ \- thanks Ben

_ Spaghetti _ \- Maggie said I can stay with them for as long as I like 

_ tHOzier _ \- foreverrrrr

_ tHOzier _ \- until graduation 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- two very different things there

_ tHOzier _ \- both 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- how?

_ Spaghetti _ \- Live with Maggie and Went before going to college

_ Benzo _ \- you guys are going to college together? 

_ tHOzier _ \- we’re going to apply to a whole lot and then see what happens

_ tHOzier _ \- wherever accepts both of us is where we’re going

_ Spaghetti _ \- UCLA or NYU are the top choices 

_ Benzo _ \- I’d love to go to NYU

_ billy bill bill  _ \- same

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I’d love to go to NY

_ tHOzier _ \- group college 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- I’d rather stay in Derry

_ tHOzier _ \- rude

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Bev_ **

_ Bev  _ \- are you and Eddie a thing yet?

_ Rich  _ \- ???

_ Bev  _ \- a couple

_ Rich  _ \- what do you think

_ Bev  _ \- That you’re an idiot who can’t get his shit together? 

_ Rich  _ \- okay 

_ Rich  _ \- true

_ Bev  _ \- jesus you suck 

_ Rich  _ \- eddie is so fucking cute bev

_ Rich  _ \- is it gay that I want to kiss him

_ Bev  _ \- yes

_ Bev  _ \- very much so

_ Bev  _ \- but that doesn’t matter anymore

_ Rich  _ \- ???

_ Bev  _ \- eddie is gay babey

_ Rich  _ \- yes

_ Bev  _ \- shoot your shot

_ Rich  _ \- I can’t do that because 

_ Bev  _ \- because why?

_ Rich  _ \- ruin it

_ Bev  _ \- that boys worships you man just fucking ask him out

_ Rich  _ \- give me two minutes

_ Bev  _ \- I don’t trust you

_ Bev  _ \- now you’re just ignoring me

_ Rich  _ \- We’re going to dinner on Friday 

_ Bev  _ \- what the fuck 

_ Bev  _ \- are you serious? 

_ Rich  _ \- yes

_ Rich  _ \- we are going to get dinner

_ Rich  _ \- as friends 

_ Bev  _ \- i hate you

_ Rich  _ \- feel free to come

_ Bev  _ \- ASK HIM ON A FUCKING DATE

_ Rich  _ \- NO

_ Bev  _ \- Why notttttt

_ Rich  _ \- because 

_ Rich  _ \- I don’t know

_ Bev  _ \- Wtf

_ Rich  _ \- what happens if it’s awkward 

_ Bev  _ \- it won't be

_ Rich  _ \- okay but you have to come and sit with a hat on and then if it gets really awkward you have to be like ‘oh shit guys’ and join us

_ Bev  _ \- !!!!

_ Bev  _ \- I can do that!!!

_ Rich  _ \- really

_ Bev  _ \- yessssss

_ Bev  _ \- ask ask ask 

_ Rich  _ \- okay

_ Rich  _ \- Friday night, that fancy restaurant in town. We’re going over at 7 but we live together so I’m not picking him up or anything like that. 

_ Bev  _ \- OKAY

_ Bev  _ \- THIS IS AMAZING

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED

_ Bev  _ \- screenshot:richiesconvo1.png

_ Bev  _ \- screenshot:richiesconvo2.png

_ Bev  _ \- screenshot:richiesconvo3.png

_ Bev  _ \- screenshot:richiesconvo4.png

_ Bev  _ \- !!!!!!!!!!!!!

_ Stan  _ \- OH SHIT

_ Bill  _ \- Wtf????

_ Bill  _ \- no!

_ Bev  _ \- yes!

_ Mike  _ \- omg it’s happening 

_ Ben  _ \- holy heck 

_ Ben  _ \- are you going to go?

_ Bev  _ \- yes!!! And i’ll live message it

_ Bev  _ \- this has just become PHASE TWO 

_ Stan  _ \- why am i so excited 

_ Mike  _ \- just go with it

_ Stan  _ \- fuck this is going to be so good omg

_ Bev  _ \- I am so fucking exicted oh shittttttt

_ Ben  _ \- love is going to blossom

_ Stan  _ \- at the end of the date throw a chip at them

_ Bill  _ \- can i talk to eddie about it

_ Bill  _ \- is that part of the plan

_ Bev  _ \- hype him up

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Bill _ \- EDDIE

_ Eddie _ \- YES

_ Bill _ \- ;))))))

_ Bill _ \- ya know

_ Eddie _ \- no??

_ Bill _ \- Friday!

_ Eddie _ \- OH SHIT 

_ Eddie _ \- YEAH

_ Eddie _ \- im freaking out

_ Bill _ \- what happened 

_ Bill _ \- spill

_ Eddie _ \- it was cute

_ Bill _ \- nice

_ Eddie _ \- so we were sitting in his room playing video games and he let me win one of them (I’m so fucking bad bill). When the game finished he turns to me and is like ‘hey wanna go and get dinner on friday?’ so I said yea. But like, he means as friends right? Maybe he means the whole group so I’m chill about it. Then he goes ‘just the two of us’. Im blushing hardcore bill, it was so embarrassing. But also like we go out by ourselves all the time and we live together so it’s not that big of a deal right????? BUT THEN I made a joke like ‘oh sounds like a date’ and he BLUSHES bill BLUSHES and quietly says ‘yeah, kinda.’

_ Bill _ \- shit 

_ Bill _ \- amazing

_ Eddie _ \- I was so red omg

_ Eddie _ \- but I was like ‘that sounds good’

_ Eddie _ \- my voice cracked Bill 

_ Bill _ \- omg you’re first date

_ Eddie _ \- and it’s happening at that fancy restaurant 

_ Bill _ \- edddddie

_ Eddie _ \- I think i'm about to have a panic attack 

_ Bill _ \- calm down

_ Eddie _ \- no im

_ Eddie _ \- shit

_ Bill _ \- eddie?

_ Bill _ \- eddie???

_ Eddie _ \- fuck

_ Bill _ \- are you okay?

_ Eddie _ \- he’s okay

_ Eddie _ \- richie here

_ Bill _ \- what happened??

_ Eddie _ \- he couldn’t breath for a second but I have an inhaler in my room so we’re okay

_ Eddie _ \- i made him breathless

_ Bill _ \- why do you have an inhaler

_ Bill _ \- oh

_ Bill _ \- dumb joke by the way

_ Eddie _ \- thanks

_ Eddie _ \- hey, im back. Sorry 

_ Bill _ \- all good! Are you okay?

_ Eddie _ \- yeah

_ Eddie _ \- lmao going on a date with richie sent me into a panic attack

_ Eddie _ \- he doesn’t think it’s very funny

_ Bill _ \- it’s kinda funny

_ Eddie _ \- im gonna have a nap now so talk later

_ Bill _ \- okay :) 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bill _ \- Eddie’s excited

_ Bill _ \- but also v nervous 

_ Ben _ \- that’s sweet

_ Ben _ \- I love this

_ Mike _ \- same

_ Stan _ \- It’s fun to witness

_ Bev _ \- Stan, admitting he’s enjoying himself? More likely than you think.

_ Stan _ \- shut up bev

_ Bev _ \- is this what Richie feels like

_ Bill _ \- yea but he actually deserves it

_ Stan _ \- lmaooooo

_ Mike _ \- harsh 

_ Mike _ \- wow Stan used text speak 

_ Stan _ \- whatever

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- Stan, I saw a bird

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- okay?

_ tHOzier _ \- just thought you’d want to know

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- Tonight! 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- Crazy how 365 days ago it was this date last year

_ Spaghetti _ \- It is crazy

_ tHOzier _ \- who knew

_ Spaghetti _ \- tbh I had a feeling

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah, tbh, same

_ Spaghetti _ \- 8760 hours

_ tHOzier _ \- it’s only fivepm tho

_ Spaghetti _ \- 8757 hours

_ tHOzier _ \- shit that’s a lot of hours

_ Spaghetti _ \- it is

_ tHOzier _ \- almost as many hours as my dick is long

_ Spaghetti _ \- that doesn’t even make any sense

_ Spaghetti _ \- stop ruining the moment 

_ tHOzier _ \- ed’s this is crazy

_ tHOzier _ \- okay but 

_ tHOzier _ \- our friends are dumb lmao

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s so rude

_ Spaghetti _ \- but like

_ tHOzier _ \- lol

_ Spaghetti _ \- 8758 hours

_ tHOzier _ \- EDS 

_ Spaghetti _ \- still not my name

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- what are they talking about

_ Stan _ \- who knows 

_ Ben _ \- are you about to leave Bev?

_ Bev _ \- yeah, got my hat and sunglasses on

_ Stan _ \- seriously? 

_ Bev _ \- yea Richie was very specific that I was not to be seen

_ Bev _ \- he was scared it’d freak eddie out

_ Bev _ \- and eddie is already freaked out

_ Bill _ \- but why am *I* nervous 

_ Mike _ \- okay but same

_ Bev _ \- honestly 

_ Ben _ \- we’re about to witness something 

_ Bev _ \- leaving now. I’ll message when I get there

_ Bev _ \- okay I just arrived. They’re sitting in a booth and I’m sitting at the table behind Eddie so he can’t see me but Richie can.

_ Mike _ \- what’s the vibe

_ Bev _ \- they’ve both dressed really nicely 

_ Stan _ \- so not in booty shorts and ugly shirts

_ Bill _ \- Stan just said booty shorts

_ Bev _ \- Yeah, like they’re in white button-ups

_ Bev _ \- halfway to a suit

_ Bill _ \- oh shit yeah Eddie told me that Maggie took them both shopping

_ Mike _ \- that’s so sweet 

_ Ben _ \- did they go together? 

_ Mike _ \- knowing them, yes.

_ Bev _ \- okay, they’re holding hands on top of the table

_ Mike _ \- !!!!

_ Ben _ \- nice

_ Bev _ \- they’ve ordered garlic bread and it looks really nice so I’m gonna get some. 

_ Bev _ \- The waiter is looking at me like im crazy 

_ Stan _ \- you are wearing a hat and sunglasses

_ Bev _ \- yeah but Richie is polka dot bow tie

_ Mike _ \- you didn’t mention that in the last message

_ Stan _ \- what the fuck richie 

_ Bev _ \- it’s pink and purple and blue

_ Bill _ \- nice

_ Bill _ \- is eddie wearing a rainbow one

_ Bev _ \- no but I’m pretty sure his socks are rainbow

_ Bev _ \- I wasn’t looking but I saw a flash 

_ Stan _ \- Okay but that’s cute

_ Bev _ \- they’re talking about school lol

_ Mike _ \- how boring 

_ Bev _ \- Richie got a detention in history 

_ Ben _ \- oh yeah he did

_ Ben _ \- talking back like ten times

_ Bev _ \- eddie is just laughing at Richie complaining about the teacher

_ Mike _ \- true love

_ Bev _ \- They’re talking about re-decorating richie’s room

_ Bev _ \- okay but richie just called it our room

_ Bev _ \- and then in the next sentence called it his room

_ Bev _ \- which is it bitch??

_ Mike _ \- a slip up

_ Bill _ \- did eddie say anything about it

_ Bev _ \- not that i heard

_ Bev _ \- oh my garlic bread is here

_ Stan _ \- it is good but v expensive 

_ Bev _ \- yeah i'm only getting garlic bread lol

_ Bev _ \- apparently our friends are big spenders because they’re ordering meals as well

_ Mike _ \- it is their first date

_ Bev _ \- yeah 

_ Bev _ \- but i 

_ Bev _ \- they’re not ever acting any differently? 

_ Bill _ \- they are best friends

_ Bev _ \- I know but they’re the same way. Like, be a little bit more coupley~

_ Mike _ \- What do you mean?

_ Bev _ \- Richie is still making dumb jokes and eddie’s being the little shit that he is

_ Ben _ \- that’s good

_ Ben _ \- they like each other 

_ Mike _ \- true

_ Mike _ \- they’re comfortable 

_ Bev _ \- they’re literally just talking about school

_ Bev _ \- i did not need to come and spend so much money on garlic bread to watch them act like they act at the club house

_ Mike _ \- lol

_ Mike _ \- are they actually just talking about school? 

_ Bev _ \- college. Eddie wants to go to NY but Richie wants to go LA

_ Stan _ \- drama

_ Bev _ \- Lmao okay they’re doing heads and tails to decide 

_ Bill _ \- that is so them 

_ Bev _ \- LA

_ Bev _ \- eddie doesn’t look that upset tho

_ Stan _ \- I always pictured Richie living in LA

_ Bill _ \- same

_ Bev _ \- their food just arrived and holy shit it looks so good

_ Bev _ \- my waiter is glaring at me

_ Bev _ \- I had to order more food 

_ Bill _ \- lol

_ Bill _ \- f

_ Mike _ \- what are they talking about now?

_ Bev _ \- the ocean 

_ Ben _ \- in a romantic way?

_ Bev _ \- eddie’s listing all the diseases it could carry

_ Bev _ \- okay but Richie looks like he’s in love

_ Stan _ \- I can’t stand them

_ Bev _ \- whatever

_ Bill _ \- you loooooove them

_ Stan _ \- hardly

_ Stan _ \- what are they doing now?

_ Bev _ \- lmao eating

_ Bev _ \- this is getting boring

_ Bev _ \- and i feel like a creep

_ Stan _ \- you should

_ Mike _ \- not

_ Bev _ \- they’ve stopped talking to eat

_ Bev _ \- nothing is happening 

_ Bev _ \- ohhh okay apparently Eddie thinks we’re being weird but he can’t figure out why. Rich said he thinks it because we all think they like each other. 

_ Bev _ \- both of their alarms just went??

_ Mike _ \- at the same time?

_ Bev _ \- yeah, 7:50

_ Bill _ \- ????

_ Bev _ \- They’re both smiling. I think the time means something because they look very happy

_ Ben _ \- does anyone know what it means? 

_ Mike _ \- no idea

_ Stan _ \- no clue

_ Bill _ \- they never told me anything

_ Bev _ \- RICHIE KISSED EDDIES HAND 

_ Bev _ \- NOT A DRILL NOT A FUCKING DRILL 

_ Mike _ \- oh shittttttt

_ Ben _ \- wow

_ Stan _ \- wasn’t expecting him to make a move tbh

_ Bill _ \- I think I’m in shook

_ Bill _ \- what did eddie do

_ Mike _ \- omg they kissed!!!!!

_ Bev _ \- I can’t see him but they’re holding hands still 

_ Bill _ \- I’m amazed

_ Stan _ \- we’re onto stage 5 then! We skipped 3 and 4

_ Mike _ \- shit we did

_ Bev _ \- we should have known richie and eddie are so weird

_ Mike _ \- they were never going to follow the plan, where they? 

_ Bev _ \- no

_ Bev _ \- but at least this happened

_ Bev _ \- FUCK I AM FREAKING OUT

_ Bev _ \- okay hang on I just got kicked out of the restaurant 

_ Stan _ \- lol what?

_ Mike _ \- oh that’s funny

_ Ben _ \- They kissed I Can’t

_ Bill _ \- when will reddie happen? 

_ Bill _ \- tonight apparently!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are 20 chapters now. Everything will be explained after chapter 10.


	8. Chapter 1: The ‘Ben is the best and we all love him (also Richie is dumb but we love him too)’ Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Benzo _ \- Omg Bill I am so sorry I just killed you in the sims

_ Benzo _ \- I’m such a bad friend

_ Benzo _ \- I am so sorry

_ billy bill bill  _ \- all good, ben, I don’t mind!

_ tHOzier _ \- you play sims

_ tHOzier _ \- with us

_ Benzo _ \- yes

_ billy bill bill  _ \- how are you literally the best person in the world?

_ tHOzier _ \- isn’t he?

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Mike as well

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Ben and Mike

_ billy bill bill  _ \- Ben and Mike

_ tHOzier _ \- Ben and Mike

_ Spaghetti _ \- Ben and Mike

_ bad bitch _ \- Ben and Mike

_ Mikey Moo _ \- what is happening

_ tHOzier _ \- celebrating the best of the losers

_ Spaghetti _ \- wait am I in your sims game?

_ Benzo _ \- yeah everyone is

_ Benzo _ \- we’re a family

_ bad bitch _ \- i am dating the best person in the world

_ Benzo _ \- oh 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- wait, I thought I almost died in that game?

_ Benzo _ \- yeah but Stan saved you

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- you’re welcome. 

_ tHOzier _ \- literally i love you

_ tHOzier _ \- if you weren’t dating Bev and Eddie wasn’t madly in love with me I’d do you

_ Spaghetti _ \- what the fuck Richie

_ bad bitch _ \- tough luck I called dibs on Ben

**Proud Mother of a couple of Dumbass Kids  
** _ Bev, Eddie, Richie _

_ Bitch _ \- Hey

_ Bitch _ \- mayhaps some help 

_ Rascal _ \- mayhaps

_ Evil _ \- what’s up

_ Rascal _ \- she mayhaps needs some help

_ Evil _ \- stop saying mayhaps 

_ Rascal _ \- mayhaps

_ Evil _ \- shut up

_ Bitch _ \- my god 

_ Bitch _ \- can i stay at yours tonight? 

_ Evil _ \- yes

_ Evil _ \- girls night, we’ll kick Richie out

_ Rascal _ \- it’s my house????

_ Evil _ \- I can’t bitch about you when you’re there

_ Rascal _ \- that’s all you do

_ Bitch _ \- omg. Can I stay over?

_ Rascal _ \- yes you can but I’m not giving up my room

_ Rascal _ \- Eddie you can stay in YOUR room

_ Evil _ \- you can stay in my room and Bev and I will be in yours 

_ Bitch _ \- maybe I’ll just ask Stan

_ Rascal _ \- no come over

_ Evil _ \- best behaviour 

_ Rascal _ \- we’ll physically fight before you come so it’s out of our systems

_ Bitch _ \- please you could never hurt eddie

_ Rascal _ \- bet

_ Evil _ \- fuck you. 

_ Evil _ \- he pushed me off the bed

_ Bitch _ \- I’m going to Stan’s house

_ Rascal _ \- noooo come over

_ Rascal _ \- I want you to do my nails again

_ Evil _ \- oh shit me to!

_ Bitch _ \- Okay! Be there in ten

_ Rascal _ \- awesome

_ Rascal _ \- oh bring the hot pink colour 

_ Rascal _ \- eds is wearing a pink jumper and I want him to match 

_ Evil _ \- bring the baby blue one for richie

_ Rascal _ \- I like that colour tho 

_ Evil _ \- fuck off

_ Rascal _ \- awww

_ Rascal _ \- cute! cute! cute!

_ Bitch _ \- okay I’m going to Stan’s now

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ bad bitch _ \- what’s worse? Richie and Eddie flirting or fighting? 

_ Stanny the Manny  _ \- flirting

_ billy bill bill  _ \- flirting

_ Mikey Moo  _ \- flirting

_ Benzo  _ \- flirting

_ tHOzier _ \- :/

_ Spaghetti _ \- fuck off

_ billy bill bill  _ \- eddie’s like 4’4 physically but carries the same amount of anger as a 8ft man.

_ Spaghetti _ \- fuck you

_ tHOzier _ \- eds is tiny

_ tHOzier _ \- but is still like

_ tHOzier _ \- (ง'̀-'́)ง

_ Spaghetti _ \- okay fuck all of you

_ Benzo _ \- Sims update, Richie and Eddie got a cat

_ tHOzier _ \- what kind

_ Benzo _ \- white

_ tHOzier _ \- omg cute

_ tHOzier _ \- what’s its name

_ Benzo _ \- you can name her

_ tHOzier _ \- Toto

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s a dog name

_ Spaghetti _ \- oh

_ Spaghetti _ \- haha okay 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- what?

_ tHOzier _ \- nothing

_ tHOzier _ \- what’s Stan up to in the sims? 

_ Benzo _ \- He just reached level six of piano! 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Make him the best in everything

_ tHOzier _ \- we don’t want him to be that different 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- shut up

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- your sim is funny so you can’t talk

_ tHOzier _ \- eds thinks I’m funny. 

_ Spaghetti _ \- no i don’t

_ Benzo _ \- oh no

_ Benzo _ \- Mike flooded the bathroom because he was taking selfies 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- Mini Mike! 

_ Benzo _ \- Bev saved the house

_ bad bitch _ \- of course I did. 

_ tHOzier _ \- is Bill back yet?

_ Benzo _ \- yeah but he’s a baby so 

_ bad bitch _ \- who’s kid? 

_ Benzo _ \- Richie and Eddie adopted him yesterday 

_ Spaghetti _ \- are we a couple in your sims game? 

_ Benzo _ \- married. 

_ Benzo _ \- i didn’t make you one. It just happened. 

_ tHOzier _ \- omg we’re parents eds

_ Spaghetti _ \- don’t call me that

_ Spaghetti _ \- Bill’s our baby

_ tHOzier _ \- @billy come say hi to your daddies

_ Spaghetti _ \- gross

_ billy bill bill  _ \- no and fuck you. 

_ tHOzier _ \- i’ve got such nice friends

_ billy bill bill  _ \- die

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Rich  _ \- HE IS WEARING MY JUMPER

_ Stan  _ \- 1: eddie always wears your clothes

_ Stan  _ \- 2: leave me alone

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- ‘sup fuckers, who’s ready to sin?

_ billy bill bill  _ \- that’s a bad word. 

_ tHOzier _ \- uhhh okay? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you shouldn’t say bad words 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why do you capitals in your name? 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Georgie? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- stan ?

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Yeah, it’s me. And you were just talking to Richie. 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- richie said a bad word

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- he’s naughty like that

_ billy bill bill  _ \- who is eddie ?

_ Spaghetti _ \- me! 

_ Spaghetti _ \- hey Georgie 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why spageti

_ Spaghetti _ \- Richie calls me it as a joke 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- ha ha

_ bad bitch changed her name to Bev <3 _

_ Bev <3 _ \- Hey baby!!

_ billy bill bill  _ \- Bevvy ! Bad word ! 

_ Bev <3 _ \- whoops

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- older kids can say bad words sometimes, GG. But you can’t yet. 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- i can’t wait to be older !!

_ Spaghetti _ \- we’re going to be best friends, aren’t we? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- yes !

_ tHOzier _ \- hey Baby G! 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- hi richie !

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I stole Bill’s phone

_ tHOzier _ \- where is Bill? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- ST 

_ Bev <3 _ \- ST?

_ Spaghetti _ \- speech therapist 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I can't spell that

_ tHOzier _ \- neither can eddie, he asked siri how to

_ tHOzier _ \- gasp! Baby G, eds stuck his tongue out at me! 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- oh ! That’s naughty. 

_ tHOzier _ \- I know! What should I do? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I don’t no

_ Spaghetti _ \- I was just messing around, don’t worry. 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- bill is coming back 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- im going to run away 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- bye !

_ Spaghetti _ \- see ya

_ tHOzier _ \- catch you later, Baby G!

_ billy bill bill  _ \- You guys are fucking weird

_ tHOzier _ \- either bill’s back or Baby G is about to have time out

_ billy bill bill  _ \- it’s me

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why were you talking to him

_ Spaghetti _ \- your brother is awesome. 

_ Bev <3 changed her name to bad bitch _

_ bad bitch _ \- and i'm back

_ tHOzier _ \- the difference between ‘Bev love heart’ and ‘bad bitch’ 

_ bad bitch _ \- he was calling people out

_ billy bill bill  _ \- he called you all out in person as well

_ tHOzier _ \- tell him to stop snitching 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- no. 

_ Benzo _ \- Bill’s a toddler! 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- what?

_ Benzo _ \- in the sims i mean

_ Benzo _ \- and he’s creative. Eddie bought him an art station.

_ tHOzier _ \- omg eds we’re such good dads

_ Spaghetti _ \- fostering his creativity from a young age! 

_ tHOzier _ \- you’re welcome bill

_ billy bill bill  _ \- piss off

_ Benzo _ \- ohhhhh no

_ Spaghetti _ \- ??

_ Benzo _ \- Stan died

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- how?

_ Benzo _ \- I don’t know 

_ Benzo _ \- you just did

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- bring me back! 

_ tHOzier _ \- Stan is into the game

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- shut up

_ Benzo _ \- Bev’s pregnant so that can be Stan

_ tHOzier _ \- if it’s a girl call her Stanerella 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- no.

_ Benzo _ \- give me a second

_ Benzo _ \- Congrats Stan, you were just born! 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- nice

_ bad bitch _ \- omg! I’m a mom

_ tHOzier _ \- our group chat name is becoming real 

_ bad bitch _ \- oh shit

_ Spaghetti _ \- you guys are such losers

_ tHOzier _ \- that’s the whole point eds

_ tHOzier _ \- besides, you love us. 

_ bad bitch _ \- and suddenly eds is silent. Interesting. 

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bill _ \- uhhhhhh guys

_ Stan _ \- what’s up?

_ Bill _ \- I just saw Richie at the movies 

_ Stan _ \- okay? 

_ Bill _ \- he was with a girl? 

_ Bev _ \- a girl? 

_ Mike _ \- did you recognise her? 

_ Bill _ \- so at first I didn't but I lowkey doubled back and they were still there

_ Bill _ \- she’s in his bio class. I remember her because she asked for homework help once when I was standing beside him. 

_ Mike _ \- and now they’re at the movies 

_ Ben _ \- let’s not jump to conclusions 

_ Ben _ \- friends hang out

_ Stan _ \- Richie having friends outside of us? 

_ Ben _ \- who knows maybe he does 

_ Bill _ \- fuck it

_ Bill _ \- hang on im sneaking into the cinema 

_ Stan _ \- Bill don’t do that

_ Bev _ \- do it bill 

_ Bill _ \- okay they’re seeing that new rom-com

_ Stan _ \- richie hates romcoms 

_ Bill _ \- it sounds like it was her choice 

_ Bill _ \- why can’t i remember her name? 

_ Ben _ \- Ava? 

_ Bill _ \- No

_ Ben _ \- Madison? 

_ Bill _ \- yes! 

_ Stan _ \- ohhhhhh nooooooooo

_ Bev _ \- didn’t expect that message from Stan

_ Stan _ \- she has a crush on Richie 

_ Bev _ \- why would anyone have a crush on richie lmao 

_ Bev _ \- kidding 

_ Bev _ \- wait

_ Bev _ \- shit

_ Bill _ \- when the jokes so fire that you forget about the situation™ 

_ Bev _ \- ^^

_ Mike _ \- is richie on a date? 

_ Bev _ \- i mean he is bi so 

_ Mike _ \- yeah but he’s in love with eddie 

_ Mike _ \- and it’s very clear that he is

_ Bev _ \- im freaking out

_ Stan _ \- same 

_ Stan _ \- this is dumb

_ Stan _ \- but im panicking 

_ Bev _ \- Bill give is an update 

_ Bill _ \- richie brought her popcorn 

_ Stan _ \- what?

_ Bev _ \- richie refuses to buy me popcorn

_ Stan _ \- he buys eddie popcorn 

_ Mike _ \- oh no

_ Ben _ \- guys

_ Ben _ \- let’s chill out for a second okay!

_ Ben _ \- we need to figure it out first before we panic and do something dumb like with eddie coming out. There’s gonna be an explantation 

_ Stan _ \- Ben coming in with a save 

_ Bev _ \- That’s my Boyfriend! 

_ Mike _ \- you're right 

_ Ben _ \- okay

_ Ben _ \- who’s seen Richie interact with Madison in the last few days 

_ Mike _ \- they were talking and smiling after class on Thursday. 

_ Ben _ \- was eddie there? 

_ Mike _ \- no. When Richie saw me he stopped talking real fast and came over

_ Mike _ \- he’s weird i didn’t think anything of it 

_ Stan _ \- true

_ Stan _ \- he’s not been that much different to me tho 

_ Stan _ \- he still talks about eddie 

_ Bill _ \- they’re sitting in the cinema together like real close and are sharing the popcorn 

_ Bev _ \- what are we going to do 

_ Ben _ \- nothing until the movie is over. Let’s just see what happens. 

_ Bill _ \- okay the movie just finished. They left and were smiling and laughing. They got into Richie’s car. 

_ Bill _ \- I couldn't hear anything they were saying but they looked happy? 

_ Mike _ \- maybe they were just hanging out as friends 

_ Bev _ \- yeah that’s got to be it

_ Bev _ \- okay i can’t be calm im messaging richie 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Bev_ **

_ Bev  _ \- hey you free

_ Rich _ \- i just got home why 

_ Bev  _ \- wondering what you and eddie are doing? 

_ Rich _ \- idk what eddie’s doing and I went to the movies

_ Bev  _ \- alone? lol

_ Rich _ \- i went on a date

_ Bev  _ \- with someone other than eddie?

_ Bev  _ \- you two just went on a date???????

_ Rich _ \- yeah 

_ Rich _ \- well 

_ Bev  _ \- what happened

_ Rich _ \- nothing 

_ Rich _ \- and I can get dates with other people just so you know 

_ Bev  _ \- I didn’t say you couldn’t 

_ Rich _ \- whatever

_ Rich _ \- do you still want to do anything? Eddie’s awake 

_ Bev  _ \- nah

_ Bev  _ \- it’s all good. 

_ Rich _ \- you’re weird red

_ Bev  _ \- says Richie. 

_ Rich _ \- touche 

_ Rich _ \- see you tomorrow then? 

_ Bev  _ \- yep! 

_ Rich _ \- you’re so annoying. I’m not going back out with Madison if that’s what you’re wondering. We didn’t really work 

_ Bev  _ \- it’s because you’re made to be with eddie 

_ Rich _ \- not tonight red

_ Bev  _ \- rich?

_ Rich _ \- see you tomorrow red

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- they’re useless gays 

_ Stan _ \- yeah, we knew that

_ Bev _ \- bad they’re Sad Useless Gays

_ Stan _ \- we knew that to


	9. Chapter 1: The ‘Bev loves her friends even tho they’re idiots’ Part

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Bev_ **

_ Rich  _ \- Bev how is he so cute

_ Bev _ \- lmao i thought you were with madison now 

_ Rich  _ \- that may have been a distraction or something

_ Rich  _ \- idk eddie and i got weird and I decided that was the best course of action 

_ Bev _ \- how the hell is that the best course of action

_ Rich  _ \- she asked and i panicked

_ Rich  _ \- if it makes you feel better eds finds it kinda funny 

_ Bev _ \- doubtful

_ Rich  _ \- bev

_ Rich  _ \- let me live

_ Bev _ \- yeah yeah, I’ll lie and say Eddie isn’t madly in love with you

_ Rich  _ \- okay thanks

_ Rich  _ \- anyway, bev he is so fucking cute 

_ Bev _ \- country boi, I love you

_ Rich  _ \- Bev be serious 

_ Rich  _ \- he’s to cute

_ Bev _ \- country boi, I love you.

_ Rich  _ \- Bev!!!!!

_ Rich  _ \- you’re no help

_ Bev _ \- make out with him or leave me alone

_ Rich  _ \- do you want me to die alone?

_ Bev _ \- go and annoy Stan pls

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich and Stan_ **

_ Rich  _ \- bro

_ Rich  _ \- bromo

_ Rich  _ \- broski 

_ Rich  _ \- brosicle 

_ Rich  _ \- broseph 

_ Rich  _ \- brocycle 

_ Rich  _ \- brotastic

_ Rich  _ \- bromosexual

_ Stan _ \- what the fuck do you want

_ Rich  _ \- I have a secret 

_ Stan _ \- I have no idea what it might be. 

_ Rich  _ \- don’t be sarcastic. I’m having a bi crisis 

_ Stan _ \- your life is a bi crisis. 

_ Rich  _ \- true but STAN he smiled at me 

_ Rich  _ \- SMILED

_ Rich  _ \- stan listen to me 

_ Rich  _ \- STAN HE SMILED AT ME AND HIS EYES GOT ALL CRINKLY AND HE NOSE SCRUNCHED UP 

_ Rich  _ \- STAN I MADE HIM LAUGH WITH A DUMB JOKE 

_ Rich  _ \- Stan, I am having a panic and you’re not responding to me. 

_ Stan _ \- it’s because you’re an idiot 

_ Rich  _ \- Literally, when I see him it’s like the sun has come out for the first time in years. 

_ Stan _ \- Shakespear would be so proud of you.

_ Stan _ \- I’d assume. I don’t know him. 

_ Rich  _ \- okay but that was funny

_ Rich  _ \- who knew you had it in you

_ Stan _ \- oh fuck off. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- We have a problem

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- knowing you, it’s your fault

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you have a problem. I have an idiot as a friend

_ Benzo  _ \- gosh, who would have thought you’d have a problem

_ bad bitch _ \- would the problem be solved if we faked your death, if not I’m out

_ Mikey Moo _ \- like any other friday then

_ tHOzier _ \- you guys are all mean 

_ tHOzier _ \- my heart is broken 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- good

_ billy bill bill  _ \- good

_ bad bitch _ \- good

_ tHOzier _ \- why are Ben and Mike the only people in this chat? 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- what happened? 

_ Benzo  _ \- and where’s eddie

_ tHOzier _ \- that’s the problem

_ bad bitch _ \- did you kill eddie

_ billy bill bill  _ \- i’m not helping you hide the body

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- yeah you’re on your own

_ tHOzier _ \- why would I kill eds????????

_ Mikey Moo _ \- he called you out

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- didn’t laugh at a dumb joke

_ Benzo  _ \- an accident? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- sexual tension

_ bad bitch _ \- sexual tension

_ billy bill bill  _ \- jinx!

_ bad bitch _ \- jinx!

_ billy bill bill  _ \- nice. 

_ bad bitch _ \- nice.

_ tHOzier _ \- no shut up 

_ tHOzier _ \- i’ve actually got a problem

_ Benzo  _ \- okay, what is it? 

_ tHOzier _ \- so like 

_ tHOzier _ \- you know how I sneak into eddie’s room 

_ tHOzier _ \- or used to because he’s with me now

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- yeah

_ Mikey Moo _ \- did mrs K find out

_ tHOzier _ \- no.

_ tHOzier _ \- so eddie needed something from his room but he didn’t want to see him mom so like I suggested that I could sneak in, grab it and then sneak out again because I am a really good friend. Mrs K would have no idea and eds would get his thing. Sounds good right??????? Easy and I do it all the time when i go and see mrs K for the night ;) lmao anyway the window broke

_ billy bill bill  _ \- are you

_ billy bill bill  _ \- stuck 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- in eddie’s room

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- fucking what

_ bad bitch _ \- no

_ bad bitch _ \- this is so fucking good

_ Benzo  _ \- are you actually stuck?

_ Mikey Moo _ \- go out the front door

_ tHOzier _ \- that’s the thing. Mrs K is in the living room. No way I’m leaving without her seeing me. So like. 

_ tHOzier _ \- I am stuck here. 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- what are you going to do?

_ tHOzier _ \- play flappy bird until mrs k goes to bed?

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- you still have flappy bird

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- it’s 2019

_ tHOzier _ \- we’ve got bigger problems than that! 

_ Benzo  _ \- like the fact that it’s ten in the morning? 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- are we going to have to save richie 

_ Benzo  _ \- I could get the window open?

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- eddie’s room is upstairs 

_ Benzo  _ \- maybe not 

_ Benzo  _ \- i’d need a ladder

_ Mikey Moo _ \- I always wondered how riche got up there

_ bad bitch _ \- he climbs up the tree and then shimmies over along the gutter. Eddie leaves his window open so Richie can kick it open from there

_ Mikey Moo _ \- that’s lowkey impressive 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- where is eddie tho

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- richie actually did kill him 

_ bad bitch _ \- richie is in love how’d he do that

_ billy bill bill  _ \- maybe he actually snapped because of the sexual tension 

_ bad bitch _ \- nah, that’ll happen in about a year 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- are we counting down until richie snaps

_ bad bitch _ \- just planning ahead

_ Benzo  _ \- you scare me

_ bad bitch _ \- good

_ billy bill bill  _ \- okay but richie’s gone as well 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- oh shit Mrs K got him

_ tHOzier _ \- SHE CAME INTO THE ROOM

_ tHOzier _ \- I HAD TO HIDE IN THE CLOSET 

_ bad bitch _ \- lmaoooooooo nice

_ tHOzier _ \- no

_ tHOzier _ \- i hate the closet 

_ tHOzier _ \- ;)

_ bad bitch _ \- gay 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- is she still in the room 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- do we have to come and save you 

_ Benzo  _ \- we will

_ tHOzier _ \- she’s left, no i'm fine but thanks

_ billy bill bill  _ \- why was she in the room

_ tHOzier _ \- well like I laughed out loud so 

_ tHOzier _ \- funny video and stuff 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- no fuck you. You’re on your own

_ tHOzier _ \- the front door just opened??? Who’s here

_ billy bill bill  _ \- did mrs K leave

_ Mikey Moo _ \- run

_ Benzo  _ \- but sneakily 

_ tHOzier _ \- im out

_ tHOzier _ \- mrs k was in the house still 

_ tHOzier _ \- but she didn’t see me 

_ tHOzier _ \- im freeeeeeeeeeee 

_ Benzo  _ \- wow

_ billy bill bill  _ \- k but where’s eddie 

_ tHOzier _ \- why would I know lol

_ Mikey Moo _ \- richie

_ bad bitch _ \- richie

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- richie

_ Benzo  _ \- richie 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- richie

_ tHOzier _ \- he’s sleeping in my bed

_ bad bitch _ \- gross

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- gross 

_ Benzo  _ \- cute! 

_ tHOzier _ \- he is cute

_ tHOzier _ \- Cute! Cute! Cute! 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- gross

_ Mikey Moo _ \- im on the fence

_ Mikey Moo _ \- kinda cute but kinda gross 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- just gross 

_ tHOzier _ \- you guys just hate love 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- shut up

_ bad bitch _ \- shut up

_ billy bill bill  _ \- shut up

_ Benzo  _ \- shut up 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- shut up

_ tHOzier _ \- rude. 

_ Spaghetti _ \- omg

_ Spaghetti _ \- are you serious

_ Spaghetti _ \- did you get stuck in my house 

_ tHOzier _ \- pasta

_ tHOzier _ \- help 

_ tHOzier _ \- our friends are being mean

_ Spaghetti _ \- did you get stuck in my house 

_ tHOzier _ \- yes

_ Spaghetti _ \- i am never going to forget this

_ tHOzier _ \- and I am never going to be nice to you again

_ billy bill bill  _ \- eddie didn’t complain about the nickname

_ bad bitch _ \- he’s been body snatched 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- oh no

_ tHOzier _ \- or he just likes my nickname

_ Spaghetti _ \- no 

_ tHOzier _ \- :/

_ tHOzier _ \- whatever. I’m keeping this

_ Spaghetti _ \- i love your nickname 

_ tHOzier _ \- love you too eds! 

_ Spaghetti _ \- nvm you can keep it 

_ bad bitch _ \- what the fuck are you talking about 

_ tHOzier _ \- I can explain but it is extremely sexual and rather graphic 

_ Spaghetti _ \- RICHIE

_ bad bitch _ \- please don’t

_ bad bitch _ \- I don’t want that

_ tHOzier _ \- nvm then

_ bad bitch _ \- thank fuck 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich_ ** ** and ** ** _Eds_ **

_ Rich _ \- are you in the bathroom with the lights off right now? 

_ Eds _ \- why do you care

_ Eds _ \- leave me alone

_ Rich _ \- wtf

_ Rich _ \- why are you like this

_ Eds _ \- let me live

_ Rich _ \- no

_ Eds _ \- why are you like this

_ Rich _ \- don’t steal my jokes

_ Eds _ \- you always steal my jokes

_ Rich _ \- id never

_ Rich _ \- when i'm famous im gonna write all my own jokes. None of that ghost writer shit

_ Eds _ \- oh?

_ Rich _ \- maybe i’ll take yours

_ Eds _ \- and i will call you out on it 

_ Rich _ \- im sure you will 

_ Rich _ \- my sugar baby who’s really mean

_ Eds _ \- i'm not going to be your sugar baby

_ Rich _ \- that’s what you think

_ Eds _ \- why would i be your sugar baby

_ Rich _ \- because you’re cute

_ Eds _ \- well you better be rich as shit because I am high class

_ Rich _ \- why are you still in the bathroom

_ Rich _ \- are you shitting

_ Eds _ \- please shut up

_ Rich _ \- pls hurry up

**Proud Mother of a couple of Dumbass Kids  
** _ Bev, Eddie, Richie _

_ Rascal _ \- question

_ Bitch _ \- answer

_ Rascal _ \- this is why we’re best friends

_ Rascal _ \- don’t tell stan or eddie

_ Evil _ \- im in this group

_ Bitch _ \- lmao and i told stan

_ Rascal _ \- i'm sure he’s devastated

_ Bitch _ \- he is not

_ Evil _ \- im not surprised at that

_ Bitch _ \- lmao same

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ tHOzier _ \- friendship has ended with Bev, Eddie and Stan. I’m best friends with Mike now. 

**Proud Mother of a couple of Dumbass Kids  
** _ Bev, Eddie, Richie _

_ Rascal _ \- how do you all feel about THAT

_ Evil _ \- it means literally nothing to me

_ Bitch _ \- why are you two like this

_ Bitch _ \- what’s your question 

_ Rascal _ \- what would happen if I Stole a Cat?

_ Evil _ \- what

_ Bitch _ \- did you steal a cat?

_ Evil _ \- richie what the fuck

_ Rascal _ \- i kinda stole it

_ Bitch _ \- how do you kinda steal something 

_ Rascal _ \- it was in our garden so i suggested that it could come into the house 

_ Evil _ \- I've been gone for half an hour

_ Evil _ \- suggested? It’s a cat. 

_ Bitch _ \- can i come and pet it?

_ Evil _ \- no we’re getting rid of the cat

_ Rascal _ \- i don’t want to get rid of the cat 

_ Evil _ \- we are not keeping it

_ Evil _ \- i am not going to jail 

_ Bitch _ \- can i come and pet it????

_ Rascal _ \- yes

_ Rascal _ \- absolutely 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Eddie and Bill_ **

_ Eddie _ \- I am attracted to an idiot 

_ Bill _ \- i am aware

_ Eddie _ \- like a full idiot 

_ Bill _ \- what did he do this time 

_ Eddie _ \- stole a cat

_ Bill _ \- what?

_ Eddie _ \- yeah 

_ Bill _ \- i'm coming over to pet it

_ Eddie _ \- omg you’re as bad as bev

_ Bill _ \- rude

_ Bill _ \- is it a cute cat

_ Eddie _ \- yes

_ Eddie _ \- but that’s not the point 

_ Bill _ \- ill be there in like ten minutes

_ Bill _ \- don’t let the cat go

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Spaghetti _ \- friendship has ended with Bev, Richie and Bill. I’m best friends with Ben now. 

**Private Message Between ** ** _Rich_ ** ** and ** ** _Eds_ **

_ Rich _ \- joke stealer

_ Eds _ \- fuck you 

_ Eds _ \- its already a meme 

_ Rich _ \- teasing you is so fun

_ Eds _ \- i hope the cat scratches you 

_ Rich _ \- it already has

_ Eds _ \- scratches your face

_ Rich _ \- my oscar winner

_ Eds _ \- oh fuck you 

**Proud Mother of a couple of Dumbass Kids  
** _ Bev, Eddie, Richie _

_ Evil _ \- is the cat still there

_ Bitch _ \- yes

_ Bitch _ \- and so am i 

_ Evil _ \- i only care about ben

_ Rascal _ \- do you want to break my heart

_ Evil _ \- yes

_ Rascal _ \- you’ve done it

_ Rascal _ \- im going to go sob in mrs k’s flabby arms 

_ Evil _ \- shut up 

_ Evil _ \- literally i hate you 

_ Bitch _ \- boys 

_ Bitch _ \- both of you can shut up

_ Bitch _ \- or go to your private chat

_ Rascal _ \- bev why are you sensible rn 

_ Rascal _ \- let me fight with my bf

_ Evil _ \- fuck off

_ Bitch _ \- being the mother of this cat has made me an adultTM

_ Rascal _ \- oh shit am i about to become responsible? 

_ Evil _ \- are you and Bev parenting this cat? 

_ Bitch _ \- yes

_ Rascal _ \- yeah

_ Evil _ \- you’re weird 

_ Bitch _ \- yes and you’re cute

_ Rascal _ \- stop calling my bf eds cute

_ Evil _ \- stop calling me that 

_ Bitch _ \- ;)

_ Evil _ \- I don’t know what’s that in relation to 

_ Rascal _ \- awwwwwwwwwww 

_ Evil _ \- ?

_ Bitch _ \- the owner of the cat came 

_ Evil _ \- did they take the cat

_ Bitch _ \- yeah

_ Evil _ \- good. Now i can come home

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bev _ \- fun fact: eddie calls Richie’s house home

_ Bev _ \- they’re cute

_ Bev _ \- i love them

_ Bev _ \- my babies. 

_ Stan _ \- lol

_ Bill  _ \- stan used text speak again

_ Stan _ \- leave me alone

_ Bev _ \- boy’s im having a moment

_ Bill  _ \- right

_ Ben _ \- that is cute bev

_ Bev _ \- i know

_ Mike _ \- did richie adopt a cat?

_ Mike _ \- he sent me a whole lot of snapchats

_ Bev _ \- he stole it 

_ Bev _ \- but that’s over and now I’m talking about eddie 

_ Mike _ \- we’re moving past the stealing cat thing?

_ Bev _ \- yeah

_ Mike _ \- okay

_ Bev _ \- straight up. 

_ Bev _ \- They’re cute and I love them.


	10. Chapter 1:  The ‘Stan can’t deal with his friends’ Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- Richie has a ticktok account 

_ tHOzier _ \- Richie has a successful* ticktok account

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- why do you have one

_ tHOzier _ \- because I am funny

_ Spaghetti _ \- :/

_ tHOzier _ \- because we’re funny

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- wait 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- is it a

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- joint account???

_ tHOzier _ \- RichieandhisSpaghetti

_ tHOzier _ \- take a wild guess

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- i thought you were making fun of eddie

_ tHOzier _ \- always but not this time

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- im in some of the videos?????

_ Spaghetti _ \- he filmed me sleeping once

_ tHOzier _ \- it’s popular tho

_ billy bill bill  _ \- wait stan why were you on ticktok tho

_ tHOzier _ \- oh shit

_ Spaghetti _ \- lmao 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- I was on instagram and saw a ticktock of Richie and Eddie

_ tHOzier _ \- which one????

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- so I went to see it on the app

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- oh you and eddie were sitting at a table and you were asking for a pet lion. Eddie kept saying no and you said ‘that’s a dream of mine, you know that. I come with a lion’ and then Eddie threw his water bottle at your head

_ Spaghetti _ \- Maggie was angry that we got her curtains wet

_ tHOzier _ \- that was a good one 

_ tHOzier _ \- it was unscripted

_ Spaghetti _ \- we had just filmed another one and richie left the camera on by accident 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- what the fuck you two

_ tHOzier _ \- very popular ticktok 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- oh god we’re friends with ticktokers

_ tHOzier _ \- as stated, you guys are in lots of them

_ billy bill bill  _ \- is that why you’ve started filming us? 

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah

_ Spaghetti _ \- yes

_ billy bill bill  _ \- omg

_ Benzo  _ \- wait how successful is your account? 

_ tHOzier _ \- 50k followers babe

_ bad bitch _ \- stop flirting with my bf

_ tHOzier _ \- no

_ tHOzier _ \- im tryna impress him with my amazing ticktok skills 

_ bad bitch _ \- go back to flirting with eddie

_ Spaghetti _ \- i don’t want that

_ tHOzier _ \- oh please

_ Spaghetti _ \- you’re flirting is terrible 

_ tHOzier _ \- no it isn’t! 

_ Spaghetti _ \- you tried to flirt with our waitress the other week and it was sad to watch

_ tHOzier _ \- because she was so into me and you had to witness the love of your life flirt with someone else

_ Spaghetti _ \- love of my life?

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah

_ tHOzier _ \- duh 

_ Spaghetti _ \- why are you so dense? 

_ tHOzier _ \- only where it counts babey

_ Spaghetti _ \- no you’re just an idiot 

_ bad bitch _ \- fuck

_ bad bitch _ \- forget I suggested that you two flirt

_ billy bill bill  _ \- this is sad

_ tHOzier _ \- my flirting skills are amazing

_ Benzo  _ \- not really

_ tHOzier _ \- ben you were about a minute from jumping ship 

_ tHOzier _ \- sorry bev

_ bad bitch _ \- im not worried

_ Benzo  _ \- I wasn’t

_ tHOzier _ \- Benny I need you to stick up for me rn

_ Benzo  _ \- no thanks

_ Spaghetti _ \- it’s ‘cause you can’t flirt

_ tHOzier _ \- shut up eds

_ Spaghetti _ \- that’s not my name

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- THERES A TICKTOK OF YOU TWO KISSING

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- WTF

_ tHOzier _ \- mmm is there?

_ Spaghetti _ \- I don’t think so?

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- you two kissed!!

_ Benzo  _ \- what’s the video 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- it’s about gay rights

_ tHOzier _ \- it’s about homophobia 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- “I'm only coming out to you guys, and also all of ticktok”

_ Spaghetti _ \- no one in Derry has an account 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- how do you know that

_ tHOzier _ \- eddie has a twin brother 

_ bad bitch _ \- lmao the video is pretty funny tho

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I refuse to get the app please tell me what happens

_ tHOzier _ \- it is a good one

_ tHOzier _ \- a lot of likes

_ bad bitch _ \- there’s a video playing on a laptop of an anti-gay pastor and Eddie is watching and nodding along. Richie looks over at him and is like ‘eds, baby, you’re gay’. Eddie’s all blushing and says ‘no i'm not’ basically what he used to say to us. Then Richie points at Eddie’s booty shorts and rainbow socks. Eddie looks surprised and they just fucking make out

_ tHOzier _ \- I dented my laptop when I threw it off the bed

_ billy bill bill  _ \- wtf

_ billy bill bill  _ \- was your first kiss for ticktok 

_ Spaghetti _ \- no

_ Benzo  _ \- !!!!!!!!!

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- ?????

_ bad bitch _ \- !!!!!!

_ tHOzier _ \- calm down jesus I can hear you all squealing from my house

_ billy bill bill  _ \- when did you kiss??

_ Spaghetti _ \- lmao 

_ Spaghetti _ \- we were like 

_ tHOzier _ \- 7

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- When?

_ tHOzier _ \- eds was over and we were watching a show with mom. A couple kissed and we asked why they did. Mom said that it was because they loved each other 

_ tHOzier _ \- when we were in bed we kissed ‘cause we love each other

_ Spaghetti _ \- so romantic 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- you didn’t tell us?

_ Spaghetti _ \- yeah 'cause we were 7 and didn’t talk about it again

_ tHOzier _ \- until right now

_ bad bitch _ \- you didn’t tell me!

_ tHOzier _ \- I didn’t know you

_ tHOzier _ \- oh shit one of our toks just hit a milly views

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- never say any of those words again

_ Benzo  _ \- stop changing the subject 

_ Benzo  _ \- how many times have you kissed

_ tHOzier _ \- how many times have you kissed Bev

_ Benzo  _ \- I don’t know

_ tHOzier _ \- there you go. 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- I was gone for like half an hour

_ Mikey Moo _ \- what the fuck

**#whenwillreddiehappen  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike _ \- how are they so dense 

_ Bev _ \- i know 

_ Stan _ \- they’ve made out

_ Bill _ \- i don’t believe them 

_ Bill _ \- no one can be that dumb 

_ Stan _ \- this is Richie and Eddie we’re talking about here

_ Bev _ \- true

_ Ben _ \- do you think they’re messing with us bill? 

_ Stan _ \- oh?

_ Mike _ \- lol that’d be a twist 

_ Bill _ \- i don’t know

_ Bill _ \- if not, if they truly are making out but are like ‘no homo’ then I'm gonna be worried about them

_ Stan _ \- yeah they’d be really fucking dense if that’s the case 

_ Stan _ \- but again this is richie and eddie 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- cut the shit

_ tHOzier _ \- ?

_ bad bitch _ \- you and Eddie

_ tHOzier _ \- …

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- shut up

_ Spaghetti _ \- what's going on?

_ Mikey Moo _ \- You two aren’t idiots 

_ tHOzier _ \- thanks? 

_ Benzo  _ \- But come on

_ tHOzier _ \- oh nevermind 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- They are Idiots

_ Spaghetti _ \- rude

_ bad bitch _ \- you two clearly LIKE each other 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- it’s so fucking obvious 

_ Benzo  _ \- it is

_ Mikey Moo _ \- it’s very clear

_ bad bitch _ \- you LIKE LIKE each other 

_ tHOzier _ \- I’d hope so 

_ tHOzier _ \- seeing as we just celebrated our one-year anniversary. 

_ Spaghetti _ \- awkward if we didn’t

_ billy bill bill  _ \- What

_ bad bitch _ \- shut up 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- oh fuck you both 

_ Benzo  _ \- wait

_ Mikey Moo _ \- oh shit the twist bill

_ bad bitch _ \- you’ve been dating for a year

_ Spaghetti _ \- yes

_ billy bill bill  _ \- and you didn’t say anything

_ tHOzier _ \- we did

_ tHOzier _ \- and you thought I was joking 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- When?

_ tHOzier _ \- a year ago at the quarry 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- that was legit?

_ Spaghetti _ \- yeah but when no one believed him we decided to see how long we could last before you figured it out

_ Spaghetti _ \- we made out multiple times at sleepovers 

_ Benzo  _ \- when?????

_ tHOzier _ \- all the fucking time

_ Spaghetti _ \- we were so obvious 

_ Spaghetti _ \- we held hands all the time 

_ Mikey Moo _ \- so you pretended the entire time

_ Spaghetti _ \- after like a month it became too awkward to tell you guys so we just waited until you noticed tbh

_ billy bill bill  _ \- omg 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- all the times you came to me complaining about your unrequited crush? 

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- yeah you did that to me richie

_ tHOzier _ \- we had to act normal

_ tHOzier _ \- we’ve been doing it for ages 

_ Spaghetti _ \- I stopped for the first month 

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I remember that

_ Spaghetti _ \- but no one figured it out so I started again

_ Benzo  _ \- okay but why

_ tHOzier _ \- funny

_ tHOzier _ \- we also found out about your group chat

_ Spaghetti _ \- we knew about the plans

_ bad bitch _ \- how did you find out about them?

_ tHOzier _ \- hacked stans phone

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- what?

_ tHOzier _ \- your password is 2473

_ tHOzier _ \- bird

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- you hacked my phone and found the group chat and decided to go on a date with Madison? 

_ tHOzier _ \- yes. 

_ bad bitch _ \- so you’ve just been pretending to be dense idiots? 

_ tHOzier _ \- yeah

_ Spaghetti _ \- Richie wasn’t pretending but yeah 

_ tHOzier _ \- :/

_ tHOzier _ \- love you tho

_ Spaghetti _ \- ughh

_ Spaghetti _ \- love you too

_ billy bill bill  _ \- I’m speechless. 

_ bad bitch  _ \- dear lord

_ Stanny the Manny _ \- No. No. I can’t deal with this. 

**_Stanny the Manny has removed tHOzier_** **_and_** **_Spaghetti from the Chat_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You all guessed it. You all got it. But here it is. Yes, they've been together the entire time! They're in love! 
> 
> Okay, the next 10 chapters are different: They're adults now. I've enjoyed writing this so I wanted to extend it but here's the problem: I can't make it set in 2030whatever because I am not from then. SO we're ignoring how time, technology and memes work in order to make this work. They are going to be ~40 but it's still gonna be ~2019. Memes are similar, techs the same, Twitter is still a thing (wink wink). They're going to be more than just Group messages (wait to see the first 3 chapters lmao, I had fun with them). Okay? So, don't worry about it that much. It's crack, right?
> 
> Anyway, see in you 27 years (ie two days).


	11. Chapter 2: The ‘“Richie TrashMouth Toizer; Childhood Memories” Transcript part 1' Part

_ The lights come up. An empty stage is lit up, people are cheering and clapping.  _

**Overhead Narrator**

Ladies and gentlemen; please welcome, Richie Trashmouth Tozier!

_ The lights flash on and off rapidly as Richard comes onto the stage, waving at the crowd and blowing kisses. He stops when he gets to the microphone stand in the middle of the stage, waving for another minute before stopping. The crowd cheers a while longer.  _

**Richard Tozier**

Hi! Hello. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Not sure why you decided to come, but I am glad you did. I’m glad you’re here because my husband-

_ Richard points directly in front of him _

**Richard Tozier**

-really wants a new car. Has been pestering me for weeks about it. Apparently ours isn’t safe enough. Even though it’s one of the safest out there. But I’m a-

_ Richard changes his voice to mimic Edward’s _

**Richard Tozier**

-”a bad driver who is going to get us killed one of these days.” Which, I think is pretty rude, to be honest. Anyway, you guys all paid to come here and that money is going to buy my husband a tank or some other weird vehicle that won’t roll if I crash, going ten miles an hour down the LA roads. If you see a tank on Sunset Boulevard it may just be us. You did pay, right? No one snuck in here? Cool. Let me say, I have no idea why any of you decided to come here. Where you sitting at home like -

_ Richard changes his voice to mimic a deep, manly voice _

**Richard Tozier**

-”honey, we should go and see a show. We could go to John Mauleny, a legend. Very funny, a person who’s respectable, wears nice suits, has his hair done and doesn’t talk about dicks every five minutes. Or we could go to see, uh, Richie Trashmouth. Who wears ugly clothes and is not respectable at all. He talks about dicks all the time. We’re basically paying for a badly dressed, depressed man to wax poetic about his husband.” What brought you guys to me? Maybe John charges to much. I was right though, you did just pay to listen to me talk about my husband. Whom I love very much. He is also the reason why I just said ‘whom’ because when he read the script he told me that he was surprised I passed English. He also said that to me while I was passing English. Well, might I add. I even helped him with his homework because I am a good boyfriend and because he refused to make out with me until it was done. 

_ The crowd continues to laugh, as they have been doing. Richard waves at the front row again. _

**Richard Tozier**

My darling husband, Eddie, I feel like I should tell you his name. Is sitting right there; front row. I can’t actually see him because the lights are on but I can feel his energy. Soulmate stuff, you know? I also booked the ticket for him so I know where he’s sitting. Surrounded by him are our best friends, all five of them. Yes, that’s right, my husband and I have five whole friends between us. We’re very good at being adults. Kidding, we are not. A light bulb blew in our house and instead of fixing it I pulled out one of our unused lava lamps and that was the light in that room. We never fixed it. It stayed like that for about a year. We also have a cupboard full of unused lava lamps. Anyway, ignoring that, let’s talk about my friends. You actually know a few of them, anyone know Beverly Marsh, the wonderful fashion designer? 

_ The crowd cheers _

**Richard Tozier**

Yeah! She’s right there. She was the first and only girl I’ve seen in underwear. I love her, she’s the best. I used to call her mom when we were kids. Sitting next to her is Ben Hanscom - 

_ The crowd cheers again _

**Richard Tozier**

You know Benzo? Good. He’s amazing, and he’s hot as shit. He’s the best guy I have ever met in my life and I married a dude. Bev lucked out. Don’t worry; I asked Eds if I could say that and he said yes because he agreed. Next to Ben is Mikey, who owns his own fucking library. Like, he just has a library in Florida, I didn’t know you could own libraries? But he does and he is second only to Ben in terms of niceness. I have awesome friends. Mike’s the kind of dude who stops when have to tie your shoelace and doesn’t complain about you. Isn’t that amazing? I am not like that. Next to Mike is my main man Stan. Who was Atlanta’s youngest accountant. No, wait; youngest and most successful. That may be so but he will never be as successful as my childhood ticktok account. Don’t worry about that either; Stan and I have been making fun of each other since we were about seven. I love him and he loves me but refuses to say it. Don’t worry Stan, we all know it, but I’m not available. And then we have Bill, or maybe you know him as William Denbrough. 

_ The crowd cheers again _

**Richard Tozier**

Yes! I am friends with him. He’s awesome and put up with Eddie Spaghetti pining over me for years so like, he’s patient as shit. Unofficial leader of our friend group. You guys know his book; In the Underground? 

_ The crowd cheers again _

**Richard Tozier**

What would you say if I said that was based on real-life? No, I’m dead serious. See, all seven of us have been best friends since we were kids. Stan, Bill, Eds and I became friends in kindergarten, the others joined at the beginning of middle school. Isn’t that crazy? I have known, and loved, my husband since I was five. Five! When people ask how we meet it’s weird because we don’t really know. We know we meet at school but that’s as far as we can get. Some people get annoyed at us for not knowing what it was like when we first met! Why the fuck would I remember anything from before I was like ten? I’ve tried to block out everything from before I was about fifteen because I was weird as fuck. And like, I’m weird now but you should have seen me then. Ok, anyway. We were all friends and stuff. Then Bill’s brother goes missing, and then Bev is snatched by a dude wearing a party-city clown costume and all seven of us go off to fight this fucker. Why? I don’t know, we were like twelve. But I mean, we did it. Got Bev and Georgie back; no one was eaten. I call it a win. I also got to watch my now-husband, who I was crushing on hard then, kick a grown man dressed like a cheap clown in the face. It was really fucking hot. But yeah, in Bill’s book the clown was like an alien demon but in real life, it was some crack addict hillbilly who ate kids in sewers. Childhood was fucking weird. 

_ The crowd cheers again. Richard takes a drink _

**Richard Tozier**

My manager asked me if I had anything to talk about from my childhood that I could talk about. I said not really. She said ‘there’s gotta be something relatable about your upbringing, anything!’ So, here’s my childhood and we can see how relatable it is for you guys. Clearly I am into guys since I married one and talked about another’s attractiveness at length. Both with you guys and my husband daily. Anyone relating? 

_ Some people in the crowd cheer _

**Richard Tozier**

Okay, that’s a good start. I’m glad that I seem to be drawing my fellow gays. Any homophobes here? That’d suck but also it’d be kind of funny. Love making them uncomfortable. So does Eddie and that’s why we’ve been going to anti-gay protests and making out in front of them since we were about seventeen. Moving on, anyone here from a small as fuck town that seems to be stuck in 1954?

_ Some people in the crowd cheer again _

**Richard Tozier**

That’s good. Nice. Anywhere here fight a man in a clown costume in the sewer?

_ People in the front cheer _

**Richard Tozier**

Anyone who isn’t my friends? No. I had a feeling. Okay, small as fuck town, gay, or well technically bisexual I guess. Nice. My manager will be happy with me. Anyone else keep their relationship a secret for a year, not because of homophobia, which was a thing, but because you wanted to see how long it would take your friends to figure out that you’re dating another one of the friends? But then after a month, it’s a bit too awkward to bring up so you just decide to keep hiding it. And then gets boring so you start raising the stakes like taking girls on fake dates, shout out Madison who figured out Eddie and I were a thing before our best friends. No? Well, I mean Eds can relate I guess. Because that’s we did. We made out multiple times just out of eye site but no one could figure it out. I used to sneak into Eddie’s house every single night and then he moved in with me! We were living together and he slept in my room but our friends couldn’t figure it out. They thought we were dumb, pining baby gays. And, we were, but only until we were like fifteen. I’m being mean and I am sure that my friends are glaring at me right now. Again, can’t see them. Anyway, we were good at hiding our relationship which is so fucking sad. But we lived in a homophobic town and Eds got shit from bullies enough for just looking gay. He did look gay though, like don’t bully people or whatever but he did look gay. Still took me about ten years to figure it out. But that’s more because I’m an idiot. I know he is gay but he literally couldn’t get more stereotypical. So as soon as we turned eighteen we were out of that fucking town. Fuck you, Derry. We all moved to LA first, but within like a year before had gone their own ways. Mike moved to Florida, Bill and Stan to Atlanta. It sucked so much! We had lived in the same place for our entire lives and suddenly I could bike to Stan’s house to annoy him at three in the morning. I’m a really good friend if you couldn’t tell. At least I had my Eds. I’m sure he’s groaning because he absolutely hates that name. Well, he says he hates it but I know him quite well. He loves it. 

_ Edward yells that he doesn’t. The crowd cheers again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this because it's the same format for the next two chapters. It was going to be two chapters total but I had way to much fun with it so now you get three <3


	12. Chapter 2: The ‘“Richie TrashMouth Toizer; Childhood Memories” Transcript part 2' Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2/3!

**Richard Tozier**

I haven’t actually described my darling husband to you and I feel like I should. First, he’s short as shit. Don’t worry; I tease him about this all the time. He has a fear of germs and illness, not just a fear but a legitimate phobia, and he is as a nurse. With sick kids. This man works with ill, kids all day and is fine but then he comes home and I have to wash my hands before I can touch him. He’s kind of crazy. And it’s not his fault. It’s his mother’s, whom I hate more than anyone else in the world. I hope you’re watching this Sonia. And if you are watching: fuck you, love that Tozier boy. See, when we were kids Sonia convinced him that he was dying. All the time. She convinced Eddie that he was sick, that he would get hurt if he did anything, that he had all these allergies, that he had asthma, that he needed to take about a hundred pills a day otherwise he would drop dead. It got to the point at one stage where Eddie couldn’t eat out and I’d have to bring food when we went out. Obviously we don’t have time to go over all that. But one-day Spaghetti found out, stuck up for himself and told his mom to go fuck herself. I was so proud. We weren’t dating yet, but I can vividly remember Eddie turning up at the clubhouse practically vibrating with rage. All three feet of him. He was ranting about gazebos and lying, all of us Losers were just sitting there nodding along because we didn’t want him to start yelling at us. Notice I said gazebos, well he got that confused with placebos. It was a confusing few minutes for all of us until Stan asked what a gazebo is and Eddie yells “IT’S BULLSHIT!” before hitting me because he was angry at the world. He’s very cute. In the end, he stopped taking so much medication. That was also when we found out the ADHD pill was very much real and he needed definitely needed it. That week was fucking wild as shit. She was homophobic and tried to convince Eds that he wasn’t gay, he came out to her and was promptly kicked out of the house. You sound very sad, I was not. It sounds mean but Spaghetti came to live with me! I was so happy. We had talked about living together since we were about six and it was finally happening. And I hated his mom, even though I constantly joked about having sex with her. Yeah, I joked about that a lot. I didn’t get the nickname Trashmouth for nothing. Yeah, so that all happened. Anyway, when we were kids Eddie used to wear a fanny pack. A fucking fanny pack! How amazing is that? I used to make fun of him all the time. But can you blame me? No, you can’t. Eddie is also really fucking funny, which is really annoying because I’m the comedian. He’s a nurse, yes, I married a nurse. Well, technically I married a nursing student but whatever. People never believed that someone educated would marry me. Eds says that makes sense. My husband spends his day saving children, literally saving them. I spend my day making you dumber. I’m serious, every ten minutes you listen to me talk loses you one IQ point. Anyway, I married a sexy nurse who is funnier than I am. He was reading some ideas for this show and I could tell that he didn’t like them, he changed a few lines and suddenly the entire show is ten times funnier. What the fuck? Like, piss off babe. He’s also super judgemental, but he’s cute enough that it doesn’t come across as mean, it’s like being told off by a puppy. I have spent my entire life trying to make Eds laugh, and I am not very good at it. So if a joke makes Eddie laugh it’s in the show. Fuck everyone else. The joke about the tank from before? That made him laugh so I opened the show with it. I kinda hope there are some homophobes out there right now, I love making them uncomfortable by talking about my husband. It’s even funnier when I talk about all the sex I have with him. Okay, I’ve been talking about Eddie for a while so maybe I should switch it up.

_ People are laughing and cheering. Richard takes a drink. He then swings the microphone around a few times _

**Richard Tozier**

Wait, one more thing about my husband and me. Okay, so clearly we’re both into guys; it’d be awkward if we weren’t. This means that we both came out. I came out at thirteen after seeing Beverly Marsh in her underwear and going ‘nice’ and then looking over at Eddie Spaghetti and, sorry guys, Stan, and thinking the exact same thing. I am one hundred per cent positive that Stan is about to walk out. It was mainly Eddie but whatever. For about a month I was freaked out, made way to many pussy and mother-fucking jokes. And not like mother-fucking jokes, I was joking about fucking Ed’s mom. Don’t ask. They were funny though. I came out to them, all is good. I’ve been crushing on Eddie this entire time but just released this. Boys are dumb, okay? Let me live. Then, about two years later Eds and I are at my house, messing around because we’re best friends. Eds isn’t out yet. This is because Spaghetti hasn’t realised that he’s gay. We’re playing truth or dare on my phone and Eddie gets dared to kiss the hottest person in the room. There are only two people in the room so, like, he’s got to kiss me. We kiss, passionately and quite a few times. Then Eddie, my darling sweet Eds, goes “I need to talk to you” and me, being smart, assumes that he’s in the middle of a gay meltdown. He is. It is a quarter to eight at night and I finally ask him to be my boyfriend. Guess what he says? No. The little fucker said no. So I’m sitting on my bed shell shocked because I thought he was going to say yes. I did just awaken his gay side. I, according to Eds, get pouty when I’m sad. He saw this, asked why I was sad and was very confused when I said ‘you just turned me down’. Turns out he thought I was joking. At ten to eight, I asked him to be my boyfriend, again. Guess what he said that time? Yeah, he said yes. Bev was right, we were sad useless gays. And then the exact same thing happened when I proposed. Which, I can understand because we used to pretend to propose to each other to get free desserts so he thought I was doing that. I didn’t realise he thought this. I gave him a ring, we got a free cake, and then about a week later I asked him when he wanted to get married. Cue us being really fucking confused for about an hour. We were engaged for an entire week before he knew! Okay, now we can move on.

_ People cheer. Richard smiles at them and takes a drink. He points at a random person in the audience. _

**Richard Tozier**

You enjoying yourself? Wait, hold up, how old are you? It looks like you’re about twelve.

_ The person responds back that they’re fourteen.  _

**Richard Tozier**

Fourteen? What the fuck are you doing at my show? Wait, shit I shouldn’t swear. Fuck, okay, what the hell was I doing at fourteen? Let’s see, I was pinning and being a jackass. Uhh, making your mom jokes and I was not at an actual comedians show. Are you here with your family?

_ The person responds back that they’re with his girlfriend.  _

**Richard Tozier**

Aww and I just embarrassed you in front of her. Called you twelve, which is the worst insult possible when you’re fourteen. Sorry about that. Hopefully, the date is going well. Are you enjoying it?

_ Both of them respond that they’re having a good time.  _

**Richard Tozier**

That’s good. I wouldn’t want to ruin your date. I ruined so many of my friend’s dates. Eds and I would just turn up. Okay, to be fair I would tell Eddie that we were going on a date and then we’d crash it but he didn’t know that. The amount of times Beverly got me kicked out or banned, from cafes in LA is intense. I am not allowed in so many places. Not just because I crashed dates. Once I got a drink thrown at me by someone because I tried to catcall Eddie and he thought I was trying to catcall him. It was a whole thing but in the end, I was kicked out because I told him that he looked like a squirrel with aids that had been run over. I don’t know, apparently that’s not appropriate. Are you guys having fun? I hope so. I do like my job and in order to keep it, I need you guys to have a good time. Leave me a nice Yelp review or something, okay? Okay, what was I talking about before? Oh, being relatable. Did you guys know that I wanted to be a ventriloquist when I was younger? That’s not very relatable but I feel like you should know that about me. I know, what a weird choice. But I could do lots of silly voices, I thought I was amazing at it but I wasn’t because I was fucking nine, and I really liked puppets. Those are the only skills needed to become a ventriloquist apparently. Saying that out loud I just realised I listed liking puppets as a skill. Actually, you know what? I am right. Eddie’s probably glaring at me again because that wasn’t very funny. 

_ People are laughing. Richard winks at the front row _


	13. Chapter 2: The ‘“Richie TrashMouth Toizer; Childhood Memories” Transcript part 3' Part

**Richard Tozier**

I hope I just winked at my husband. You know what I love? True crime shows. I binge watch those shows all the time, absolutely love them. There are about a thousand different shows with about a million episodes each, which means that there have been about a billion wacky murders. When I’m out for a show I will go to sleep listening to forensic files. Eds doesn’t let me do it at home, I mean we watch it together, but he doesn’t let me go to sleep with it on because he says that makes me as bad as the killers. 

_ Richard makes a face causing the audience to laugh louder. He then switches so he is mimicking a true-crime presenter. _

**Richard Tozier**

“On April 6th, Mary Anne was walking home from the store. Who knew that there would be a nasty surprise waiting for her by her car?” The nasty surprise is that she got fucking stabbed in the neck, Keith. “You found your brother’s body in a lake? That couldn’t have been very fun for you.” No shit, Keith. “Why did you do it? Why did you eat your victim’s fingers?” I don’t know if I want to know the answer to that question, Keith. The laughter is getting awkward which means you guys don’t want to think about serial killers or cannibalism. And, okay, I can see why. They’re not exactly light and fun subjects. See, this is why you should have gone to John Mauleny; he doesn’t talk about murder as much as I do. But you guys are broke and John’s expensive so you’re stuck with me and my shitty murder jokes. Fun fact about that clown I brought up early, he was a cannibal but Bill couldn’t say it because he had a stutter so he used to call it a people-eater instead. That wasn’t in his book. Shit, no, I’m supposed to be relatable and I don’t think cannibalism is relatable to the vast majority of, well, everyone. Okay, you know what is relatable; buying a fucking house. I hate it. Fuck the entire property industry. It took us four months to find a house that we both liked. Which translates to, it took Eddie Spaghetti four months to find us a house that he liked. When we were kids, I told him he was going to be my sugar baby when I was rich, he said to fuck right off. Well, guess who just bought him a house? His sugar daddy. Kidding, I don’t want him to be mad at me later. Angry Eddie means no sex for me. No, but we were really picky about what house we wanted. Had to be close to the hospital, had to be big enough that all our friends could come over, had to have security. One of our houses didn’t have any security and we came home to a fanboy on our bed. That was fucking wild. I don’t know if any of you have brought a house before, I’m sure Mr Fourteen and his girlfriend haven’t, but it’s the weirdest thing. Also, way too much money.

_ People cheer. Richard changes his voice to mimic an overly happy-sounding lady. _

**Richard Tozier**

“Okay, we have a lovely little bungalow. Three hours outside of LA. One bedroom, no bathroom and half a kitchen. A man was murdered in the garden and it was once owned by Satanists. The neighbours are meth dealers and metalheads who only play their music at night time. Also, the house has termites and may fall down during a mild storm. But it’s in the price bracket, it’s only one million.” What the fuck LA? Anyway, after four months of open homes every single weekend we found a house. It is nice though, big windows which are important apparently. Eddie said something about vitamin D and when I made a perfectly innocent and very funny joke he got angry. Do you guys want to hear it? 

_ The crowd cheers _

**Richard Tozier**

See, Eds, they want to hear it. Honestly, he’s so ungrateful. Anyway, my amazing joke was this: ‘all the vitamin D you get is when the blinds are closed!’. Amazing, right? Eddie didn’t think so and neither did our real estate agent. Or the house’s agent. Or the other couple that was at the showing. Eds once asked me if I ever embarrassed when I was in public and I had to remind him that it is literally my job to be a dumbass in front of the whole world. You guys just have to pay for it. He has to put up with this forever. I feel for him because I do not change. This is how I am when we’re together and alone. You guys pay and only deal with it for an hour, and sometimes I see people leave halfway through. Eddie has put up with it since we were kids. I am being dead serious when I say that I am this crazy off stage, my nickname is Trashmouth for that reason. I’ve been Richie Trashmouth Tozier since I was about ten years old. Spaghetti is a fucking champ. You know how I said that he read the script? He told me this was the best part of the whole show so I think we all know how Eddie feels about it all. I love him so much. It’s frankly ridiculous. Our friends once told us that we were co-dependent but also the opposite which makes no sense but hear me out. Apparently we’re dependent on each other, which is true. I went on tour for three weeks and both of us hated it so much I called my manager and told her that I’d never do it again. We haven’t lived apart for more than a long weekend since we were sixteen, so I guess that does that a person. But, on the other hand, again this is all according to our friends; not me, as soon as we’re together we stop acting like people. 

_ Richard makes a face, before laughing and swinging the microphone around while the crowd laughs. It hits his side causing Richard to grunt and the crowd to laugh even more. _

**Richard Tozier**

Fuck you too then. Anyway, to put it another way, we’re kind of crazy. I think I should be offended but, to be honest, it is very true. And we fucking live together; again, we had to pack two boxes of lava lamps when we moved. We both have ADHD and sometimes when we were kids we’d go through these periods of absolute insanity. Well, to be fair, most of our childhood was insane. I remember once, for context we had an underground clubhouse with a hammock in it and this was before we started dating but were both crushing. Anyway, I was in the hammock and Eds decided he wanted a turn. Because I am a little shit I didn’t get out and told him to go fuck himself which really meant ‘I love you’ but in 12-year-old boy language. Eddie Spaghetti, also being the little shit he is, decided to climb into the hammock with me. We did not fit. This did not bother either of us. He started kicking me in the face, but, lightly because he loves me I guess, and stole my glasses so I was blind as shit. He then proceeded to kick me in the face again. I’m laying there praying that I don’t get a fucking boner of this because he is lying in between my legs and that would make this really fucking awkward. And then he fucking smiles at me; asshole. And I’m like oh shit, he’s about to feel my boner. So I did the only thing that seemed logical at the time. I flipped the entire hammock over so we feel out. Really smart move. Okay, remember how I said the clubhouse was underground? Well, the entire floor was covered in dirt because of it. And remember how I said Eddie was afraid of everything? Dirt was one of his fears. He started attacking me, and I fought back because I was a dumb 12-year-old. On the outside, I was acting like it was all fun and games but internally I was freaking the fuck out because oh-my-god he’s touching me! This is amazing! Later when we were dating I told him all of this, adding the fact that I jerked off to it when I was a bit older. He was not impressed with that. And like I said, angry Eds means no sex so that fucking sucked for me. Other times we would intensely fight for three days straight, and I mean it. We would be at each other constantly, no hold barred even though we were in love. And then on that fourth day, we’d sit in the hammock and discuss comic books like nothing had happened. We were always so cuddly afterwards. I don’t know how our friends put up with it but it does explain why Bill killed me off in his book. Thank you and good fucking night! 

_ The crowd cheers loudly, people are standing and clapping. Richard jumps off the stage and pulled Edward from his seat. This is projected on the screen on stage. The cheering gets louder when Richard dips Edward in for a kiss. They two of them leave, moving backstage as the crowd continues to cheer.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit shorter, sorry! Next chapter has the Group Chats, it has Twitter and I don't have a third thing to list!


	14. Chapter 2: The ‘they may be 40 physically but mentally they are 12' Part

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier  _ \- How was that guys?

_ R Tozier _ \- I think Eddie liked it

_ ETozier  _ \- Please stop talking about our sex life now

_ Billiam _ \- he just talked about your sex life in front of cameras

_ Stan _ \- and it’s going on Netflix 

_ E Tozier _ \- well he was paid for that. You’re not paying

_ R Tozier _ \- true 

_ R Tozier _ \- okay no sex jokes for you until i get paid

_ Stan _ \- That’s not going to happen. 

_ R Tozier _ \- you’ve already paid for it

_ Stan _ \- you gave us the tickets for free

_ R Tozier _ \- Shut up, Stan

_ B Hanscom _ \- it was really good Richie

_ R Tozier _ \- I know that’s ben because Bev isn’t that nice

_ B Hanscom _ \- rude

_ R Tozier _ \- there’s bev

_ Stan _ \- that’s still annoying

_ B Hanscom changed their name to Be Hanscom  _

_ B Hanscom changed their name to Be Hanscom  _

_ E Tozier _ \- your last name isn’t even Hanscom 

_ Be Hanscom  _ \- called out lmao 

_ Be Hanscom changed their name to Wonderful Fashion Designer  _

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer changed Be Hanscom’s name to Best Guy  _

_ R Tozier _ \- I see how it is

_ R Tozier _ \- okay none of you said if you liked the show aside from Ben

_ Stan _ \- I hate to admit it 

_ Stan _ \- but it was very funny 

_ Mike _ \- I was laughing the entire time 

_ Billiam _ \- So was I 

_ R Tozier _ \- Please continue, I need validation 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I liked the bit about me.

_ Best Guy  _ \- It was very good, Richie. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- but am I actually the only girl you’ve seen in underwear? 

_ R Tozier _ \- In real life, yeah. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- really? 

_ R Tozier _ \- dude I married my childhood crush. When would I see naked chicks? 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- true

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- wait did I put you off girls? 

_ R Tozier _ \- no I already liked Eddie

_ R Tozier _ \- anyway please can I have some more validation 

_ Best Guy  _ \- I really enjoyed myself. Especially the part about buying a house. 

_ R Tozier _ \- good that means it was relatable. My manager will be happy

_ Mike _ \- do you think you’ll get another special? 

_ Billiam _ \- you seem popular 

_ R Tozier _ \- Not sure. Depends, if Netflix likes this one. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- will you finally be able to host SNL?

_ R Tozier _ \- I’ve been on SNL 

_ R Tozier _ \- I was a cast member for three years? 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- yeah but you never hosted. 

_ R Tozier _ \- fuck you

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I mean, I’ve hosted but you haven’t. 

_ R Tozier _ \- I wrote your fucking monologue. 

_ R Tozier _ \- whatever. 

_ Billiam _ \- You two are exactly the same as when we were kids

_ Billiam _ \- it’s scary. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I mean

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- yes. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- but I am more mature now. 

_ R Tozier _ \- I am not

_ Mike _ \- do you really have that many lava lamps? 

_ R Tozier _ \- yeah 

_ Mike _ \- why?

_ R Tozier _ \- No idea. We have all sorts of weird shit. We hired people to pack and move our stuff when we moved house and I think they were concerned. 

_ E Tozier _ \- they were. I got a lot of weird looks. 

_ R Tozier _ \- where the fuck did you go 

_ E Tozier _ \- get us alcohol 

_ R Tozier _ \- oh shit sounds good

_ Billiam _ \- you two haven’t changed either it seems. 

_ R Tozier _ \- why change perfection? 

_ E Tozier _ \- exactly, that’s why I haven’t changed. 

_ R Tozier _ \- little shit, hurry up and bring me my wine. 

_ Stan _ \- I thought you hated wine? 

_ R Tozier _ \- I did and now I don’t because I am Matuer

_ Stan _ \- you spelt mature wrong

_ R Tozier _ \- I see that now. 

_ R Tozier _ \- please leave me alone. 

_ E Tozier _ \- baby

_ R Tozier _ \- your baby

_ E Tozier _ \- fucking gross

_ R Tozier _ \- you love it

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- bets on when they start having sex? 

_ Stan _ \- Gross. 

_ Stan _ \- Ten minutes

_ Billiam _ \- Five. 

_ Mike _ \- After the wine

_ Best Guy  _ \- After a glass 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- a glass 

_ R Tozier _ \- you were all wrong. We were starting when I texted the group. 

_ Stan _ \- fuck you

_ Billiam _ \- I’m with Stan

_ R Tozier _ \- Whatever. 

_ R Tozier _ \- Brunch at ten?

_ R Tozier _ \- see, fucking mature as shit. 

_ Stan _ \- says the man who has two boxes of lava lamps. 

_ R Tozier _ \- okay. Fair. 

_ Best Guy  _ \- see you guys at ten 

_ Mike _ \- I'm excited for pancakes 

_ R Tozier _ \- try not to cry when people come up and ask for my picture. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- three of us are famous 

_ E Tozier _ \- I get asked for pictures all the time

_ Best Guy  _ \- i’ve had a few. 

_ R Tozier _ \- shut up. 

_ E Tozier _ \- BEEP BEEP

_ R Tozier _ \- I thought I knocked you out with that amazing sex. 

_ Stan _ \- how did you beep him first? 

_ E Tozier _ \- he speaks as he types. 

_ E Tozier _ \- okay but he wasn’t that wrong so I’m going to sleep now. 

_ Stan _ \- beep fucking beep 

_ R Tozier _ \- love you too stan

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier **

Ed’s is so cute. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Don’t call me that. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Do you guys see what I have to put up with? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I could say the same thing 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev** _In reply to @RTozier_

You guys are fighting on your verified accounts. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

We’re not fighting. This is foreplay. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Gross. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev** _In reply to @ETozier_

Why do I bother? 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @MarshBev_

Ignore them. It’s what I do. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris  _

Oh please, you love us. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

Mmmmm. Maybe. 

**I love Richie Tozier @RtEtfan**

Okay but Eddie’s tweets about his husband are iconic and I love them. That’s all. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtEtfan_

Thanks. They’re all real.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That’s true. 

**I love Richie Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Omg omg please give me a tweet. I’ll die. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtEtfan_

Please don’t die. But I will say that Richie is currently wearing slippers that meow when he walks. It is driving me up the wall. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Well I have a style award and you don’t, so. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I still have no idea how you got that award. When we found that you won you were wearing a robe and my underwear. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

It’s called style I guess. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Wtf richie 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I think this is the best day of my life

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtEtfan_

Love the name change. 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Omg this is amazing 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtEtfan_

Don’t stan Richie. He’s a disappointment. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Yeah but I am really good at sex. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

So so 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Oh fuck you 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

He wishes 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I don’t need to wish baby

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev** _In reply to @RTozier_

Blocked. Both of you. I am disgusted. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike  _ \- I am running late. Please order me pancakes and some coffee

_ Mike  _ \- if I don’t have coffee I may fall asleep 

_ E Tozier _ \- fucking same 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- eddie 

_ E Tozier _ \- yes?

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- what would happen if your boss found your twitter account? It’s not very nurse-ly

_ E Tozier _ \- that’s not a word. And my bosses find it very funny 

_ Mike  _ \- really? I thought they’d want you to have, like, professionalism or something 

_ R Tozier _ \- I raised like half a million dollars for that place they've got to like my husband

_ Mike  _ \- did you bribe them? 

_ R Tozier _ \- sure

_ E Tozier _ \- they find me funny anyway. 

_ Mike  _ \- and richie bribed them 

_ E Tozier _ \- the bribe was so that we could go on holiday 

_ R Tozier _ \- sugar daddy life

_ E Tozier _ \- shut up please

_ R Tozier _ \- that was so nice 

_ E Tozier _ \- shut the fuck up 

_ R Tozier _ \- mean

_ E Tozier _ \- shut the fuck up please

_ R Tozier _ \- that works

_ Stan _ \- remember those glorious few days when you weren’t in the chat? 

_ Billiam _ \- glory days 

_ Best Guy  _ \- mike, we ordered your pancakes 

_ Mike  _ \- thanks Ben

_ Best Guy  _ \- :) 

_ R Tozier _ \- still the best people in the group chat

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- and I married one of them. That makes me best-adjacent. 

_ R Tozier _ \- that makes sense 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- you and eddie are trash 

_ R Tozier _ \- rude

_ R Tozier _ \- but yeah

_ E Tozier _ \- I’m not trash. Richie is but I’m not.

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- You’re so mean eddie 

_ E Tozier _ \- he likes it 

_ R Tozier _ \- to much 

_ Stan _ \- oh good. They’ve arrived so we get to listen to them in real life now. 

**Proud Mother of a couple of Dumbass Adults  
** _ Bev, Eddie, Richie _

_ Bitch _ \- I think I left my jumper at your house

_ Evil _ \- You did

_ Rascal _ \- Eddie is wearing it

_ Evil _ \- am not

_ Rascal _ \- he is

_ Bitch _ \- it’s fine just wondering 

_ Evil _ \- it is a very nice jumper

_ Bitch _ \- of course it is I made it

_ Rascal _ \- i see the fame hasn’t gone to your head 

_ Bitch _ \- says you 

_ Rascal _ \- i was always like this so ha

_ Evil _ \- you’re both annoying 

_ Rascal _ \- jealous you’re not famous 

_ Evil _ \- am not 

_ Bitch _ \- Anyway. I know that you two are going on that couple game show and was wondering if I could dress you 

_ Rascal _ \- You’re the only reason I have a style award so yes 

_ Evil _ \- yeah but I want to wear pink

_ Bitch _ \- obviously 

_ Bitch _ \- i’ll send you some ideas. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier **

Might fuck around and dress up like a clown for this costume party

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I think I’m going to get a divorce.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

No you’re not.

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

No I’m not. 


	15. Chapter 2: The ‘the wives of It take centre stage for a moment because I love them' Part

**The Wives Club   
** _ Beverly, Patty, Audra _

_ Patty _ \- when is it wine night? 

_ Beverly _ \- good question 

_ Audra _ \- I get back on Wednesday. So Thursday?

_ Beverly _ \- No husbands. 

_ Patty _ \- Absolutely. 

_ Beverly _ \- Richie is going to be annoyed that we didn’t invite him. 

_ Beverly _ \- Oh well. 

_ Audra _ \- Not our problem. He’ll complain to our men, not us.

_ Patty _ \- Exactly. 

_ Beverly _ \- Oh! I’ve finished the sketches for the dresses. 

_ Audra _ \- For the movie premiere? 

_ Beverly _ \- Yup! 

_ Patty _ \- I can’t wait to see them :) 

_ Beverly _ \- Hopefully you like them

_ Audra _ \- I’ve never not liked your dresses. 

_ Audra _ \- I’m about to start filming again. See you all on Thursday! 

_ Patty _ \- <3

_ Beverly _ \- See you soon!

_ Patty _ \- Bev, Stan wants to know if he’s wearing one of your suits? 

_ Beverly _ \- obviously. We’re all kind of matching

_ Patty _ \- Lovely! 

**Private Message Between Eds and Richie**

_ Richie _ \- I still think that my name should be Rich in your phone 

_ Richie _ \- because you love me and because $$$ 

_ Eds _ \- Do I know you?

_ Richie _ \- Eddie gets off a good one. 

_ Richie _ \- Whatever I actually need to talk to you. 

_ Eds _ \- and that’s how you decided to start the conversation? 

_ Richie _ \- it just came up

_ Eds _ \- I'm about to go back to work so make it quick 

_ Richie _ \- we should get married

_ Eds _ \- we are. 

_ Richie _ \- yeah but we should get married again. 

_ Eds _ \- are you trying to divorce me? Because no. 

_ Richie _ \- is that how you would respond if I said I wanted a divorce? 

_ Eds _ \- yes. 

_ Richie _ \- do you think it would work?

_ Eds _ \- I know it would.

_ Eds _ \- are you trying to divorce me or not? 

_ Richie _ \- I am not BUT if I was it wouldn’t work

_ Eds _ \- man you are so whipped it would totally work. 

_ Richie _ \- if I'm divorcing you it means I'm not whipped anymore so checkmate. 

_ Eds _ \- you’ve been whipped since you were about then it’s never going away 

_ Eds _ \- checkmate. 

_ Richie _ \- don’t checkmate my checkmate. 

_ Eds _ \- I just did

_ Richie _ \- and I told you not to

_ Eds _ \- do you need to talk to me or not? Because this conversation is literally pointless. 

_ Richie _ \- Not pointless, I now know how’d you reply if I did try to divorce you. 

_ Eds _ \- true. But that’s not happening right now so

_ Richie _ \- right but I still want to get married

_ Eds _ \- like I said, we already are. 

_ Richie _ \- remarried

_ Richie _ \- it’s a thing 

_ Eds _ \- for weirdos yes

_ Richie _ \- our first wedding was perfect but it was just us and the losers and my parents our second wedding could be us and the losers and my parents and a lot of famous people. 

_ Eds _ \- you want to get remarried because you want to invite famous people this time?

_ Eds _ \- that’s the dumbest thing you’ve said. 

_ Richie _ \- but it’s brilliant 

_ Eds _ \- maybe

_ Richie _ \- oh shit are we doing it????????

_ Eds _ \- maybe

_ Richie _ \- oh shit we are!! 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier **

Eddie and I are getting married! 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

This may come as a shock but you already are. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Mike  _ \- There was a small fire at the library :(

_ Stan _ \- are you okay? 

_ R Tozier _ \- oh shit

_ Billiam _ \- what happened?

_ Mike  _ \- It looks like electrical damage 

_ Stan _ \- Is it serious? 

_ Mike  _ \- Luckily no. No books were damaged and the insurance will cover a new paint job. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- At least you get a new paint job

_ Best Guy  _ \- Are you still thinking about expanding? 

_ Mike  _ \- Yeah, I guess

_ Best Guy  _ \- I’m still happy to do 

_ Mike  _ \- You’re so far away 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- oh no we have to come to Florida! Whatever will we do???

_ Billiam _ \- You’ve been wanting to expand for ages. Do it. 

_ Mike  _ \- Okay. 

_ Best Guy  _ \- send me the plans. I can have a look. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- we can be out there in a week. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- omg group trip to Florida! You’re cool with that, Mike, right?

_ Mike  _ \- sure, you’re rich enough to stay at a hotel. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- fair

_ Billiam _ \- I haven’t been to Florida in ages. 

_ Stan _ \- do any of you have jobs? 

_ Billiam _ \- take some time off.

_ E Tozier  _ \- I can’t take time off. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- become a full-time sugar baby

_ Stan _ \- Did you just message Patty, Bev? 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- Yes. Want you to come. 

_ Stan _ \- sneaky. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I know. She said you can come. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- I’ll kidnap Eddie.

_ E Tozier  _ \- You will not. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Eddie and I will be there. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- group trip! 

_ Best Guy  _ \- to fix Mike’s library! 

_ Billiam _ \- and to get hammered on the beach! 

_ R Tozier  _ \- sounds fucking amazing. 

**The only ones with Normal Fucking Jobs  
** _ Eddie, Stan, Patty, Mike _

_ Stan _ \- I was betrayed by my own wife. 

_ Patty _ \- you’re so dramatic

_ Stan _ \- Betrayed. 

_ Eddie _ \- Did Bev really message you, Patty? 

_ Patty _ \- She did. Stan has days owed and I want to go to Florida 

_ Stan _ \- Betrayed. 

_ Mike _ \- I feel bad. 

_ Patty _ \- don’t. 

_ Patty _ \- did you get time off, Eddie? 

_ Eddie _ \- I think so. Maybe not for two weeks but hopefully a week.

_ Stan _ \- Richie told me that he was going to bribe them

_ Eddie _ \- Richie says a lot of things. 

_ Mike _ \- he does. 

_ Patty _ \- I could see him doing it

_ Eddie _ \- but not well. He never bribes people well it’s weird. 

_ Mike _ \- Who else has he tried to bribe

_ Eddie _ \- Me. All the time. 

_ Stan _ \- He is so weird 

_ Patty _ \- So fun! 

_ Mike _ \- you’re both right

_ Eddie _ \- he’s gonna see these somehow and never let me live it down

_ Stan _ \- gross. 

_ Eddie _ \- honestly 

_ Patty _ \- I’ll help him bribe the hospital! And then we can all go to Florida together. 

_ Eddie _ \- You’d be better at it

_ Patty _ \- is that a compliment? 

_ Eddie _ \- yes. 

_ Patty _ \- awesome! Thanks. 

_ Stan _ \- stop corrupting my wife 

_ Eddie _ \- you let her meet Richie. This is on you. 

_ Patty _ \- Ha! 

_ Stan _ \- Whatever. 

_ Eddie _ \- Love you stan!! 

_ Stan _ \- love you too I guess. 

_ Eddie _ \- <3

_ Stan _ \- you sound like Richie

_ Eddie _ \- take that back 

_ Stan _ \- stop talking like Richie 

_ Patty _ \- I admire you, Mike. Putting up with all these crazy people for so long

_ Mike _ \- It’s why I have so many wrinkles already 

_ Stan _ \- Rude

_ Eddie _ \- hey! 

_ Stan _ \- you’re supposed to be on my side, Patty. 

_ Patty _ \- <3

**Rachel @rachxpeach **

Question: why did Eddie take Richie’s name and not the other way around? Brand? Aesthetic? Who knows.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @rachxpeach  _

It wasn’t brand because I wasn't famous. Eddie just wanted to be reminded of me every time he saw his own name. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I wanted to be a Tozier because I love Maggie and Wentworth. Not because I love Richie.

**Rachel @rachxpeach ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That is so sweet! And kinda mean but oh well

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @rachxpeach_

That’s my entire personality in one tweet. 

**Mags and the Tozier Boys <3  
** _ Maggie, Eddie, Richie, Wentworth _

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Eddie, Lorraine from Coffee Group showed me your Tweet! How special! 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- :) 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- didn’t you see that he was mean to me? 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- You are ridiculous, Richie. 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Called out by my own mother. 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- Good. 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- heartbroken 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- How do you put up with him? 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- I don’t know

_ Richie Tozier _ \- oh okay. Everyone be mean to Richie then. 

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- are we being mean to Richie? 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- No!

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Yes

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- Yes. 

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- ha ha

_ Richie Tozier _ \- please don’t use text language if you’re not going to do it right.

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- You’re aware that you are also an old man?

_ Richie Tozier _ \- I’m cool

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Oh?

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- No you’re not.

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- Really?

_ Richie Tozier _ \- You’re making me sad :/

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- What a funny little face!

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- It is. Richie, you’re annoying and I am glad that you no longer live with me but I love you very much. 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- I love you too Richie :) 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- When was I annoying? 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Just say it back.

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- Richie you never stopped playing music, very loudly. You also always so down when Eddie wasn’t there. 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- Lame

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- You were as well Eddie 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Ohhh called out by your mother in law. 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- yeah yeah. You love me. 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Obviously. 

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- when does your special come out on Netflix? 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Three weeks today. 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Can’t wait to see it :)

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- is it funny?

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Yes! 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- of course it is!! 

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- Eddie? 

_ Eddie Tozier _ \- I helped write it. 

_ Wentworth Tozier _ \- good 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- screw all of you 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- :/

_ Richie Tozier _ \- Mum! 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Ha ha! I have to go, I’m seeing Pam for coffee. 

_ Richie Tozier _ \- have fun. Go crazy. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- You’re so strange! 

_ Maggie Tozier _ \- Love you boys <3

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier  _ \- Why am I unloved? 

_ Stan _ \- Alphabetical or? 

_ R Tozier  _ \- I am Hurt. 

_ Billiam _ \- poor richie

_ R Tozier  _ \- wow so my parents and my husband and my friends 

_ R Tozier  _ \- where is ben when you need him

_ Best Guy  _ \- i am here. You are nice. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Eddie, I’m leaving you for Ben. 

_ Billiam _ \- oh shit he pulled out his real name

_ E Tozier  _ \- That’s not my real name. 

_ Billiam _ \- shut up edward

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- oh, you’re stealing my husband?

_ R Tozier  _ \- yes

_ Mike _ \- oh no

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- then I’m taking eddie. 

_ Best Guy  _ \- Wait

_ E Tozier  _ \- What

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- switch 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Ben’s the only valid one here

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- true 

_ E Tozier  _ \- poor richie 

_ R Tozier  _ \- I know how you can make it up to meeee

_ E Tozier  _ \- Beep beep

_ Billiam _ \- Beep beep

_ Stan _ \- Beep beep.

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- Beep beep

_ Best Guy  _ \- Beep beep

_ Mike _ \- Beep beep.

_ R Tozier  _ \- welllllll okay screw all of you guys then. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- aside from Ben because I love him

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I don’t like this bit anymore 

_ Best Guy  _ \- I love you Bev

_ R Tozier  _ \- you spelt my name wrong 

_ Billiam _ \- sometimes I wonder

_ Billiam _ \- what my life would have been like if I wasn’t friends with you guys 

_ R Tozier  _ \- boring and unsuccessful seeing as your books are based on us. 

_ Billiam _ \- true but… I wouldn't be dealing with you. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- fair bill. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- pasta shut up I pay the bills 

_ E Tozier  _ \- we both do dumbass 

_ R Tozier  _ \- true

_ R Tozier  _ \- shut up.


	16. Chapter 2: The ‘Richie Tozier is bisexual, okay? Please stop saying that he is straight, it makes him scared' Part

**Levi Greenway @leviigreen**

I still don’t think that Richie Tozier is gay. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @leviigreen  _

What?

**Levi Greenway @leviigreen ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

You’re not gay. We all know this. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @leviigreen  _

I fucking didn’t

**Levi Greenway @leviigreen ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

@richieis_straight

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @leviigreen  _

????

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Yes this is a known fact 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

Uhhhh. Proof, please. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

You have been seen with women. 

[richie+women1.png][richie+women2.png][richie+women3.png][richie+women4.png]

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

Three of those women are married. Also, may come a shock but men and women can be friends. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

[richie+amypoehlerkissing.png][richie+tinafeykissing.png][richie+kristenwiigkissing.png]

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

[richie+paulruddkissing.png][richie+johnmaulenykissing.png][richie+sethmyerskissing.png][richie+andysambergkissing.png]

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Those were for work! 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

So were the ones you showed

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Perhaps. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

[richie+eddiekissing.png]

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

He is your beard! 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

I’ve been married to him longer than I’ve been famous 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Lie! There are no pictures.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

[richie+eddiewedding.png]

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

So?

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

Do we look nearly 40? No, we’re still attractive because we got married ages ago. When we were young. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Photoshopped

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

Ah, you the kind of person that no matter what I say I’m lying. Okay, so why am I pretending to be gay? I feel like this is something I should know about. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

So that people like you

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

Uhhh not the way to go, friend, homophobia is still a thing. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

You joke about being gay

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

First off, I joke about being bi so get your facts straight ( ;) ). Secondly, I joke about gay sex because that’s the only kind of sex I have. Again, married a man. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Allegedly

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

No, I was there. It happened. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Can confirm, I was also there. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Eds, what the hell is happening

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

You’re secret is out all thanks to a 13-year-old girl on twitter

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I am not 13!

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @richieis_straight_

Sorry, 14. 

**Richie Tozier is NOT a gay man @richieis_straight ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I am a 38 year old man. I am not some teenage girl. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @richieis_straight  _

That makes this so much better. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- good luck, Richie. Please look good because I designed the suit. 

_ R Tozier _ \- I always look good

_ Stan _ \- that’s simply not true

_ R Tozier _ \- rude

_ E Tozier _ \- he has a stylist

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- thank god

_ Billiam _ \- do you know what they want you to do?

_ Stan _ \- i hope it’s read mean tweets. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- lol why

_ Stan _ \- It’d be funny. 

_ Best Guy  _ \- You just want to see the mean tweets

_ Stan _ \- maybe. 

_ R Tozier _ \- why are you all like this

_ Mike _ \- you being roasted is funny though. 

_ E Tozier _ \- They’re not wrong 

_ Billiam _ \- No, they’re not

_ Mike _ \- you could make it funny 

_ R Tozier _ \- again, Mike and Ben are the only valids because they’re not mean to me

_ R Tozier _ \- but yes, I am reading mean tweets and then Eddie and I are doing a game show. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- you’ve got to look good to Eddie

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- make me proud 

_ R Tozier _ \- roger that 

_ E Tozier _ \- I hate being on TV

_ E Tozier _ \- Richie is mean

_ R Tozier _ \- that’s not true 

_ Stan _ \- that’s very true 

_ Best Guy  _ \- it is.

_ R Tozier _ \- whatever. 

_ R Tozier _ \- im on now. Pls watch the video when it comes out. 

_ Stan _ \- the five views it get will be from us

_ R Tozier _ \- im making it my personal mission to get it to five million just to spite you. 

_ Transcript of:  _ **Buzzfeed Celeb: Richie Tozier reading mean Tweets.**

_ Richie is sitting in front of a light pink wall, a clear bowl filled with strips of paper sits in front of him _

**Richie**

Hey, I’m Richie Tozier and you’re watching me read mean tweets on Buzzfeed. I am sure that the majority of these are from my friends and husband so let’s see what they have to say about me. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper, changing his voice to mimic different characters each time he reads a tweet  _

**Richie**

Eddie Tozier, my husband in case you were wondering, says: “Richie is hot, yes, but in an ugly way.” I don’t know what that means so I am only going to acknowledge the first three words of the tweet. I am hot, thanks Eds. Does he actually think I’m ugly? If so, sucks for him because he’s stuck with me. Death do us part, bitch. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

Oh good,  _ sighs _ , Richie Tozier is Straight. I love this account. We fought just last night, follow me to see more of that; @RTozier. Okay, this tweet says: “Richie is cool and funny, it has been scientifically proven that gay people can not be funny.” First, please stop calling me straight it makes me nervous. Secondly; I would absolutely love to see that study. Third: that’s not even true. Gay people are funnier than others because we have trauma and shit. The moment Eds and I kissed I got funnier, that’s gay power, baby. Fourth, this is super homophobic or whatever. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

Up next we have Ashely Franks who says: “Richie Tozier is overrated, period -” It’s not a full stop, it says period. “-he just makes dumb jokes that twelve-year-old boys laugh at.” Ashely is just mad that her boyfriend liked my dumb jokes. She wishes that he was more classy. Sorry, Ashely, he likes dumb sex stories. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

“Richie Tozier is a huge dick but he has a small penis. Crazy how that works.” Go and talk to @ETozier, he might have something to say about that. Actually he would probably agree with you. Even though it’s not true. See, this is the problem with only sleeping with one person; he’s biased and there’s no one else to back me up. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

“Tozier likes to act all edgy and dirty but he goes home and drinks tea with his husband while they watch true crime reruns. He also never had sex with a girl.” Stan, my best friend, tweeted this one. I don’t have anything funny to say because it’s true. I do that, after this interview I’m going to pick up some Chinese food and we’re going to watch dateline. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

Who do we have here? “Richie isn’t funny and his impressions aren’t good.” That’s not very nice, nor is it funny. Please try harder next time. Also, I think this is a secret account for Spaghetti because this is what he says to me on the daily. Oh, sh*t! I wasn’t supposed to call him any nicknames. Whoops.

_ He shrugs. He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

“Richie Tozier, you ugly ass Oscar the Grouch looking bitch, shut the fu*k up.” Okay, that’s actually accurate. Thanks, uh, @sledge123. Nice name by the way.

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

“Fuck of Richie Tozier.” Okay.

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

Wait, this one is Eddie again. Awesome. “Richie is dumb, he’s the kind of guy who spends ten minutes trying to find his glasses when they’re on his head. But it is fun to steal them and watch him.” I married such a lovely man! I love him so much. This one is also true though and I am basically blind without my glasses so when he steals them it makes my life a lot harder but he’s been doing it for so long so I’m used to it. He’s too cute to be mad at. Love you, babe. 

_ He reaches into the bowl and pulls out a piece of paper _

**Richie**

Alright, last one: “Richie Tozier is famous for being annoying. What the fuck? He’s famous and rich and all he does it be stupid. I hate him so much like at least be funny if you’re going to be on my Netflix page.” Well, comedy is subjective and what one person finds stupid another may find hilarious. But I am amazing and hilarious so fu*k you. Love you all, even my haters! 

_ He stands, waving at the camera.  _

**Richie**

Off to get the same takeout order we’ve been getting since we were about twenty-two and be bland with my Spaghetti! 


	17. Chapter 2: The ‘Reddie? Couple goals? More likely than you think.' Part

**Stan U @stanlyuris**

@ETozier; does Richie have a small dick? I already know he is a large one. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

I’ve been banned from answering. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @ETozier_

What did he threaten? 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

Use of my frankly massive dick. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

Gross. Fuck you. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

He’s threatened to withhold that before. It never lasts. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @WilliamD_

That’s true. 

**Mike @MikeyH ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

Why’d you ask Stan? I don’t want to know and I know you don’t either. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @MikeyH_

Wanted to call Richie a dick on Twitter. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

You do that every day. You’ve never needed an occasion before. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

True. You’re a dick. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

And yet you cried out of sadness because I was officially taken, at my wedding 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

I was crying for Eddie. He’s legally tied to you and wouldn’t take my advice to run. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

A lie. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @WilliamD_

Shut up Bill

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

Stan loves the Losers. 

**Mike @MikeyH ** _ In reply to @WilliamD _

It’s true. And we love him!

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @WilliamD_

Maybe I love one (1) loser. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

Is it me? 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @RTozier_

Please leave me alone. I don’t know you. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

:////

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

He’s pouting. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @ETozier_

I know. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

Because we’re connected!!!!

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @ETozier_

Because you’re an idiot. And a dick. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

Yeah, yeah. Love you too. 

**Elisa @Elisa24 ** _ _

I am so excited to see R+E’s couple interview. Usually, the non-famous pair is boring lmao but Eddie is just as chaotic as his husband. Have you all seen the video from last year? Crazy. 

_ Transcript of:  _ **Buzzfeed Celeb: Richie and Eddie Tozier Playing ‘The Wed-Game’.**

_ Text on screen reads: “Before filming, we asked Richie and Eddie Tozier questions and they now have to guess what their counterpoint answered.” _

_ Next section of text read: “Course language and sexual content. Viewer discretion is advised.”  _

_ Richie and Eddie are sitting on a sofa, Richie’s arm is around the back of Eddie. They have white, A4 cards on their laps.  _

**Richie**

Hey, I’m Richie Tozier 

**Eddie**

And I’m Eddie Tozier. 

**Richie**

And we’re playing a game with Buzzfeed! I forgot what game it is. 

**Eddie**

The Wed-Game, dumbass. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Okay, Eddie, we asked Richie “who is more likely to get arrested out of the two of you” what do you think he wrote? 

**Eddie**

He wrote my name but he’s wrong. He’d totally get arrested before me. 

_ Richie holds up a card that says ‘Eddie (but maybe me)’ _

**Richie**

You know me so well, sweet cheeks. And to be honest, the only time we both nearly got arrested was when we were together.

**Eddie**

True.

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

You were nearly arrested? 

**Eddie**

Sort of. 

**Richie**

Nothing came of it. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Can we know what happened? 

**Richie**

Sure, I’m not going to get fired if my boss finds out. Eds might. 

**Eddie**

I wasn’t arrested. Besides, it was your fault. 

**Richie**

No, it wasn’t! You planned the date. 

**Eddie**

I didn’t plan that part.

**Richie**

You definitely planned for us to get naked. 

**Eddie**

Yeah but at our house! 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Did you nearly get arrested for public indecency? 

**Eddie**

No.

**Richie**

We just got yelled at by an old man and chased by his parrot for that.

**Eddie**

It was the bar fight that we got involved in. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Pardon? 

**Richie**

Yeah, it was before the whole naked swimming thing. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

You nearly got arrested after being in a bar fight and decided to go skinny dipping?

**Eddie**

That sounds bad. But yes. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Was this when you were in college or something? 

**Richie**

Like three years ago. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Oh. 

**Eddie**

It was fine. I patched Richie up, I’m a nurse. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

What was the fight about? 

**Richie**

No idea. 

**Eddie**

Something dumb, I’d guess. 

**Richie**

Definitely. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Alright, let’s move on then. Richie, we asked Eddie; “what is your favourite thing to do as a couple.”

**Richie**

Yoga.

_ Eddie holds up a card that says Yoga _

**Eddie**

It’s the pants. 

**Richie**

Even better when there are no pants involved. 

**Eddie**

Yoga in skirts? That’d be hard.

**Richie**

Not the only thing that’s hard. Ha! Babe, you set me up so well. 

**Eddie**

I know, darling. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

I think this is the strangest interview I’ve ever done. Eddie, we asked Richie; “what is your favourite part of your husband.”

**Eddie**

He wrote my dick. 

_ Richie holds up a card that says ‘His Dick’ _

**Richie**

You know me so well, honeybunch. 

**Eddie**

You already said that.

**Richie**

It’s true.

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Richie, we asked Eddie; “what was the most embarrassing moment of your life as a couple.”

**Richie**

There are so many to choose from. I’m going to go our final year of high school when I serenaded him in the cafeteria in front of everyone in our school. We weren’t even out I don’t think. I was just being annoying. 

_ Eddie holds up a card that says ‘The Caferita Incident.’ _

**Richie**

Eddie was not happy with that. 

**Eddie**

I was not. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

What song was sung? 

**Eddie**

Africa by TOTO. 

**Richie**

He didn’t speak to me for a week and a half. I honestly thought I was dying. 

**Eddie**

You’re so dramatic. 

**Richie**

I was traumatised. No se-

**Eddie**

Beep beep you idiot. This is a family-friendly interview. 

**Richie**

Spaghetti, you said dick like a minute ago. 

**Eddie**

Shut up, next? 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Eddie, we asked Richie; “what was the best moment of your life as a couple.”

**Eddie**

I would love it if it was something romantic like the first time we kissed or when he proposed but I know it’s the first time I let him go down on me. 

_ Richie holds up a card that says ‘when I gave him a blowjob for the first time’ _

**Richie**

It was awesome. 

**Eddie**

I hate you. Your mother is going to watch this. 

**Richie**

She gets to know what we were doing in my room, she was always asking! 

**Eddie**

Richie! 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Okay! Richie, we asked Eddie; “what was the best moment of your life as a couple.” It’s the same question. 

**Richie**

He said that he wanted it to be romantic but I know for a fact his favourite moment was when he moved into my house. 

_ Eddie holds up a card that says ‘When I moved into the Tozier household.’ _

**Eddie**

That was romantic, jackass. Just because you were always so horny. I was in love. 

**Richie**

I was in love as well, and I was also very happy that you were in my bed every night. 

**Eddie**

Yeah, because you never snuck into my house before I moved. 

**Richie**

I climbed your wall, Eddie’s bedroom was upstairs so we’re all clear, every night. It was a lot easier when your room was next door to me. 

**Eddie**

I was just happy to be out of my house. I would have been just as happy at Bill’s. 

**Richie**

Lie. 

**Eddie**

As if. You’re a mess. 

**Richie**

I think you almost cried when you showered in my shower that first time. 

**Eddie**

That was before I moved in. 

**Richie**

Still funny. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

Last one, Eddie, we asked Richie “what was the defining moment of your relationship”

_ Eddie looks at Richie. For the first time, he looks confused _

**Eddie**

There are two options that I can’t decide between. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

No clues, Richie. 

**Richie**

I’m not going to help him.

**Eddie**

When we meet, the first day of first grade. 

_ Richie holds up a card that says ‘the first time we meet; in first grade’ _

**Richie**

You know it babycakes. 

**Eddie**

That was the worst nickname. 

**Richie**

Noted. 

**Narrator (Offscreen)**

What was the other option? 

**Eddie**

First time we had sex. I had to decide if he was going to be sweet or crass. 

**Richie**

Those were the two I had to decide between as well. To be honest I should have gone with the other one! 

**Eddie**

Oh, shut up! 

**Richie**

Make me, angel dust!

**Eddie**

That’s a drug. 

**Richie**

Butterball. 

**Eddie**

I hate you. 

**Richie**

Oh, come on Spaghetti! You love me. 

**Eddie**

Maybe. 

**Richie**

I’ll take it! 

_ Richie pulls Eddie in for a kiss and the video ends on that frame.  _

**L stands for Loser**

_ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier  _ \- we truly are those bitches 

_ Stan _ \- the videos were funny. I am glad that my tweet was on it. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- I knew you’d have one 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- “Please stop calling me straight it makes me nervous.”

_ R Tozier  _ \- It does! 

_ Best Guy  _ \- It was very funny.

_ R Tozier  _ \- benny have I told I love you today? 

_ Best Guy  _ \- twice

_ R Tozier  _ \- good

_ Stan _ \- It wasn’t surprising that you knew what the other was going to answer. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- ben and I got one wrong 

_ R Tozier  _ \- That’s because you don’t love each other 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- rude 

_ E Tozier  _ \- They said that we were the best out of everyone. No one had gotten as close as we did. 

_ Billiam _ \- You knew literally everything. You even knew the thought process behind it. 

_ Billiam _ \- and it’s impressive because you have had so many embarrassing moments. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- It was the worst one

_ Mike  _ \- I would have gone for the time Richie pretended to dump you in New York

_ E Tozier  _ \- that wasn’t embarrassing it was just annoying. 

_ Mike  _ \- You’re weird

_ Billiam _ \- it’s because everything richie does is embarrassing 

_ R Tozier  _ \- hey! 

_ R Tozier  _ \- True

_ R Tozier  _ \- but don’t be mean bill

_ Stan _ \- what was with the nicknames? They were even more stupid than normal. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- its because he hates me

_ R Tozier  _ \- he told me not to call him any dumb nicknames. 

_ Billiam _ \- so you went the opposite way 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- are we surprised? 

_ Best Guy  _ \- no. 

_ Mike  _ \- very richie 

_ Stan _ \- that’s what I guessed was happening 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- do you guys actually do yoga?

_ R Tozier  _ \- yes

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- nude?

_ R Tozier  _ \- only way to do it. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- don’t be dumb. It’s not the only way.

_ E Tozier  _ \- It’s just the best way. 


	18. Chapter 2: The ‘Richie is very strange but we know that already' Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: They talk about drugs in the final section.

**Bumble Bee @beatrze ** _ _

Hey @RTozier what is the worst thing about marrying Eddie

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @beatrze _

I can’t call him Special K anymore. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier _

Oh no.

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier**

It’s gotten to the point that if Richie shouts some random word I turn around. Every word could be a name for me now. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

If I hear ‘Pasta’ my response is generally ‘yeah?’ Do you know how weird that is? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

Why does Richie call me pasta? How does that relate to Edward? Some guessed my last name might be the clue. My last name was Kaspbrak. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

No, here’s how it goes. Edward -> Eddie -> Eddie Spaghetti -> Spaghetti -> Pasta. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

So I know respond to Pasta on instinct. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

Someone ordered pasta in a restaurant once and I turned around because I thought they were calling for me. Richie thought it was hilarious. I did not. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

He also calls me every pet name under the sun and has occasionally been known to call me deserts/candies. I don’t think he’s called me ‘Eddie’ since one fight we had about six years ago.

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @ETozier_

Do you know how weird it is for your husband to call you fucking ‘spaghetti’ in the middle of sex? I do.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I like nicknames. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

A bit too much.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

No such thing and all my nicknames are awesome so...

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

You constantly call me Beverly-Boo. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Stan the Man isn’t a good nickname. Neither is Stanley the Manley. Or Stanuel. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @RTozier_

Big Bill just sounds weird. So does Billiam. 

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Benji, Benny, Benzo, Benjamin. 

**Mike @MikeyH ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Mikey, Mikey-Moo. Mikey-pie. Mikeso. Major Mike. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Eds, Eddie my Love, My Eds, Meds (my eds but shortened and a jab), Eddie Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Pasta, so many others I can’t even list. Eddie. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

All of these are amazing nicknames! 

**Stan U @stanlyuris ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Something is wrong with your husband. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris  _

Yeah, but he knew that when he married me. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

That’s true. 

**Bex Loves Richie @happyb**

@RTozier pls give me some relationship advice. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @happyb _

Fall in love at 11 and then marry him at twenty. It’s the only way. 

**Bex Loves Richie @happyb ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I’m already twenty tho 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @happyb _

Then i have no idea. Godspeed. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier**

I finally, after a long time, got @RTozier to sweep the floors and within ten minutes he broke my broom. How do you break a broom sweeping?

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier  _ \- shut up the fuck eddie 

_ E Tozier  _ \- fuck you

_ R Tozier  _ \- fuck you!

_ E Tozier  _ \- fuck you

_ Stan _ \- both of you can shut up

_ R Tozier  _ \- :/

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I’m with Stan. 

_ Stan _ \- Thank you. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- Love you Stan

_ Stan _ \- Sorry. I am a married man. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Eddddddie Stan is being funny again

_ E Tozier  _ \- Stan’s always funny. you’re an idiot 

_ Stan _ \- Thank you. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- he’s being sarcastic 

_ E Tozier  _ \- am i

_ R Tozier  _ \- eds im about to start crying

_ E Tozier  _ \- send a photo so I can make fun of you on twitter 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- lmao mood 

_ R Tozier  _ \- whatever 

_ R Tozier  _ \- im not upset because of this or anything 

**Private Message Between Eds and Richie**

_ Richie _ \- eddie do you love me

_ Eds _ \- I married you

_ Richie _ \- but like do you love me

_ Eds _ \- ????

_ Richie _ \- some gay guys marry women so that they can pretend to be straight. 

_ Eds _ \- so you’re worried I married you to repress the fact that i'm straight?

_ Richie _ \- yeah

_ Eds _ \- Richie according to twitter that’s what you’re doing 

_ Richie _ \- but I know that I’m not

_ Eds _ \- I love you so much

_ Richie _ \- in the gay way? 

_ Eds _ \- in the gay way.

_ Eds _ \- does that make you happy?

_ Richie _ \- yeah

_ Richie _ \- dude you’re gay

_ Eds _ \- i am aware

_ Richie _ \- i figured it out before you as well

_ Eds _ \- i think we both figured it out when we kissed

_ Richie _ \- true 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier**

Richie isn’t even LA and yet I am doing his laundry. How does this man, who wears the same three articles of clothing, produce so much fucking washing? 

**Private Message Between Eds and Richie**

_ Richie _ \- “I love you Richie” he says before blasting me on social media. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

;/

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

What the hell is that face

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I’m upset but I’m still ready for sex. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

We’re not in the same state? What the hell is wrong with you 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I’m not gonna cheat on you, promise. Nothing is wrong me. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I am not so sure

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Yeah but you looooooooove 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

That I do 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I dare you to say it

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I love you, Richie Tozier. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

It’s on the internet, it’s out there forever now. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Yeah, I know how Twitter works. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

So you admit that you love me

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

No. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

They send each other ‘i love you, you dick’ messages every night. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

Shut up bev we have a brand 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I don’t have a brand. I am a nurse. 

**Lucky Lucy @lucylo123 ** _ _

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen Eddie say he actually loves Richie

**Lucky Lucy @lucylo123 ** _ In reply to @lucylo123 _

And honestly? They’re still couple goals. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Billiam  _ \- I am stuck 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Where

_ Billiam  _ \- on what to write next. 

_ Stan  _ \- where?

_ Stan  _ \- What did you think he was going to say?

_ R Tozier  _ \- I was hoping it would be a well. 

_ Billiam  _ \- sorry, no.

_ Billiam  _ \- I don’t know how to take this stupid plot. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- take some crack and then try to write. 

_ Billiam  _ \- no. 

_ Mike  _ \- take a break, see if anything comes to you then. 

_ Billiam  _ \- I’m going to have to. 

_ Stan  _ \- what are stuck on? 

_ Billiam  _ \- should I kill one of the characters? I feel like it’s a cop-out if I don’t but none of them finished their arcs so I don’t know what to do 

_ E Tozier  _ \- this is the horror about the hotel, right? 

_ Billiam  _ \- yeah.

_ E Tozier  _ \- which one would you want to kill? 

_ Billiam  _ \- Jordan. 

_ Stan  _ \- sounds like you know

_ Billiam  _ \- I guess but she needs some more development. 

_ Mike  _ \- take a break. 

_ Billiam  _ \- okay. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- It’s not a cop-out. People survive stuff all the time, we’re all alive. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- Thought we said we wouldn’t talk about that anymore

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- A) you talk about it all the fucking time, you’re naming your next show ‘clowning around’ and B) I meant being friends with you. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- :(

_ Billiam  _ \- anyway 

_ Billiam  _ \- okay im gonna stop for a few days and see what happens

_ Billiam  _ \- hopefully i have a dream where I get told what to write or something 

_ Stan  _ \- that doesn’t sound likely but we can hope. 

_ Billiam  _ \- yeah. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- still think heavy-duty drugs are the way to go 

_ Billiam  _ \- thanks richie but I don’t even know if i can buy them

_ E Tozier  _ \- richie and i get offered coke any time we go out

_ Stan  _ \- what the fuck

_ Billiam  _ \- really?

_ Mike  _ \- you say no, right??

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- lmao why

_ R Tozier  _ \- comedians are alway high idk 

_ Stan  _ \- all comedians?

_ Mike  _ \- please don’t do drugs

_ R Tozier  _ \- not all of them. Most of them. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- people in the fashion industry are the same tbh

_ Best Guy  _ \- people in the building industry are not. From what I know at least. 

_ Mike  _ \- yeah, I can’t imagine many librarians running around on coke. 

_ Mike  _ \- don’t do drugs. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- we say no 

_ E Tozier  _ \- and richie better say no when he’s alone, like he is right now 

_ R Tozier  _ \- i have not been offered any drugs this trip 

_ R Tozier  _ \- but yes, I say no.

_ R Tozier  _ \- unless bill wants some 

_ Billiam  _ \- im okay. Thanks tho. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- and mike, I can completely imagine librarians high on coke.

_ Mike  _ \- why? 

_ R Tozier  _ \- just can.

_ R Tozier  _ \- can’t imagine accountants tho stan 

_ Stan  _ \- I don’t know any

_ R Tozier  _ \- accountants or accountants addicted to crack? 

_ Stan  _ \- the latter. 

_ Mike  _ \- there’s a poster in the library that says ‘hugs not drugs’ so im gonna say it to you guys now

_ Mike  _ \- hugs not drugs. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- Mike, you’re amazing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the love guys! I got a few nasty messages that messed with my confidence a tiny bit but the comments on the last chapter were so nice :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Lulu @alision234 ** _ _

I’m at the hospital where @ETozier works because my brother is sick and @RTozier is here. I asked for a picture because he’s funny and he’s like ‘of course’. He then he asks if I can have candy and when I say yes he pulls out a bag of skittles and offers me some. 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @alision234 _

What was he doing in the hospital? 

**Lulu @alision234 ** _ In reply to @RtEtfan _

He was in the hallway, getting a cup of water and was on his phone. 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @alision234 _

Was he waiting for Eddie? 

**Lulu @alision234 ** _ In reply to @RtEtfan _

I don’t know. I guess. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @alision234_

He was. Richie doesn’t understand that not everyone can work from home whenever they want. 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Does he wait for you often? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtRtfan_

He’s there so often people think he’s a doctor sometimes.

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That's so cute 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RtRtfan_

Yeah, until he’s too awkward to say that he isn’t and suddenly I’m getting paged because my husband is giving a check-up to someone. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That happened once. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier**

I don’t think Richie knows how to make a bed. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

I do know how to make a bed you’re just insane and think that I can’t.

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Stan _ \- I am tired. 

_ Mike  _ \- take a nap!

_ Billiam  _ \- a good nap always makes the whole day better. 

_ Mike  _ \- that’s true! 

_ Stan _ \- Usually I don’t take naps but I am close. 

_ Stan _ \- I am so tired it’s bad. 

_ Billiam  _ \- Have you been sleeping? 

_ Stan _ \- No. Not really. 

_ Mike  _ \- why not? 

_ Stan _ \- work is just crazy and I’m struggling to keep up. 

_ Billiam  _ \- Stan, that sucks. I’m sorry. 

_ Mike  _ \- Is there anything we can do? 

_ Stan _ \- No. I just have to get over this and then I’ll be okay. 

_ Mike  _ \- but first nap. 

_ Billiam  _ \- yes, nap first. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- you guys are so dull. What are we? 70? ((((((((((for Stan only::::: im sorry stanny and i hope you take a nap)))))))). 

_ Billiam  _ \- we can see that 

_ Mike  _ \- you’re so weird. 

_ Stan _ \- Thank you guys. Even richie 

_ R Tozier  _ \- <3333333

_ R Tozier  _ \- that’s a large heart for you stanuel. 

_ Mike  _ \- I think you’re being nice but it’s so hard to know with you 

_ E Tozier  _ \- he’s being nice. He’s just not very good at it. 

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome**

I never know if Richie is being serious or not. He just told me that he and Eddie were getting divorced (not true) but he looked serious when he said they were getting married again. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

He told me that they were running away to get married. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

Told me that they were getting divorced so Richie could marry Patty. Patty seemed okay with it as well? 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @Benhansome_

I got told that they were getting divorced. Nothing more. 

**Mike @MikeyH ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

They told me that I was going to be a flower girl at their wedding and when I asked what wedding they were talking about they got very confused. 

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome ** _ In reply to @MikeyH _

See? I am even more confused now. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @Benhansome_

I think we just have to ignore them. 

**Stan U @stanlyuris ** _ In reply to @WilliamD _

It worked through high school. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @MikeyH _

Wait I want to be the flower girl. I'm gonna throw full bouquets as I go down the aisle 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

BITHCH THAT IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Bithch 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Leave me alone, I’m having a moment. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Ben can be the ring bearer. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

BEVVVV we should get married instead because you’re so smart

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I know

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

Each bouquet you throw is gonna be a different type of flower. Bonus points if you hit people. 

**Beverly Marsh ✔️ @MarshBev ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

I wanna hit John Mauleny with a bouquet of roses. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @MarshBev _

perfect. 

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Now I’m just more confused. Care to elaborate? 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

No. 

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

Why not?

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

Change your name, legally, to Ben Handsome and then I will

**Ben Hanscome ✔️ @Benhanscome ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

No. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @Benhansome _

Then stay in the dark. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier _ \- Is Stan alive? He hasn’t complained about me in a while

_ Stan _ \- I was pretending that you weren't my friend 

_ R Tozier _ \- well damn. Okay. 

_ Stan _ \- I was bird watching, I told you that I was going. 

_ E Tozier _ \- Richie has no concept of time 

_ R Tozier _ \- whatever

_ R Tozier _ \- how was birdwatching? 

_ Mike _ \- it was good

_ Stan _ \- got some good photos 

_ R Tozier _ \- You told me that you didn’t bring friends with you! 

_ Stan _ \- No, I said I wouldn’t bring you because you scare away the birds. 

_ Mike _ \- I don’t? 

_ Stan _ \- you attract them

_ R Tozier _ \- it’s because he’s attractive. Anyway, why can’t i go birdwatching?

_ Stan _ \- because you’re a ball of hyper-energy and it freaks the birds out. 

_ R Tozier _ \- eds and I are going to go birdwatching and you’ll see

_ E Tozier _ \- we are? 

_ Stan _ \- good luck. 

**The Less Chaotic Group Chat  
** _ Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Bill _ \- Are they actually going? 

_ Bev _ \- Yeah, Eddie just text me

_ Bill _ \- it’s gonna be a disaster

_ Ben _ \- it is

_ Mike _ \- how many laws can you break birdwatching? 

_ Ben _ \- they’ll find a way to break all of them

_ Bev _ \- oh no

_ Stan _ \- it’s going to be funny to watch

_ Stan _ \- but I am not going to go bail them out. 

_ Bev _ \- neither

_ Mike _ \- nope

_ Ben _ \- nah. That leaves you bill 

_ Bill _ \- screw all of you. 

_ Bill _ \- whatever 

_ Mike _ \- what do you think gonna happen?

_ Bev _ \- one of them will get wet

_ Bev _ \- and not in the fun way. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier _ \- I hate to admit it but holy shit stan was right 

_ E Tozier _ \- fuck you richie i hate you 

_ Stan _ \- what happened?

_ R Tozier _ \- first off: there were no fucking birds anywhere so that sucked

_ R Tozier _ \- secondly: my shoe broke like ten minutes into it. 

_ E Tozier _ \- he pushed me into a puddle. 

_ Best Guy  _ \- did you get wet?

_ E Tozier _ \- yeah. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- FUCKING KNEW IT BITCH 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier**

Richie has never had a job in his life. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Keeping you alive in derry was a full time job 

**I love Eddie (and Richie) Tozier @RtEtfan ** _ In reply to @RTozier _

?? Why?

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @RtEtfan _

Bullies would come up to us and Eddie would insult them. He nearly got stabbed once. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Oh well. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That’s not oh well! 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I didn’t get stabbed

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Because i pulled you away and we ran to your house 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

And then my mother almost stabbed you so we both almost got stabbed

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Your mother loved me and would never stab me. Bowers was mental and would stab you. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

My mother hates you

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Nuh uh, I see her every time I’m in NY. We are in love. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

This is why she hates you. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That’s actually fair enough. She does hate me, threatened to throw me out of a window at least once! 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

She was seriously pissed when you broke the locks on the window. I told her it must have been a racoon. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That’s the worst lie ever

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I panicked. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Is she gonna see this? She contacts you for the first time in twenty odd years to complain about a window that I broke when we were like 14? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

That sounds like something she’d do. Idk if she’ll see these, I don’t think she’s on twitter and everyone in Derry hates us so 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

My parents like us

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Aside from them, yeah. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Wonder why they hate us. Could it be the homophobia? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

You drew a large dick on the main road in chalk at least twice a year. I think that’s why.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

They couldn’t know that was me!

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

You signed your name dipshit. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

That i did. Maybe it’s because we were little shits. You almost burnt down the chemist that one time. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

That was an accident 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

So were the dicks. 

**Red Pencil @starcross** _ _

Hey @WilliamD did Richie actually draw dicks on the main road of Derry? 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @starcross _

Sadly, yes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter to go :(((


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: They talk about drugs again!

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier _ \- ‘sup fuckers? 

_ Stan _ \- Richie it’s four am please leave us alone

_ R Tozier _ \- im on tour so time is meaningless 

_ Stan _ \- well some of us have work so please I can’t deal with this. 

_ R Tozier _ \- are you still stressed at work? 

_ Stan _ \- yes. My boss is such a dick shit. I hate him. 

_ R Tozier _ \- dick shit. 

_ Stan _ \- yea

_ R Tozier _ \- shit on his dick

_ R Tozier _ \- no don’t do that

_ Stan _ \- I wasn't going to do that because I’m not a) an idiot b) twelve. 

_ R Tozier _ \- what were you doing at 12?

_ Stan _ \- you suck 

_ R Tozier _ \- very well @eds. But that’s not important right now. 

_ Stan _ \- what is then?

_ R Tozier _ \- the fact that I made you laugh 

_ Stan _ \- no you didn’t

_ R Tozier _ \- yes i did. 

_ Stan _ \- how would you know? 

_ R Tozier _ \- ;)

_ Stan _ \- the fuck does that mean? 

_ R Tozier _ \- i am in your closet rn 

_ Stan _ \- what are you on about 

_ R Tozier _ \- ‘m in your house 

_ Stan _ \- no you’re not.

_ R Tozier _ \- no im not Im in Chicago

_ R Tozier _ \- but we are connected so I am aware that you laughed 

_ Stan _ \- I did. 

_ R Tozier _ \- C O N N E C T E D 

_ Stan _ \- not anymore :/

_ R Tozier _ \- Stan I can’t concentrate when you’re being funny 

_ R Tozier _ \- it makes me uncomfortable. 

_ Stan _ \- i'm always funny 

_ R Tozier _ \- no ur not

_ Stan _ \- You just don’t get my jokes. You have to have a high IQ level to appreciate the art that is my comedy. 

_ R Tozier _ \- I’m scared. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- sorry about your shit dick boss but why are you two up?

_ Stan _ \- shit boss and stress 

_ R Tozier _ \- I have an interview in like a minute. I’m at some radio station

_ R Tozier _ \- why are you up? 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- ben and I went out. Clubs close at four, half an hour to our house. 

_ Stan _ \- you haven’t slept at all?

_ R Tozier _ \- benny boy went clubbing till 4?

_ Best Guy  _ \- against my will and never again 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- it was really good

_ Best Guy  _ \- I think I am about to die. 

_ Stan _ \- Staying out till ten is too much for me now. I’m old. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- A good night starts at 10. 

_ Stan _ \- what drugs do you take to be able to do that

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- no drugs, just life.

_ R Tozier _ \- lame

_ R Tozier _ \- do meth 

**Stan U @stanlyuris**

“Lame. Do Meth” - Richie Tozier, today at 4:46 am.

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @stanlyuris _

This is not true. I didn’t use any punctuation. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ E Tozier _ \- why the fuck is #CancelTrashmouth trending again? I swear to god I will murder you.

_ R Tozier _ \- no big deal but it was stans fault. 

_ Mike _ \- You told children to do meth? 

_ E Tozier _ \- what the fuck Richie???!??!!

_ R Tozier _ \- I DID NOT

_ R Tozier _ \- Stan fucking tweeted

_ Stan _ \- that is true

_ R Tozier _ \- This is just like that time people were angry because I made a gay joke but like I am gay so that blew over and this will blow over and we will all be happy and you will get your new fucking spa.

_ E Tozier _ \- That better happen. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- are you upset that your husband is being cancelled because you want a new spa? 

_ E Tozier _ \- yeah 

_ R Tozier _ \- that’s true love right there. 

_ Mike _ \- I thought we said no to drugs Richie. 

_ R Tozier _ \- haha 

_ Mike _ \- what are you gonna do? 

_ R Tozier _ \- idk 

_ Stan _ \- i got it

**Stan U @stanlyuris**

Richie has never done meth, it was a joke because our friend said she was high on life, also as a joke. None of the Losers do drugs nor are we supportive of them. I didn’t realize that this would blow up and Richie is very upset that this has happened. #CancelTrashmouth

**Stan U @stanlyuris** _In reply to @stanlyuris_

Also, so we’re clear, Richie is too much of a loser to do drugs. Again, this is a man who has ordered the same dinner since he was twenty one and an exciting night for him is watching reruns of crime shows with his husbands. #CancelTrashmouth

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier _ \- it was so nice and then it wasn’t 

_ Stan _ \- did I say anything that wasn’t true? 

_ R Tozier _ \- no. 

_ R Tozier _ \- but it’s the principle of it all or whatever

_ Stan _ \- are you still cancelled? 

_ Mike _ \- I think he’s back

_ Mike _ \- #weloverichie is trending so 

_ E Tozier _ \- gross i hate it 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- oh thank god you’re my best customer 

_ R Tozier _ \- yeah, it's not like it’s my career on the line or anything. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- you get it 

_ Best Guy  _ \- sometimes I am scared of my wife. 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- lol

**Private Message Between ** ** _Ben and Bev_ **

_ Bev  _ \- you’re not actually scared of me, right? 

_ Ben _ \- no, baby, I’m not. I love you so much

_ Bev  _ \- good 

_ Ben _ \- <3 

_ Bev _ \- don’t let the others know ;)

_ Ben _ \- never. 

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ R Tozier _ \- okay, crisis averted so I will still be rich 

_ E Tozier _ \- good. 

_ Stan _ \- you’re welcome 

_ R Tozier _ \- you also started the crisis so it’s like 

_ Stan _ \- accident 

_ R Tozier _ \- okay sure but you did start it. 

_ Stan _ \- I didn’t mean to. It was a joke. I thought the comedian would have fans who liked comedy. 

_ R Tozier _ \- the people cancelling me aren’t my fans

_ Best Guy  _ \- you’re both right 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- you’re both pretty.

_ R Tozier _ \- thanks. I know I am. And my ass is really nice

_ E Tozier _ \- yeah 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier **

Eddie just complimented me for the first time in ages. He said my ass looks nice. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

That’s not what I said, I agreed when you said you had a nice ass. Also, I compliment you all the time. And this was what you wanted your first tweet to be after you were almost cancelled? 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Look, you agree that my ass is nice and that’s all that matters. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Someone egged our house because of the whole meth thing

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Lmaooo really? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Richie I text you when I got home. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Oh yeah 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Sometimes 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

You worry about me? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Well, I worry about you all the time but I worry that Maggie dropped you a few too many times as well. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Rude 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

She said that she probably did. Have I ever said that I love your mom? 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Did you text my mother and ask her that? Also, yes more than you say that you love me tbh

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

:(

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

;/

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

FUCK OFF WITH THAT STUPID FACE

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

;/

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

How are you horny? I am yelling at you. 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Don’t kink shame me eds 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

I want a divorce 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

No. 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

Oh well. I tried. 

**Bill Denbrough ✔️ @WilliamD** _In reply to @ETozier_

No, you didn’t? 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @WilliamD_

Shut up Bill

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

Yeah shut up bill 

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

thanks, babe 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

#husbandssticktogether4eva

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

It was sweet until the 4eva 

**Richie Trashmouth Tozier ✔️ @RTozier ** _ In reply to @ETozier _

#husbandssticktogether

**Eddie Tozier ✔️ @ETozier** _In reply to @RTozier_

#husbandssticktogether

**L stands for Loser  
** _ Richie, Eddie, Beverly, Stan, Mike, Bill, Ben _

_ Billiam _ \- in the span of 20 hours Richie has gotten three #s to trend

_ R Tozier _ \- The talent i have 

_ Billiam _ \- eddie come and get your husband i don’t want him

_ E Tozier _ \- gross i don’t want it

_ R Tozier _ \- It? I’m not even ‘he’ to you? 

_ E Tozier _ \- I said what I said. 

_ R Tozier _ \- can you imagine being so unloved? 

_ Billiam _ \- no

_ Stan _ \- nope

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- nah

_ Best Guy  _ \- no

_ Mike _ \- not really

_ E Tozier _ \- I can not <3

_ R Tozier  _ \- I’ll go fuck myself then

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- thought that was Eddie’s job

_ E Tozier  _ \- no

_ R Tozier  _ \- he’s too much of a brat

_ E Tozier  _ \- no sex life talk if they’re not paying. 

_ Billiam _ \- no sex life talk at all

_ Stan _ \- ever

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- that’s the dream

_ R Tozier  _ \- well that’s not happening

_ Best Guy  _ \- we can hope

_ Mike _ \- even when it’s basically impossible

_ Billiam _ \- Richie not being immature? Never

_ R Tozier  _ \- you all love it

_ Best Guy  _ \- we do?

_ R Tozier  _ \- ben you’re supposed to be the kind one so please stop being mean that’s eds and stans job

_ Best Guy  _ \- :( 

_ Best Guy  _ \- I’m too traumatised by you. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- what have I done? 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- nice going, you made my husband cynical

_ R Tozier  _ \- having a cynical husband can be nice. Everything is either correct or better than expected. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- rude 

_ Mike _ \- how do you make ben cynical? 

_ Billiam _ \- says Mike 

_ Stan _ \- says Mike

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- says mike 

_ Billiam _ \- jinx 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- jinx

_ Billiam _ \- Stan 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- Stan

_ Stan _ \- jinx. 

_ Billiam _ \- :)

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- :)

_ Best Guy  _ \- I love you bev

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- I love you too baby! 

_ R Tozier  _ \- gross 

_ Billiam _ \- oh and i loveeee you stan

_ Stan _ \- well i love mike

_ Mike _ \- and i love Bill

_ R Tozier  _ \- i sense a threesome 

_ Billiam _ \- ;)

_ Mike _ \- mmmm k

_ Stan _ \- I have to ask my wife

_ Stan _ \- she said no. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- no i can’t do this stan pls stop being funny

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- i love all of you guys 

_ Wonderful Fashion Designer  _ \- even if you’re idiots 

_ E Tozier  _ \- :)

_ Billiam _ \- :)

_ Best Guy  _ \- <3

_ Stan _ \- :)

_ Mike _ \- :)

_ R Tozier  _ \- disgusting. All of this love. 

_ R Tozier  _ \- but my Eddie Spaghetti I would literally die for you and would do anything to keep you happy. You’re my soulmate and was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

_ E Tozier  _ \- I love you too, baby. So much. 

_R Tozier has changed:_ **L stands for Loser** _to_ **L stands for Lover**

_ R Tozier _ \- nah, fuck that amiright? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's all folks!! Clocking in at 110 pages this was so fun to write! Thank you so much to everyone who read, commented and kudosed this fic! It was a blast to write this :) I love you all!!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Come and say hi on my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/edtozier89)


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